Dear Jana,
This is embarrassing to admit, but I woke up the other morning to find my husband ‘enjoying himself’ while watching porn on his phone – right next to me in bed. He thought I was asleep.
Now look, I’m not naïve. I know men watch porn and I’m not against it. What bothers me is that he was doing it literally beside me.
I would have at least expected him to sneak off to the bathroom or wait until I wasn’t there. Instead I was lying two feet away while he thought I was snoozing.
Part of me is also offended he didn’t just wake me up if he was in that sort of mood.
I confronted him and he said it was ‘normal’ to watch porn in bed and that it would be weird and deceptive to do it elsewhere. I literally had no words.
Am I being prudish about this, or is it disrespectful to treat your sleeping partner like they’re not even in the room?
Wide Awake.
Daily Mail columnist Jana Hocking (pictured) gives advice to a woman who is worried about the way her husband consumes porn
Dear Wide Awake,
I have one word for you: RUDE.
What I will say, however, is that some people (yes, myself included) sometimes use it as a form of stress relief. I’ve definitely done it when I’ve been struggling to sleep.
A good orgasm does wonders for shushing an overactive mind and relaxing the muscles, allowing you to drift off.
So perhaps he was ‘rubbing one out’, as they say, simply to get a bit of shut-eye. I can understand him not wanting to wake you up if he just needed a quick release. I wouldn’t take it too personally.
The fact of the matter is, people masturbate. We all do. There shouldn’t be any shame in that. So with all that said, I’m leaning slightly towards the idea that you might be being a touch prudish here.
Still, it’s perfectly acceptable to have boundaries with this sort of thing.
There’s being comfortable in front of your partner… and then there’s being too comfortable. So tell him you’re not down for that particular bedside activity and he can sort himself out elsewhere if he suddenly feels the urge in the middle of the night.
‘I confronted him and he said it was ‘normal’ to watch porn in bed and that it would be weird and deceptive to do it elsewhere. I literally had no words’ (stock image posed by models)
Or, if you were offended that he didn’t turn to you in his moment of need, next time you feel the sheets rustling at 1am, let him know you’re awake and give him the old wink and nod. He’ll probably be thrilled.
We sometimes forget that men love it when women make the first move.
So really, you’ve got two options here. Tell him to take it to another room… or lean right in.
Both viable options.
Dear Jana,
I’m recently divorced after a long marriage and starting to think about dating again. The problem is something that’s always made me insecure.
I’m not particularly well-endowed. My ex-wife never made it an issue and our sex life was fine, but the thought of being naked with someone new fills me with dread.
Dating apps already feel intimidating enough without worrying whether I’m going to disappoint someone the moment things move to the bedroom.
How much do women actually care about size in the real world, and how do I approach dating again without this insecurity sabotaging me before I even begin?
Second Time Around.
Dear Second Time Around,
True story: I slept with a guy last year with a pecker on the smallish side, and he turned out to be the biggest player I’ve ever dated.
Safe to say, he did not let the size of his member stop him from attempting to sleep with every woman within an eight-kilometre radius.
In fact, he left many heartbroken women in his wake. My friends and I still scratch our heads over it.
But his bravado is exactly what you need here. What he lacked in size, he made up for in confidence. And this man had it in spades.
Because if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: It’s all about the ‘motion in the ocean’, not the size. Seriously, it really is what you do with it that matters.
And here’s a fun fact: Around 70-80 per cent of women require clitoral stimulation to orgasm rather than penetration alone – and only about 18-25 per cent of women report orgasming from penetration alone without additional stimulation.
So what you want to do is work on your foreplay skills. That’s where the real magic lies. Learn how to give great oral. Watch some helpful YouTube clips on how to stimulate our clitoral area (hot tip: go slow). Work us into a lather, and we won’t give a hoot about your size.
Learn the skills, and the confidence will follow.
Dear Jana,
I’m worried my son might be turning into someone I don’t recognise. He’s 23 and over the past year he’s become obsessed with these ‘alpha male’ and red-pill podcasts and YouTube channels.
Suddenly everything is about how women are manipulative, how men should never show weakness, and how relationships are a power game.
The hardest part is watching how it’s affecting his girlfriend. He talks down to her, dismisses her feelings, and then claims she’s being ’emotional’ if she pushes back.
This isn’t how I raised him. He used to be kind and thoughtful.
I’ve tried talking to him but he just tells me I’ve been ‘brainwashed by feminism’.
Is this just a phase young men go through these days, or should I be worried I’m watching my son turn into a narcissist?
Not My Son.
Dear Not My Son,
Oh, dear. Anyone who has watched the Netflix series Adolescence will understand exactly where you are coming from.
Sadly, this is a growing trend. There’s an entire online ecosystem right now telling young men that the world is against them, that women are the enemy, and that relationships are some sort of strategic power game.
It’s seductive content for someone in their early 20s who might be feeling uncertain about their place in the world.
The good news is you’ve picked up on it. Many parents don’t until the attitudes are so entrenched that the conversations become impossible.
Louis Theroux just released a documentary, Inside the Manosphere, where he goes deep into this world. In it, he meets some of the influencers and online personalities pushing these ideas and explores why so many young men are being drawn into it.
I would suggest sitting down and watching it with him. Offer a counter-argument in the form of another male who has researched it thoroughly and objectively. Because while he may not listen to you, he may just listen to another man.
The truth is, most of these ‘alpha male’ gurus are not actually teaching confidence. They’re teaching resentment dressed up as empowerment.
And that’s why I think you’re right to look a little deeper here. A lot of young men who fall into this content are usually feeling insecure, rejected, or unsure of themselves. These podcasts give them a neat explanation for those feelings: it’s not you, it’s women.
I find that any man who feels the need to manipulate women rather than connect with them is usually a bit lost.
That doesn’t mean you’ve ‘lost’ your son, of course.
At 23, people experiment with ideas. They try on identities. They test beliefs that feel rebellious or powerful. Most eventually grow out of it once real life, and real relationships, challenge those views.
The best thing you can do is keep the door open for conversation. Don’t attack him or mock what he’s listening to, because that will only push him deeper into that corner.
Instead, ask questions, challenge the ideas calmly and, most importantly, continue to be a model of the respect and empathy you raised him with.
Those values are still in there somewhere.
Right now, he’s just listening to some very loud voices online telling him otherwise.
Drop me an email or DM if you have a question for Ask Jana.
Email: [email protected]
Instagram: jana_hocking
