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In the painting-the-Forth-Bridge enterprise that is midlife grooming, there is one area we skin-, slap-, hair- and nails-obsessed Brits often forget about: our teeth.
And yet, the truth is, you can polish about the periphery but if your mouth is full of ancient tombstones, then ancient you will seem.
Aggressive brushing had left me with retracted gums (where the phrase ‘long in the tooth’, meaning ‘old’, derives from). It also meant my teeth were neurotically sensitive. A boisterous childhood created chips, while lashings of tea and red wine rendered my fangs daffodil yellow.
Eventually, I actually took my battered gnashers to dental genius, the late Dr Uchenna Okoye of London Smiling. I had just turned 40 and pleaded with Uchenna to put an age on my teeth. She took my hand: ‘OK, 65. But, that’s completely normal for British 40-year-olds. And I’m going to fix this.’
First, she applied composite bonding – a form of filling in which enamel-coloured resin is coated over tooth surfaces, which lasts years (£495 per tooth, londonsmiling.com). Only then did she lighten. The result: my grin looked good in a ‘You look well’ way, rather than, ‘You look like an American game-show host.’
Sadly, Uchenna died suddenly in 2023. Her successor is the similarly award-winning Dr Joe Bansal (from £150 per consultation). A vast number of fiftysomethings come to see Joe in the 18 months or so before being mother-of-the-bride, in order to get a smile makeover of aligners, bonding, and/or whitening.
Today, he rates my 54-year-old mouth a ‘strong 3/5’. He adds: ‘Every dentist’s goal should be stabilisation (so let’s get your gums super healthy and teeth decay-free); then, appearance (for you, redoing your bonding and some gentle whitening); then maintenance.’ Translation: ‘Let’s give Betts a kick up the backside.’
It’s not enough to think about your teeth 24 hours before every hygienist visit. You’ve got to do the work.
First, my brush. ‘I know any electric is better than manual, but the basic ones are just as good as the fancy, right?’ I asked. ‘No,’ said Joe. ‘invest.’ I’d been using the cheapest oscillating and rotating sort – the Oral-B Vitality Pro Electric Toothbrush (£21.99, amazon.co.uk). Instead, he directed me towards the deeper-cleaning Oral-B Pro 3 (£70, amazon.co.uk), which I picked up for a song on Black Friday.
And the good news. It gave me cleaner, brighter and whiter teeth. He may yet persuade me to acquire an Oral-B iO5 (now £89.99, amazon.co.uk), with its micro-vibrations and frictionless magnetic drive, for the full state-of-the-art approach.
I love Oral-B Satin Tape (£2.40, boots.com), which glides between teeth rather than slicing into gums. Joe favours gum-preserving Kin B5 Mouthwash (£12.99, amazon.com) used before brushing to dislodge plaque to create a cleaner surface to clean. Then, he recommends super-chic Marvis toothpaste (£9, boots.com), or Colgate Total (£2.50, boots.com) if less flush – spat out rather than rinsed so that it forms a protective shield.
Grinding (bruxism) is a huge issue. I recommend Botox to weaken the overactive masseter jaw muscles. When it wears off, I feel the familiar sandy crunch in my mouth on waking.
Colour-wise, the official industry measure, the VITA teeth shade categorisation, is ridiculously confusing. It organises colours into four hue groups (A, B, C, D), then numbers them from lightest (1) to darkest (4) within each. The A group is reddish-brown, B is reddish-yellow, C is greyish, and D is reddish-grey. Anything brighter needs to be measured on another scale that we could characterise as ‘day-glo Turkey teeth’.
I am currently at A2, a sort of darkish light ivory that looks youthfully gleaming on many people. However, because I have vampire-white skin, Joe recommends I lighten to an A1 or B1 (the latter, the brightest natural-looking shade).
He takes a digital scan of my teeth to make me custom whitening trays and I begin lining them with tiny amounts of first 10 per cent, then 16 per cent Boutique Whitening peroxide, wearing them painlessly overnight (from £563).
For an instant hit, you can try the late Dr Uchenna’s excellent Teeth Whitening Pen (£23.99, druchennasmysmile.com). Its enhancer gel both instantly brightens and whitens over time. Try it and by Halloween you’ll be grinning. Just like me.
New Autumn cleansers
A melting autumnal balm-to-oil-to-milk packed with plant-powered biotech.
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A silky, skin-barrier-supporting cream cleanse perfect for drier complexions.
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Dissolves long-wear make-up and dirt from even the most oily and/or sensitive skin.
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For those who prefer a fresh gel, this is packed with hydrating hyaluronic acid.
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This light oil gives you a clean rinse at a terrific price in packaging fans adore.
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Cosmetic craving
I wrote about this at the end of the summer after my textured hair tester went wild about Amika’s heat-activated, anti-frizz range of shampoo, conditioner and leave-in conditioner.
Well, the panthenol and glycol-rich leave-in spray, Amika’s Frizz-me-not Hydrating Anti-frizz Treatment (from £10, sephora.co.uk), is back because I, too, gave it a whirl, and, wow.
This instant conditioning spritz is doing such amazing work on my fine, wimpy, non-blow-dried locks that I must give it a hearty thumbs up. I brush it through wet or dry hair and all my low-maintenance frizz sins vanish. Vital: a new classic. I’m buying up a batch of its 60ml sprays for every bag I possess.
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Race you to it
New e.l.f. Cosmetics Incredi-Curl Mascara (£9, superdrug.com) is a serious budget find. Think of it as the Goldilocks ‘just right’ mascara – granting a fat, volumised curl that lasts. My insider tip? Pitch Black may provide drama, but Soft Black – like Brown – is beautifully flattering on the midlife eye.
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