When you become a parent, you should always have your partner’s back. But dad privilege, aka daddy privilege, is very real, and it’s causing a lot of tension among couples. The issue is that many fathers have lots of freedom and flexibility even after becoming parents. They’re seen as helpers and often get praised as heroes for doing even basic things that any parent should do. Meanwhile, moms are seen as the primary caregivers whose massive daily efforts are all too often ignored.
In a brutally honest thread on the ‘Breaking Mom’ internet forum, moms vented about the biggest, most brazen examples of dad privilege that they thoroughly resent. Scroll down for an eye-opening peek into how unfairly caregiving and housework are split in some families.
#1
Getting to be sick when you’re sick. I always hated him for that when our son was small.
Certain_Ad6784:
They get to just be sick. Since I became a mom no matter what, I have to take care of everyone when they are sick. When I’m sick i’m still taking care of everyone. Like the load never really lightens.
Image source: anon, Getty Images/unsplash
#2
No matter what he does, he’s a great dad. I’m almost always “just” a mom or even a bad mom because I do the same things.
Image source: mommasaursrex, Toa Heftiba/unsplash
#3
Praised for being with their own kids alone in public. “Oh is dad babysitting today?!” “OH giving mommy a break with a day out with dad, huh?” NO HE’S THEIR PARENT.
Image source: educatedvegetable, Yunus Tuğ/unsplash
At its core, dad privilege is about fathers getting treated like ‘heroes’ for doing routine childcare things that mothers do all the time. The only difference is that, very often, these moms aren’t appreciated for their efforts. Meanwhile, these dads are disproportionately praised for really mundane things. All the while, these dads have much more freedom to rest, have a social life, pursue their goals and hobbies, and relax.
This isn’t to say that all dads do this (we personally know many fathers who embrace equity, fairness, and emotional intelligence); however, it’s a big enough issue that it creates stress and resentment in many relationships.
And it’s not difficult to see why. On the one hand, you have an individual who gets rewarded for doing very little. On the other hand, their partner gets barely rewarded for doing far more. While a perfect 50/50 split of childcare and housework is impractical in many families, what’s important is that both partners work toward a fairer system, instead of trying to dodge their responsibilities.
#4
The ability to not know every facet of the child’s existence. They don’t need to memorize medical history, upcoming holidays, school schedules, medical and family appointments, which drawers clothes go in, what kids need for snacks/clothes/school theme days, clothing sizes or shoe sizes.
They only get away with not knowing because the burden falls 100% to moms.
Image source: Msmomma27, Getty Images/unsplash
#5
He can schedule anything from dentist appointments, work meetings, to social events, irrespective of the time or day, without a second thought about childcare.
Meanwhile, now that school is out, I have to schedule my weekly PT appointments (much needed PT that I put off for years) when our daughter is at activities or when he’s available, since she isn’t allowed at the facility. And, I’m the first one that has to cancel my scheduled appointments or whatever if something changes, like if she gets sick.
Image source: RedRose_812, Getty Images/unsplash
#6
Lack of mental load. I honestly told my husband I needed him to take over 1 thing completely so I didn’t have to think about it, like literally anything! I didn’t care I just was overwhelmed with literally having to plan and keep track of EVERYTHING and his response?
“I’m just too burnt out by working and then helping with the baby when I come home”
Uuuummmm that’s literally 2 effing things!! Meanwhile I’ve been wfh while caring for the baby and literally doing and planning everything, the bills, the shopping, the meals, medical appointments, family get togethers, our pets, nights with the baby, early mornings with her and HE’S burnt out. Smh.
Image source: Famoslyamos, Getty Images/unsplash
During a previous interview, Bored Panda spoke with baker, business owner, and mom Chloe, from Memphis, Tennessee, who went massively viral on TikTok for calling out dad privilege in one of her videos.
“Daddy privilege really boils down to the acts as a parent the general public sees as ‘exemplary.’ I completely believe that fathers should be praised for being standard parents—I simply think that mothers should AS WELL! By no means take away praise from the father carrying his weight. Just pay close attention to the women who take their place 9 out of 10 times,” Chloe explained to us earlier.
