I’m aware that my writing about having a successful marriage is like Putin pontificating on being a people-pleaser, or Gwyneth Paltrow expounding on living frugally. How, you ask, can I possibly give relationship advice when my own imploded so spectacularly?
In my defence, I’ve spent the six years since my marriage spilt interviewing relationship experts, taking to couples therapists and reading a gazillion books on where I/it went wrong. My children’s eyes are permanently rolled upwards as I hoover/cook and tidy listening to podcasts on attachment styles, conflict resolution and the science behind love. Part of the book I wrote on my heartbreak (How To Heal A Broken Heart) explored ways in which I had contributed to my marriage’s demise.
Here’s what I wish I had done…
Talked about sex
It’s pretty insane that you can spend decades in a partnership with a person without an honest conversation about sex, but full disclosure, that’s what I did. Why? A mix of embarrassment and thinking that nice girls didn’t sully themselves with such baseness.
Now, thanks to interviewing people like the sex doctor Dr Karen Gurney, I know it’s important to ask what the other person wants and feels and then to listen – really listen – to what they have to say. Plus, remember everyone likes to feel desired. So tell them you find them hot. Or you like how they smell. Send them flirty texts.
Realised you see things differently and that’s okay
In marriage counselling, the therapist told us: ‘You will both have different world views and that’s okay.’ This was a revelation to me. I thought my way of seeing things was the correct one and if his differed, I needed to railroad him into agreeing with mine. This wasn’t so much about wanting to ‘win’ but because I believed we needed to be united on all things or else we were incompatible and then doomed to split. Oh, the irony. Now I realise it’s all about respecting someone else’s opinions.
Learned about love
How weird is it that in school you learn trigonometry, how to ask directions to the bus station in French and what an oxbow lake is (skills I’ve never deployed in real life) but not how to have successful relationships? This, you are just expected to know.
Now, post-divorce, I have educated myself on how past influences and experiences might contribute to your/their insecurities or affect your/their loving style. I’m always gathering information on how to navigate conflict and forge a better connection. I’m currently listening to an array of relationship podcasts (The New York Times’ Modern Love, Rylan’s How to Be in Love and Esther Perel’s Where Should We Begin?), watching Couples Therapy on BBC iPlayer and reading Joanna Harrison’s Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have.
Since her divorce, Rosie Green has been interviewing relationship experts and talking to couples therapists
Dr Orna Guralnik gives relationship advice on the BBC’s Couples Therapy
Made them feel loved
It’s not about grand gestures (a room full of flowers or 10-carat Kardashian-style diamonds) but daily acts of consideration and/or kindness that are critical. Think of them as emotional deposits in your relationship bank.
Here, it’s about giving more than you take (hard – I realised I kept a mental score sheet). Bring them a coffee in bed, put a hot water bottle in it at night, make their favourite meal, leave them a loving note. Even when you don’t feel like it. Be generous with compliments. It sounds crazy, but I thought too many of those might make my ex big-headed then he’d leave me.
Lowered my expectations
When I was growing up, I was fed Hollywood’s vision of romance. Men were strong yet emotionally intuitive, as well as capable and devastatingly handsome with good table manners. They would declare their love loudly and publicly. They would buy extravagant gifts and say things like ‘I’ve loved you from the first second I met you’ (Hugh Grant’s character Charles in Four Weddings and a Funeral) or ‘You complete me’ (Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire). This isn’t real life. So, I spent a lot of my time permanently disappointed. Now I know real love is messy and imperfect.
Been very clear
When it comes to telling your loved one something really important, something you are embarrassed or nervous about disclosing, it is key to be direct. In the past I fudged it, couched it, mumbled it and the message got lost. If it matters, spell it out. If needs be, write it down.
Asked questions I didn’t want to hear the answers to
Maybe they don’t fancy you anymore. Maybe they fancy Sandra in accounts. Maybe they loathe the way you eat your dinner. Or feel stifled. Or ignored. You need to know these things so you can work it out.
Tom Cruise promoted unrealistic expectations with his grand gesture in Jerry Maguire
Settled arguments quickly
It’s not the arguments that’ll finish off your relationship, but how bad you are at resolving them. Conflict management might sound like a term more suited to the diplomatic service, but it’s key to how successful your relationship is.
Don’t get fixated on ‘winning’ – instead, listen to their POV. Don’t get personal and try to say ‘I feel’ rather than ‘you did’. Learn to self-regulate and take time to think before you speak (shout). Good relationships can rupture and then repair stronger. De-escalate a situation with humour or by indicating you will fix this together.
Got therapy when things were good
Just like it’s better to go to the doctor with a small splinter than to wait for it to turn into an ulcerating mess, I think early intervention is key. If your partner is unwilling or you don’t have the cash to go to a counsellor, then read around your issues and initiate conversations about them. And, if all else fails, send them some relevant Instagram reels.
Taken a break from the old routine
By this, I mean travel. A study published in the Journal Of Travel says couples who get away together report increased relationship satisfaction. If this is impractical, do something new together. Get off the sofa basically. Novelty is good. Creating new memories is bonding.
Then, if after you’ve done all this, they still bugger off with Sandra from accounts, it’s on them.
