How to deal with this difficult situation?
This is the key rule for this one: boundaries must be set by the son, not the daughter in law.
Acceptable and healthy ‘requests’ include limiting how often she visits and how long she stays. It’s also fine to insist neither of you will be sharing intimate details of the marriage with her. Letting her know she must respect your parenting decisions is another must.
The marriages that survive mother-in-law conflict have one thing in common: the husband understands that protecting his marriage doesn’t mean rejecting his mother. The goal isn’t confrontation; it’s redefining the relationship.
What doesn’t work is saying nothing and hoping she’ll change, competing for his loyalty, putting up with it and being ‘the bigger person’ (no-one deserves to be treated badly) or forcing him to choose between her and you.
‘She redecorated the nursery while I was giving birth.’
Sarah, 38, married seven years
‘Patricia had a key to our house and boy did she use it. She’d come in while we were at work and “help”.
‘Cook dinner for us, even though I already had a meal planned. Send the babysitter home and look after the kids herself instead. Move furniture around to “make the room look better”. I felt violated in my own home.
‘My husband thought it was “sweet” that she cared so much and that she was “lonely”. She was never rude to me or openly criticised, so I felt like I couldn’t complain.
‘The final straw was when I returned home from the hospital with baby number two to find she’d redecorated the nursery entirely: painted the walls, changed the furniture and given away our things to charity. She said my choices were impractical and that she knew better because she’d raised four children.
‘My husband knew she was doing it and thought it would be a “surprise”.
‘We ended up at therapy, we changed the locks and he had a difficult but necessary conversation with her. It’s a bit formal between us now but our marriage has survived.’
‘She bought the same jeans as me to prove how much better she looks in them.’
Jennifer, 39, married nine years
‘His mum is a young mum. She’s very attractive – and knows it. She looked me up and down when we met and it was clear I didn’t measure up.
‘Within two hours she’d made a derogatory comparison to his ex-wife (“Angela never had to watch her weight” when I refused extra potatoes), then she asked me why I was wearing black because it was “ageing”.
‘I don’t know why I married Steve. He was as besotted with his mother as she was with him.
‘She’d flirt with him and he was always telling her how beautiful she was: me, not so much.
‘One day I turned up wearing a pair of Reiss jeans that I thought looked great on me. She pursed her lips and said, “Those don’t suit you. But they would me”.
‘The next time we saw her, she had them on. “I hope you don’t mind – they’re two sizes smaller of course”.
‘My husband jumped in and told her she looked “gorgeous as usual”. That night I went home and booked an appointment with a divorce lawyer.’
‘She tells me I’m not a “real” mother or wife.’
Claire, 44, married 12 years
‘Whenever she visits, she rearranges my cupboards, criticises what I do or don’t have in the fridge, tut-tuts at the kid’s lunchboxes and God help me if she finds what she calls “cheat” ingredients (like readymade sauces).
‘She tells me “I cooked everything from scratch when Mark was little” at least ten times each visit.
‘When I reply that I work full-time and she didn’t, she laughs and says, “It’s a shame that women can’t be proper wives and mothers these days. I’m not sure who is benefiting from this”.
‘Mark rolls his eyes behind her back but says she’s just trying to help. From the moment she arrives until when she leaves, I feel stressed, underappreciated and criticised.
‘She plants seeds: “Are you sure she knows what she’s doing?”, “Does she realise how hard you work?”‘