According to her, dad privilege means that fathers get praised simply for showing up as parents. Meanwhile, every parent deserves to know that they are both seen and appreciated.
#7
Never having to do any research on child development because the woman just naturally knows about stuff like wake windows, nap schedules, swaddling, introducing solid food, car seat rules, developmental milestones, potty training, getting kids to bed, age appropriate activities, and how to teach kids to handle big emotions simply because they are maternal. We have to do [loads] of research to “know” these things, usually while utterly exhausted.
Image source: gandyu, Getty Images/unsplash
#8
I saw this titok from this mom influencer who I actually like (most of them annoy me, but I find this one more real), and she hit the nail on the head.
She said that a mom works all day, but still has nothing to show for it at the end of the day. Most of it is invisible work. She cleaned the house 4 times, but now it’s messy again. She spent ages doing laundry yesterday, now all the clean clothes that she folded are dirty again, and the hamper is full of more dirty washing. She bathed her kids and dressed them nicely, now they’ve gone outside for 2 minutes and are dirty again. She cooked them a nice meal and baked some cookies, but everything’s been eaten.
Whereas jobs typically associated with what men do are more fulfilling because they actually have something to show for it. Like they renovated the bathroom and now they get to admire their work and be proud of it. They mowed the lawn, so it will stay nice for at least the next few days. They built their kids a tree hut which they can enjoy forever.
It’s no way generalizing gender roles or undermining women’s work, she just pointed out that this is why being a mom can feel so [bad] at times. You’re working all day, but have nothing to show for it.
Image source: throw0012, Getty Images/unsplash
#9
Leaving me to raise a child completely on my own for the past 3 years. No contact, no nothing. Just living his life as if he doesn’t have a son.
Image source: xaharringtonx, Getty Images/unsplash
Once you’ve read through all of these examples of dad privilege, we’d like to hear your perspectives in the comments, dear Pandas.
What are the most egregious examples of dad privilege that you’ve personally witnessed? If you happen to be a parent, how do you and your partner divide all of your responsibilities in a way that’s fair? What do you and your significant other do to give each other time to rest and recharge? Let us know.
#10
My 9yo daughters went on a 9 day trip with my mom and they left a few days before spring break. I mentioned to my husband how weird it would be with them gone and how it completely changed my schedule only having our toddler.
This man says “well they are pretty self sufficient, it won’t change that much!”
My entire day revolves around their school schedule! Making sure they get up on time (they do their entire morning routine by themselves and make their own lunches), getting them to school, picking them up from school… so my entire day is structured around them.
Image source: meghanlovessunshine, Getty Images/unsplash
#11
Being able to get only his self ready to leave the house every morning. He goes to the gym and showers and gets ready, meanwhile I’m at home getting myself and all 3 kids ready.
Image source: segn7, Getty Images/unsplash
#12
The ability to claim “I can’t really multitask, it’s not how my brain works”.
Image source: Bespectacled-mess, etty Images/unsplash
#13
Anytime he is left alone with our four year old, the grandparents jump at taking her and helping out. Whenever it’s me? Oh it’s just a normal day. Like this weekend I was away for my sister’s bachelorette and my mom insisted on taking my daughter for the whole day on Saturday. So he had a completely free day to himself. Yet whenever I have her and let’s say he’s at work, or with HIS friends, nada for me.
Image source: jessfm, Getty Images/unsplash
#14
Getting to sleep more than 2.5 hours at a time and more than 5 hours total (I’m breastfeeding, have 2under2).
Getting to eat food while it’s hot, and you’re sitting down, and without a baby on your chest.
Getting to take a 15 minute, private [bathroom] break whenever you want.
Image source: krakatoasoot, Getty Images/unsplash
#15
Being able to spend an entire weekend doing projects in the shed/yard while mum is stuck inside wrangling the kids and all the household chores.
anon:
And expecting to be fawned over like they cured cancer.
You mowed the lawn. Yeah sure it looks fine and all, but like, no one compliments me for doing laundry or how good the dishes look in the cabinet. If this is going to be your contribution to the household, at least do it on the same terms I do mine, which is to say, thanklessly and being told you could’ve done it better/ faster/ neater/ at a better time.
