Dear Jana,
After a messy divorce and a few difficult years, I’ve finally met someone I genuinely see a future with. She’s kind, wonderful with my kids, and has even talked openly about wanting one of our own. We’re now engaged.
But there’s one thing I can’t get out of my head.
While we were talking about past relationships, she admitted her last one ended because they grew apart and that she had ’emotionally checked out’ long before they actually split.
When I told my mates this, they reacted like I’d walked out of Chernobyl.
According to them, a woman saying she ‘checked out emotionally’ is a giant red flag. Apparently, it’s a big thing men are talking about on the internet.
They claim it’s what cheaters say to justify cheating, or what someone says when they’re lining up their next move before officially becoming single. ‘The three most toxic words any woman can say,’ was how one put it.
Suddenly, they’re warning me she’s bad news and that she probably cheated on her ex. I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t rattled me.
A husband-to-be asks Daily Mail columnist Jana Hocking (pictured) if he should be worried about how his new fiancée’s previous relationship ended
Is what she told me really a red flag? Honestly, I’m not sure I even understand what she meant.
Three-Word Crisis.
Dear Three-Word Crisis,
I think it’s time to find some new friends – ones that actually understand women.
Saying she ‘checked out emotionally’ doesn’t mean she was cheating or lining up her next boyfriend before breaking up with the last one. That sort of paranoid thinking makes my eyes roll.
What it usually means is she reached her limit in a relationship that was probably exhausting.
Here’s the thing about us women: when we’ve been in a rubbish relationship for a long time, something quietly switches off.
It’s not dramatic. There’s no big moment. It’s more like a slow fade. And, frankly, men should be worried about that: most relationships end because of disinterest, not a soul-crushing affair.
‘A woman saying she “checked out emotionally” doesn’t mean she was cheating or lining up her next boyfriend,’ says Jana. ‘What it usually means is she reached her limit in a relationship that was probably exhausting.’ (Stock image posed by models)
Rather than believe your mates’ theory that you’re about to marry a cheater because of how she innocuously described her last break-up, I would take her at face value.
If you want to make it last with her, I would be focusing more on how engaged she is, rather than constantly looking for her wandering eye.
If you want a perfect example of what ‘checked out emotionally’ looks like without involving female infidelity, take the reality show Summer House, which I’m addicted to at the moment.
One of the women, Amanda, was discussing rumours her husband, Kyle, had cheated on her again. She said, ‘I’m worried because I don’t even care anymore if it’s true or not.’
That’s it. That’s the moment.
When a woman stops caring, the relationship is already on life-support. She’s physically still in the room, but mentally she’s packed her bags and is just building up the courage to leave for good.
And trust me, a lot of women do this. It’s not as evil and toxic as your friends think it is. We just stay longer than we should. We try to make things work, because we tend to be people-pleasers by nature. And when you’ve invested time and energy in a relationship, it’s tough to end it. So by the time we actually walk away, yes, we’ve pretty much already grieved the end of the relationship.
So no, what she said isn’t some secret code that tells you she’s going to cheat. All it says is that she stayed too long in a relationship that was already dead.
Evidently, after that break-up, she saw you and decided you were a better option. My question is: why are you so bothered by her reasons for leaving the other guy?
Also, I really want to flag one important thing here… don’t let your mates get in your head about what’s going on in your relationship.
You’ve described a woman who sounds wonderful. It seems like she knows what she wants, and what she doesn’t, and that’s not a bad thing to bring to a relationship.
So unless she has given you a genuine reason to doubt her, I wouldn’t go digging around, looking for problems that aren’t there.
Sometimes ‘I checked out’ means ‘I was done before I was brave enough to admit it.’
Dear Jana,
I love my husband, but I’m starting to feel like I can’t have a life that doesn’t include him.
He comes to everything. Not just the big stuff, but the small girly stuff. The other day, I went to lunch and we were all talking about our pelvic floors and someone’s awful date, and he sat there smiling, chiming in, asking questions like he was part of the group.
