It’s not an open relationship because it’s never discussed.
But for reasons individual to the couple, one partner has permission to discreetly take a lover on the side – so long as the other gets something in return.
The ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ deal is as old as the marriage contract itself.
It’s an (often unspoken) trade: the rich guy gets to have sex outside the marriage; his pretty, young wife gets to live an enviable lifestyle.
For women who’ve lost their mojo, the deal might be that he gets to have sex with others and she gets to stop having it at all.
His sex drive is way higher than yours? Why not turn a blind eye and outsource to take some pressure off?
Less cheating, more a tacit agreement, the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ relationship model keeps things ticking along in more marriages than you think.
I spoke with three women who happily practise it – and one who flips the script.
Sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox (pictured) says the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ relationship model ‘keeps things ticking along in more marriages than you think’
THE ‘WE’RE FRIENDS NOT LOVERS’ ARRANGEMENT
‘After 25 years together, my husband feels more like my best friend than a lover. I don’t want to divorce him – we’ve built a whole life together, raised kids, have a circle of friends I value so much. But I don’t feel sexual towards him anymore.
‘We tried getting things going again in the bedroom, even went to see a sex therapist. The truth is though; I don’t want to want.
‘I was never that interested in sex, it was a means to an end for me. I wanted kids. He is still very much interested.
‘It’s not fair for me to make him stay married to me and sign up for a life without sex, so we made a deal. Instead of destroying our family by us breaking up, I quietly gave him permission to seek sex elsewhere.
‘We had one conversation where we set the rules – no one is to know, especially friends and family, safe sex always and sex not love relationships – then the subject was closed.
‘I wasn’t sure how I’d handle it, but it’s worked really well. He gets his needs met, I don’t have to have sex ever again and we keep the companionship and stability we both desperately didn’t want to lose.
‘Our marriage improved because we stopped fighting about sex, I stopped feeling resentful about having to have it and he stopped feeling rejected.
‘I don’t know who he sleeps with, but I think he has an arrangement with at least one married woman. I saw a text once, before he could hide it, and I saw “my husband” mentioned.
‘I was relieved: I’d rather he sleeps with women who aren’t single and don’t want to steal him. Though I honestly don’t think he could be stolen because he loves me and the kids and this arrangement works well for him, too.
‘How many other men get a pass to have sex with other women? People would be shocked if they knew but it works for us.’
THE ‘I’M NOT INTO HIS KINK’ AGREEMENT
‘My husband is into a very specific kink that I have zero interest in. BDSM: he likes to be tied up and whipped and I find it all so off-putting, it’s cringey just talking about it.
‘I tried to indulge him at the start but it’s so not me. I couldn’t be any more vanilla and I like being vanilla. But he loves it and wasn’t prepared to give it up.
‘I had a choice: end it with him or allow him to satisfy his kink with someone else. For me, it feels like outsourcing a job I don’t want to do. We’re still emotionally close, we travel together, laugh and I really enjoy the sex we have.
‘If he pays to be whipped by some woman in latex once in a while, why should that bother me? It keeps him happy, and I get to keep my dignity and my marriage.
‘Deals like this are made more often than you think. I have girlfriends who know their partners visit sex workers and turn a blind eye. Relationships are always a trade-off.’
THE ‘I WANT THE LIFESTYLE BUT NOT THE SEX’ DEAL
‘My husband travels for work quite a bit and I know he has the occasional fling. I’m not naïve.
‘But here’s the truth: I like my life too much to blow it up over a few hotel one-nighters.
‘He gives me financial security, we have a beautiful home, holidays I’d never afford on my own, and he’s a wonderful father.
‘We don’t have sex much anymore – my libido has plummeted since menopause – so if he needs to find it elsewhere now and then, fine. I don’t want to have sex three times a week anymore. I’ve done my bit.
‘I want to drink wine in Tuscany and send the kids to private school. That’s the deal I’ve made with myself.
‘It will work as long as he keeps it discreet and never tells me – that puts it in a whole other category because then I’d be forced to take some action for my own self-esteem.
‘This classic look-the-other-way deal is something I’m sure lots of couples have but never talk about in public – or to each other.’
Tracey’s latest book is Great Sex Starts At 50. Her podcast, SexTok With Tracey And Kelsey, comes out every Wednesday.