Image source: fedupwithallyourcrap, Sara Canonici/unsplash
#16
Dad clout!! It’s so easy for them to get compliments and held in high regard by doing next to nothing.
Tickle the baby? – DAD CLOUT
Bring Mom water? – DAD CLOUT
Hold a crying kid? – DAD CLOUT
Wash a single bottle? – DAD CLOUT.
Image source: MistyValentine, Leighann Blackwood/unsplash
#17
Daily shower
Walking away for “just a minute”
Resting your eyes
Being able to “work my shift”
Ignoring the piles of dishes and laundry after caring for the kid all day because you’ve “done your shift”
Having a hot cup of coffee
Screen time
A hobby that doesn’t include taking the kid along
Not having to prepare the grocery list
Not being the bad guy for forgetting something important.
Image source: currutia914, Valeriia Miller/unsplash
#18
As we head out the door for the Pinewood Derby: “Girls! Take a selfie with me before we leave! You look so cute.” Dad takes selfie for social media.
What Mom did: Sign the girls up for scouts, take them to meetings, buy the uniforms, help make their wooden cars, blow up balloons ahead of time since she’s on the race day decorating committee, pack snacks and cold water for 3 kids, get the address for the Derby, bathe and dress the children.
What Dad did: Take a selfie. Load the boxes in the car.
Image source: ClutterKitty, Getty Images/unsplash
#19
For me, it’s being able to lay down and fall asleep at any moment without thinking about the kids, the routine, the extra curriculars, dinner, etc. I could literally NEVER just walk into the living room, lay down and take a nap without first making sure all the things were taken care of, or at a very MINIMUM telling him that I’m taking a nap and he’s on kid duty. He will literally pass out on the couch after dinner and when he wakes up hours later I’ll have cleaned up dinner, bathed the kids, done bedtime routine, put them to bed, picked up the house, etc etc etc….
Image source: low_maintenanceSB, Vitaly Gariev/unsplash
#20
I was a SAHM and I was so jealous that he could eat lunch out every day, and dinner on the way home and I had to cook managing 2 sets of allergies and one neurospicy food needs for every meal and snack. (Besides the doctors and home-care, and other child-care stuff etc,).
Image source: DiscriminatoryRose, Hillshire Farm/unsplash
#21
I’m so thankful for y’all. I hate the “I’m exhausted” excuse more than anything in the world. How could you possibly be exhausted when you don’t do anything?! Just yesterday he was “too tired” to watch our daughter for an hour but then magically after the kids went to bed he got invited to hang out with the guys and stayed out until 1am. Right, so only exhausted when it comes to actually being responsible for your kids. Got it.
Image source: nemesis55, Vitaly Gariev/unsplash
#22
Not knowing where anything is and
Not being able to ask kindly where anything is
It’s always where’d you hide it
Next time…..maybe I will hide it.
Image source: AnonymousGardenn, Nathan Anderson/unsplash
#23
Knowing you can just walk away and do something and probably none of the children in the room are going to cry and protest that you’re leaving. Knowing you aren’t the default parent so unless asked oftentimes you just get to relax. My husband is great, but he’s also forgetful of my position and can fall into bad habits like this. I remember these things when he complains about how most of the excess in the budget goes towards skincare/hair care/etc. for me and clothing for me and my son. It’s petty but… I deserve those extra dollars.
Image source: GlitteringPositive77, Curated Lifestyle/unsplash
#24
That my ex had the audacity to ask– 2 days before my son’s 7th birthday party– if there was “anything he could do to help with planning” Bruh. The work is done. Glad this crossed your mind at all!
Image source: jdkewl, Vladislav Nikonov/unsplash
#25
Wait, some guys only take 15 minutes to [go to the bathroom]? Wow. I thought that was at least a 30 minute activity, minimum. I felt bad for taking a whole 5 minutes today (system is still unhappy from intestinal surgery 2 weeks ago) and I fit it all in between getting home from the school run (with groceries to bring in) but I needed to send Excel files out for morning conference calls and I was trying to hurry before anyone else needed me for anything because I refuse to Zoom chat (on my phone) in the bathroom.