A woman whose husband insists on coming with her on girls’ night needs advice on sitting him down for a tough but necessary conversation (stock image posed by models)
At first my friends found it funny. But now when we make plans, they message me asking if it’s ‘just us this time’ and I don’t know what to say.
I’ve been invited on a hens weekend away and, for the first time in ages, I feel excited about something that’s just mine. But I’m already bracing for the conversation. He’ll either joke about coming, or go quiet and make me feel like I’m abandoning him.
How do I say ‘I want to go without you’ without it turning into a whole emotional saga?
Let Me Breathe.
Dear Let Me Breathe,
No offence, but your husband sounds like an absolute punish.
And as someone who cannot stand when my girlfriends bring their partners to girly time, let me say this clearly: it’s time to set some boundaries.
Preferably a year ago, but today will do.
Now, normally I would say sit him down and have a kind, gentle chat explaining that you need space and it’s not a threat to the relationship, blah blah blah…
But no. Not this time.
Because from what you’ve described, he’s not clueless. The whole ‘going quiet so you feel like you’re abandoning him’ routine is not accidental. It just means he’s mastered the art of manipulation.
Well not today, Satan. You’re his partner, not his mother.
This does sound like a classic case of anxious attachment, but you can be empathetic to that without pandering to it.
So instead of tiptoeing around his feelings, keep it simple and direct. Say, ‘I’m going on the hens weekend. It’s just the girls, and I’m really looking forward to it.’
No over-explaining. No apologising. No opening the floor for negotiation.
Because the more you try to soften it, the more space he has to turn it into a discussion about his feelings instead of your entirely reasonable request.
And please, this isn’t even a big ask. Wanting time with your friends, without your spouse hovering nearby is normal and healthy.
If he can’t handle that without sulking, then that’s something he needs to sit with, not something you need to fix.
Go on the trip. Have a drink. Talk about pelvic floors in peace.
Dear Jana,
I walked out of a date last week and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.
I’m a male nurse. I work hard, I do long shifts, and I care about what I do. The date started off fine, nothing amazing but easy enough. Then she asked what I did and her vibe changed instantly when I told her.
She laughed – not in a joking way, but in a ‘you’re not being serious’ kind of way. Then she went on about how she wants someone ‘on her level’, someone driven, someone who earns real money.
I just sat there thinking, ‘Is this where we’re at now?’ I paid for dinner, left, and she texted later saying I was ‘too sensitive’.
I’m not flashy, but I’m not a deadbeat either. Do women really care this much about status, or am I just running into the wrong ones?
Not Good Enough.
Dear Not Good Enough,
Classy move paying for her dinner, but yes, we leave that date in the bin where it belongs.
What annoys me most about this woman is that she clearly has no idea what she’s talking about. Unless you’ve had someone you love in hospital and seen the level of care nurses provide, you don’t get to dismiss it as some sort of second-rate career.
Nurses are the backbone of the system. The rest of us would fall apart without them.
So let’s just park her in the ‘loud and wrong’ category and move on.
This woman does not deserve you. Not by a long shot. But it sounds like you’ve already clocked that, so well done.
Now to your actual question.
No, women do not all care this much about money and status.
But… there is a small, vocal group who do. And unfortunately, they’re often the ones who make the most noise on dating apps, so it can feel like that’s all that’s out there.
Then you’ve got the whole manosphere circus in the background telling men that women only want the ‘top 10 per cent’ and that they have to be tall, rich and whatever else they’ve decided this week.
Pfft.
One look at the men I’ve dated would blow that theory out of the water. Same goes for most of my friends.
What women actually respond to is how you make them feel. Stability, kindness, someone who has purpose. You’ve got all of that.
You just happened to sit across from someone who values the wrong things.
So don’t let one bad date turn into a full-blown identity crisis.
Keep going. There are plenty of women out there who would see your job and think, ‘finally, a decent man’.
