Q My husband died eight months ago. He’d had dementia for six years and was getting worse, remembering very little and becoming aggressive and angry. He finally had a major stroke and died, so while there has been some relief at no longer seeing him in distress, I feel devastated nevertheless. We had been married for 50 years and, while we didn’t have a perfect marriage, we were happy enough and had survived tough times with our middle child.
However, what I can’t get over is that he said some terrible things to me in the last year of his life. He had to go into a care home because he couldn’t move unassisted, and he often shouted at me that I didn’t love him, that I had abandoned him and that I was cruel and heartless.
He repeatedly told the nurses that I had had an affair with his best friend (who died years ago) – totally untrue – and that I was just waiting for him to die. The staff were immensely kind and always told me it was just the disease, but it really upset me. Even now I can’t forget it and fear this is how he must have really felt.
I can’t get over that he said some terrible things to me in the last year of his life (Stock image)
A I am familiar with dementia and my heart goes out to you because it is such a distressing disease, especially when aggression is part of the deterioration. But these beliefs are symptoms, not truths. Dementia strips the brain of its ability to distinguish reality from fantasy.
It’s not uncommon for those affected to think they still have a job to go to or that long-dead parents are about to arrive. I even have a friend whose mother firmly believed she was pregnant – at 90 – because of a TV-soap storyline. Older memories and emotions often outlast recent ones, but they return distorted.
Your husband’s accusations of course feel hurtful but please try not to give them any significance. They may have stemmed from old fears from a time when your marriage was under strain, which resurfaced in the wrong context.
This all weighs heavily on you because your grief is still raw, and sadly the last version of a person has an unfair power to overshadow the life that came before. That grip will loosen.
Feeling guilt about care homes is almost universal, but sometimes there is truly no alternative – and years of caring exact a cost both emotional and physical that is often not fully acknowledged. Be as kind to yourself now as you were to him then. Reclaim your social life and activities, and seek support. Alzheimers.org.uk can help you see this illness, and its damage, more clearly.
I DON’T WANT TO SOCIALISE WITH MY COLLEAGUE
Q I am friends with a woman at work and we sometimes go for a drink together at the end of the week before heading home. Recently another colleague spotted us in a bar and joined us uninvited, and now wants to make it a regular thing.
My friend gets on well enough with her, but this woman has not always been kind to me. She is much younger and I once overheard her in the ladies’ lavatory making savage remarks about my work and appearance, unaware I could hear.
I’m not bothered by her opinions – I’m happy with my looks and good at my job – but if she doesn’t like me, why should I socialise with her? Should I be direct or are my friend and I reduced to sneaking off separately?
A Tricky, because if you were direct – either by telling her what you overheard or by explaining that you and your colleague have known each other for ages and like spending time alone – she could take offence and make life awkward at work. Much depends on how much influence she has and whether she could cause trouble.
It’s also possible she was insecure and said those things to impress someone else, or thought it was what they wanted to hear. She must like you to some extent to want to join you both. A halfway option may be best: include her occasionally, but meet elsewhere on other evenings, so the arrangement stays friendly without becoming something you dread.