Not having to remember what size anyone in the family is. Or favorite foods. Or who their doctors are. Or any medical conditions anyone else may have and medicines taken.
Not having to keep track of the family calendar because they’ll be reminded of it if it pertains to them.
Getting to criticize home or holiday decorating when they participated in exactly none of it, even when offered while shopping.
Getting congratulated for routine chores or cooking dinner and getting angry if anyone offers non-glowing comments or constructive criticism (even though that’s all Mom tends to get).
Image source: jjmoreta, Zoshua Colah/unsplash
#26
As I was leaving the house this morning, I was noticing how bad the weeds in our landscaping are. My thought process was “oh, I need to spend a few hours and get all of that cleaned up. I can’t do that with the kid running around because there’s no way he’d stay close enough by. I wonder what husband is doing this weekend and if he’d solo parent for a day so I could get it done.”
He would never even have that thought process and here I am worrying about trying to negotiate for the time to do household maintenance. Not even me-time, but just normal household stuff.
Image source: MidwestCPA91, Gabriel Ponton/unsplash
#27
Never having to consider what’s for dinner, do we have enough snacks/lunch fixings in the house, when would be a good time to get groceries, what store should I go to to maximize what we get (like this store doesn’t carry this brand so can’t do that, etc).
Imagine not even being fully aware of what’s currently in our cupboards or fridge.
He does a lot around the house, and he’s very aware of my mental load and things like that. But when it comes to food and meals he is clueless and helpless.
Image source: hotdog_relish, Marjan Blan/unsplash
#28
Being able to have down time/alone time every single night. Whether it be watching the tv shows he likes, video games, or doing art.
Being able to stay up as late as he wants & sleep in as late as he wants / be able sleep throughout the night without having to feed a baby or kicked the entire night.
Image source: Primary-Border8536, Getty Images/unsplash
#29
That he can focus on tasks without hearing “mom mom mom mom mom I WANT A SNACK!!!.” I feel like he sometimes gives me side eye when I say I haven’t called to schedule that thing or I haven’t sent that email to the bank yet (because of course I do all of that stuff) but it’s like, I can’t focus with a kid screaming in my ear!!!
He gets to drive to work listening to the news or his music. I exclusively listen to songs about trucks or trains or the soundtrack from the Lego movie because I only ever drive with the kid in the car.
And he actually got frustrated with me one night at dinner when I was being kind of quiet but like, I’m tired and entertain and four year old all day. I have nothing going on. I have nothing to talk about. I didn’t read any interesting articles or hold interesting conversations with other grown ups. I argued about popsicles with a four year old all day.
Image source: SnooAvocados6863, Getty Images/unsplash
#30
He gets to be a person. I spend so much time speaking in monosyllabic 3 word sentences. I feel significantly less intelligent and less like a person outside of mom-ing.
He also gets to rely on me. He always has someone to go to because I take care of them. But as amazing a dad as he is, I don’t have that. He helps a lot but sometimes I think he forgets that my whole life is them. I wanna be social with our family too.
Image source: Audryawesom, Kateryna Hliznitsova/unsplash
#31
The ability to completely overlook the thing I’ve asked you to find. One time it was a bag of frozen tater tots, and after he swore he couldn’t find them, they we literally on the top of everything in the freezer!
Image source: Quiet_Goat8086
#32
Never the default up all night with sick kids. Mine will do it if I wake him up and ask him but when the kids are sick they want me anyways so I usually don’t bother.
Image source: katiekabooms
#33
The endless amount of times I have to get snacks for my kids because they apparently can only ask me.
Image source: Educational_Ebb_7367
#34
Can I just say. I went through the comments and I feel sooo seen I want to cry. My husband really pissed me off yesterday cuz the baby was sick and I was trying to get her to sleep but apparently I wasn’t doing it the way he liked so he literally got up and grabbed my baby from me. Like wth?! He’s allowed to throw a tantrum or act like this, but when I do it, I’m being unreasonable and he’s SO HURT AND DISAPPOINTED. I’m always the one that has to regulate my own emotions and take a step back and defuse the situation. I can NEVER just scream back at him because what good would that do for anyone??
