The Napkin Controlling Colorado Nanny-Staters Have to Be Rocky Mountain High as Kites – HotAir
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Correct me if I’m wrong, but I was under the impression that there were a few things Colorado legislators could be busy with making life inestimably better for the residents of their beautiful and bountiful state. I mean, it’s not all moonlight, roses, bison, and Tren De Aragua managing apartment complexes.

The Democrats hold comfortable majorities in both houses of the state’s legislature, with a risible Democrat squish named Jared ‘Feliz Navidad‘ Polis still occupying the governor’s chair.

…Jared Polis posted video of himself dancing and singing to Feliz Navidad The painful rendition on Christmas Eve did him no favors Another 341 asylum-seekers arrived from the US border in Colorado during the latest convoy, with 3,822 in shelters

Well. That was well over two years ago, and the Democrats running that state haven’t gotten any more serious about any of the issues that one would think might earn them plaudits from voters.

The Colorado legislature has its own integrity issues. I guess they’re only human, right?

Bound to be a bad apple occasionally.

Colorado schools have seen a mass exodus of children since 2022, with a huge dip last year. Some, but not most of it can be blamed on recent immigration enforcement or falling birth rates, sure. But while public school enrollment has fallen consistently, homeschooling has risen steadily.

Leads one to believe there might just be a problem there in the public schools, no?

While Colorado’s public-school analysts often blame dwindling enrollment on falling birth rates, higher immigration enforcement and a shrinking population, they may need to consider another factor – homeschooling, argues a recent commentary.

“In stark contrast to the consistent year-over-year dip on district rolls across Colorado since 2022, the number of homeschool families in our state has actually been on the rise in that same time period,” writes Christian Horstmann in a piece published by the Rocky Mountain Voice.

Horstmann, a homeschool graduate working for Christian Home Educators of Colorado (CHEC), noted the state’s education department had reported a 5.5% increase in full-time homeschoolers for the 2025-2026 school year – while districts showed an overall 1.2% decline “this year alone.”

“Could it be that the desperate drop in public school students is being exacerbated by the simple fact that more parents are waking up and taking personal interest and direct responsibility for their children’s education?” he asks.

There is a continuing problem with their sanctuary policies that go hand in glove with their progressive criminal reforms.

As it stands now, accused child rapists in Colorado get bail. If they’re illegal, they get bail and bail out of the country.

And when the legislature has a chance to do anything to tighten up the statute, well, they don’t.

They seem confused about what side they’re supposed to be on.

The state has a looming and large budget shortfall to fret over, besides its myriad other problems like crumbling infrastructure, unaffordable housing, and other blue state ills.

Colorado’s state budget shortfall grows to more than $1.5 billion, forcing legislature to make much deeper cuts

The legislature’s Joint Budget Committee has already been slashing spending for weeks as it works to draft the state’s 2026-27 fiscal year budget. That includes cuts to Medicaid, which is the primary driver of the state’s budget shortfall.

It is amazing what a progressive legislature in a state with these sorts of issues does have time for, though.

Introduced on March 24th, this one is really something. I give you:

THE NAPKIN BAN

The name truly does not describe everything this nanny-state-proposed piece of abominable legislation will cover, but since napkins are specifically mentioned in the bill, it’s kind of stuck.

The penalties are a $1000 fine for unsolicited napkins, hot sauce packets, etc., with your fast food order, be it at the counter or delivered to your home, assessed per item.

EACH NAPKIN, CARDBOARD SLEEVE ON YOUR BLAZING HOT STARBUCKS COFFEE CUP, OR HOT SAUCE PACKET YOU DIDN’T ASK FOR

Oh, and Taco Bell is also banned from giving you hot sauce packets if you didn’t ask or confirm you wanted them. But pho restaurants will get no penalty for giving you hoisin sauce packets. 

Arby’s sauce is also ok, but your local coffee shop’s creamer or sweetener will be subject to the fine. The bill sponsors chose to make a list of which condiments can’t be given out without being requested, and they clearly don’t frequent certain types of restaurants. 