I’m sorry for hijacking the post but yeah so many points here are exactly what I struggle with.. I feel so seen with you ladies. Thank you.
Image source: GlowQueen140
#35
Getting to go on 3 day weekends alone with friends because your wife didn’t want to plan, pack and find a babysitter so she could come with.
Getting to walk away and chat with someone for more then 5 mins without being interrupted during any gathering ever.
Providing a “paycheck” is higher “value” then literally caring for an entire house full of tiny humans and a king baby.
Image source: tristessa-adore
#36
I’ve just returned from a weeks vacation with my kid, husband and the inlaws.
Back home, my dh and I try to take care of the kid equally.
My dh knows his schedule, his medical info and everything, and he is even taking on some of the mental load.
Some.
Not 50%, but some, cause the bar is so freaking low.
On vacation with MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and their 3 kids?
My dh doesnt have to do ANYTHING???
I DIDNT KNOW THAT RULE!
Kid and I just got ditched EVERY single day and left home alone while the rest of the party went on excursions.
Our kid is 21 months, so he still naps you see.
But apparently ALL excursions just HAD to happen during his naps?
We couldnt join a single thing if I hadnt just thrown kid in the car and just showed up where the rest of the family went.
By day 3 I stopped following them, and kid and me just did our own thing.
[Awful] to be my inlaws though, since I grew up on the island we were vacationing on, so I know EVERYBODY and get the royal treatment when I show up now.
So while the inlaws were busy getting soaked in the rain, my kid and I had afternoon tea with cakes and sandwiches at a castle.
During that week, I had 2 hours of downtime while not watching my kid solo.
2 hours!
And thats only because I had to gointo town to get kid new shoes and to the pharmacy.
My husband is very much in the doghouse now.
And we are not vacationing with the inlaws again, and I went and hired a nanny for babysitting, so that MIL and FIL wont have to be burdened by babysitting my kid again.
Image source: PandasLover
#37
In the morning he can just roll over and fall back asleep when the kids get into bed with us because he knows I’ll stay awake to make sure they don’t fall out of bed and hurt themselves.
Image source: whostolethesampo
#38
My husband sits in the bathroom for 2 hours. Every day.
Image source: Impressive-Bicycle73
#39
He can just walk out of the room without checking to make sure the other parent (me) is watching kids. Just jumps in the shower without seeing if I had to do anything first.
Image source: MrsMcGill
#40
The ability to just go upstairs and nap. No comment, no warning, just there one minute and gone the next. I don’t resent the napping itself, it’s the up and gone part. Just tell me so I’m not left holding the bag when kiddo inevitably wants you for something.
Image source: Kitsunefyre
#41
How about the waiting to eat whatever you cook, at any point of the day, but NEVER WASHING A DISH!
My husband does this and it makes me see red.
I don’t want to work outside the house bc then I’ll be working and still cleaning/cooking.
A few months ago we had an argument since our youngest is in 1st grade now he thinks I should go back to work.
I told him I’d start putting in applications when he starts doing the dishes 3x a week. That settled the argument because he has washed dishes once since then, even after being home for almost an entire month between jobs. 😬😬😬😬😬😬😡.
Image source: sallydreams
#42
“I don’t get a break either” YOU GET AWAY FROM THEM AT LEAST.
Image source: TheSwamp_Witch
#43
The ability to just leave the house with no kids & hang with friends whenever we have an argument.
Image source: Primary-Border8536
#44
My favorite line of all time, “but you’re just GOOD at it”.
Image source: Pretty-Free-1
#45
Getting to leave whenever without a child attached to the hip, being able to pick and choose when they want to parent, and being able to act like as if they have no kid(s)…
Image source: BlanchesLipstick
#46
Just being able to work without considering what happens to the baby! If I want to work I need to find a sitter or daycare and I need to pay for it. Him, nope. He uses his mom and I get a call if she cant.
Image source: fuck_thegirl
#47
Getting right up out of bed and going straight to the shower.
Image source: cucumbermoon
#48
Being able to stay late at work to socialize with no warning, while telling me that if I want to do something, I should add it to the calendar.
Image source: steggo
#49
When he says he’s had a hard day with the toddler, I know exactly what he means. But when I said I’d had a a hard day with the baby, I had to convince him.
Image source: windowlickers_anon
#50
My now-stbxh travels for work. Last year he had the AUDACITY to ask me why I say I’m cleaning every time he calls me. He went on to say that he cleaned the house before he left (while I was away on a work trip) and that he should be able to walk out the door and come home a few weeks later to a clean house. I asked if he was effing serious, with me, a young adult and a pet also living here???
So then I asked a series of questions as to what exactly he “cleaned.” Blinds? Window sills and sliding door tracks? Windows and mirrors? Baseboards and walls? Stove, oven, microwave, other appliances, countertops? Clean the inside of the fridge? Any tubs, showers, toilets, sinks or floors? Did he wash the shower curtains? Do any dusting? Clean the lamps or ceiling fans? Polish the furniture? Wash out the litter box and food/water bowls? Clean the patio furniture? Oh…no to all of the above? So can you tell me what, exactly, you cleaned? Oh – you vacuumed, emptied the dishwasher and straightened up. SO YOU TIDIED. YOU DIDN’T CLEAN.
I mean, he sees me doing all of the above when he’s home, so how is that even a question????
Image source: oldsoul210
#51
He can shower any time he wants. I can only shower during nap or bedtime. But I also have schoolwork to do during those times.
He can also go out and come home at any time without worrying. I went out to dinner with friends not too long ago. When I checked her bedroom camera 45 minutes after bedtime, she was crying and screaming because she didn’t want to go to sleep with him. I told friends I had to leave. I didn’t tell them because I had to put her to bed, but that was why.
Image source: spottedzebraz
#52
My ex-husband would ask me every. Week. What time does DD get out of school. I call it “blissful ignorance”.
Image source: jojokangaroo1969
#53
Actually having an opportunity to sit down.
Being told “thank you” for doing xyz
Not having tiny hands CONSTANTLY TOUCHING YOU FROM SUN UP TO SUN DOWN
Getting to leave the house every day and doing fun things at a job he loves (which, considering some of the soul-sucking jobs he’s had to work to get here, I’m not super bitter about that — but still also kinda bitter lol).
Image source: Eternal-curiosity
#54
I cursed my x husband out bcuz he couldn’t take the kids this weekend bcus he has a work meeting with a friend. And I told him I’m dropping the kids off figure it out. If I have to so can you. The audacity of this man to be like ” I’m not available this weekend. So I won’t answer”
They have the option the be part time parents we don’t.
Image source: Plzspeaksoftly
#55
Being able to focus on one thing at a time because they don’t have to think about anyone else while completing a task. Example: if my husband decides to cook then he asks me to keep an eye on the kids. In turn, when I cook, I have to do both.
Image source: Tiredaf6252
#56
Looking like a *Super Dad* when you go to see *his* family, because they don’t see at home that you do everything and he does nothing.
Any time you get in an argument they are on the “winning side” because they’re “logical” one while you’re the “emotional / unhinged” one.
Image source: Primary-Border8536
#57
Going on a 9 day friend’s trip to a luxury cabin every year for 6/7 years despite not having the funds to accommodate it but ‘making due’ and falling behind…
Image source: 0000ismidnight
#58
The ability to go fishing in the middle of the Canadian wilderness without anyway to contact anyone or be contacted. Oh and hunting trips too!
Image source: gingersrule77
#59
Saying having free time is a CHOICE. How dare he!?
Image source: DainichiNyorai
#60
I sometimes find myself thinking that I’d enjoy the day-to-day of being a parent significantly more if I were a dad.
Image source: NolitaNostalgia
#61
This question short circuits my brain bc soooooo much comes to mind. And it just gets so many emotions in me started lol. All I’m gonna say is the mental load is unreal for us. And the fact that so many men work and think that’s all they should do, just baffles me. And it’s the same men that fight for full custody, even though they know nothing about what is really needed to take care of a child. I’m just bitter tho, so 🤣 totally went off course 😅 but yeah….what ever one else is saying lol.
Image source: -insert_name-here_