Oh yes, they’re also banning cup sleeves on hot coffee unless you ask. So feel free to burn your hands in the name of saving the planet. And no straws with your Coke or Frappuccino either – unless you remember to ask. 

If Door Dash doesn’t *clearly* communicate what utensils and sauces you want to the restaurant, and the restaurant packs a single unwanted napkin for you, Door Dash AND the restaurant can be fined up to $1,000.

Socialist rule at its finest. #copolitics

It sounds entirely too picayune, too goofy to be true, doesn’t it?

It’s true. Thoughtfully designed to reduce customer frustration because of ‘unwanted disposables.’ I must have missed the reports of angry consumers storming Chick-fil-A whilst waving extra sauce packets in flailing fists of fury.

This bill, effective January 1, 2027, expands the existing “Plastic Pollution Reduction Act” by requiring retail food establishments and third-party food delivery services to only provide single-use food serviceware, which includes items like utensils, napkins, condiment packets, straws, and lids intended for one-time use, if the customer specifically requests it or confirms they want it after being offered. This aims to reduce customer frustration with receiving unwanted disposable items and to lessen contamination in recycling and composting streams, as many single-use plastics are not recyclable or compostable. The bill defines “single-use food serviceware” and “single-use condiment” and clarifies that packaging necessary to contain food for delivery orders is exempt. It also includes exceptions for self-service stations at special events, meals provided through social service programs, establishments within public airports, hotel guests, and spill-prevention items for drive-through or carryout orders. The Department of Public Health and Environment (department) is tasked with creating a webpage by January 1, 2027, detailing these new requirements and the existing enforcement mechanisms.

On its face, the entire exercise is bizarre until you look at who wrote it and what it actually will be meant to do. There are no legions of pissed-off drive-through consumers, snorting about receiving five napkins for their Big Mac instead of two.

It’s a control issue and remaking the world the way progressives want you to live in it.

This is just a touch of the depths to which progressives are willing to go to dictate your every move, under the guise of ‘saving plastic pollution/cutting waste’ and pretending to care about restaurant costs upfront with disengenuous ‘Oh, look at the money we saved them by not handing napkins out people didn’t want!’

…The legislative findings (and the similar “Skip the Stuff” ordinances already in Denver and a few other cities) argue that millions of unrequested napkins, straws, and condiment packets end up straight in the trash or contaminate recycling/compost streams. Even paper versions:

  • Require trees, water, and energy to produce.
  • Contribute to landfill volume.
  • Are often thrown away after one (or zero) uses.

The goal is to cut total single-use waste volume, not just plastic. Proponents cite Denver’s local opt-in policy (in place since 2022) as proof it reduces waste and saves restaurants 2–3 % on supplies per order with little customer backlash. 

The bill is being subjected to a fair amount of online derision at the moment, and I would hope it only increases as word of it spreads.

Then again, being mocked unmercifully for their ludicrosity and virtue-signaling authoritarian impulses only causes progressives to sink further into hurt umbrage and snarling determination to see a plan through.

As someone asked while I was digging through all this insanity, ‘What’s next? Disposable razors? Toilet paper?’

We all remember that famous Sheryl Crow ‘one sheet allowance’ floated a while back, so don’t think toilet paper isn’t already on the restriction radar.

Especially when they already hate Trump and the unrestrained abundance he unleashes drives them mad.

  • Less swapping, more going: With 1,700 sheets, the biggest Charmin roll ever is built to last up to one month before needing to change rolls2 – that’s 32x more sheets per roll3 – which means less swapping and more time enjoying the go.
  • Monumental size: When fully unrolled, the Forever Roll even reaches the height of the Washington Monument. That’s a lot of wipes.

You know damn well THAT ROLL’S a goner when the next Democrat gets in.

Might want to start hoarding napkins now.

Just make sure you ask for them first. 

Wouldn’t want to get anyone in trouble.

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