Dear Jana,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years and we live together. Lately, he’s become convinced that I’m cheating with a colleague from work – a married man with a baby, no less.
This colleague has occasionally sent me totally innocent messages on our work platform, like asking what my plans were over the holidays, which my partner thought were ‘sly’.
He demanded to see my phone, scrolled through our messages, sulked for a week, and now snoops on my computer. After finding a brief work call in my history, he called me a liar because I’d deleted old work chats to avoid yet more drama.
He hasn’t spoken to me in days and accuses me of being unfaithful no matter how much I reassure him. How do I convince my partner that I’m not cheating and that constant accusations are tearing us apart?
Wrongly Accused
Dear Wrongly Accused,
I’ll be blunt: this man has cheated on you before.
DailyMail+ columnist Jana Hocking (pictured) offers advice to a woman whose boyfriend is convinced that she is cheating with her married colleague
And I’ll tell you why I’ve come to that conclusion: because his paranoia isn’t about you – it’s about him. The ones who shout ‘cheater’ the loudest are nearly always guilty.
It’s a case of projection. He knows how easy it is to stray, so assumes you’re up to the same tricks.
You’ve also walked into a trap by handing over your phone, deleting innocent chats to ‘keep the peace’, and tolerating his sulks. You’re teaching him that suspicion gets rewarded.
Trust me, that sets a dangerous precedent.
Today, it’s deleting a harmless work chat. Tomorrow, it’s justifying why you took too long at the supermarket.
Don’t give his gaslighting any oxygen. Snooping through your computer and giving you the silent treatment may seem semi-normal in the context of your relationship, but they’re actually the first red flags of coercive control.
Plus, reassurance only works up to a point. You’ve already explained, reassured, and handed over your digital life to this man – what more does he need?
This is why I’m convinced this isn’t about your behaviour – it’s about his insecurities.
Jana warns that the ‘silent treatment’ can be an early sign of coercive control (stock image)
If he wants this relationship to survive, he needs to take a long, hard look at why he’s so convinced of your infidelity and do something about it.
Therapy would be a good start, or at the very least some brutal self-reflection.
Because he’ll send you mad otherwise. I’ve seen it before – girlfriends second-guessing harmless interactions they’ve had with other men. It’s scary stuff!
The truth is, a relationship without trust is a relationship on life support. If he refuses to change, you’ll suffocate.
If I were in your shoes, I’d have dumped him already – but if you’re not ready to walk away just yet, my advice would be to set some firm boundaries. Tell him you won’t be treated like a criminal for simply existing.
If he can’t offer you the basic respect of trust, you need to ask yourself if this is really the man you want to be with.
Believe me, it’s not your colleague who’s threatening your relationship. It’s him.
Dear Jana,
I’m almost embarrassed to say this – but my husband loves recreational drugs. I’m talking cocaine, speed, ecstasy – but mostly coke (he works in finance, obviously).
He insists it’s just a ‘social thing’ he does on weekends and that he’s not addicted.
While I believe him – and he’s never gone on a bender on a school night or been impaired at work or around our children – I have noticed the toll it’s taking on him.
In the span of a few short years, his weekend partying has turned his skin grey, given him premature wrinkles and made his face and body literally sag.
He is ageing at lightning speed and – honestly – starting to look ugly.
I don’t care that he’s having fun without me – he can do what he wants with his co-workers. I care that he’s going to look 50 when he’s only 35.
How do I have this conversation without crushing him, or worse, making him double down?
Married to a Party Boy.
A woman in her 30s is distressed by her husband’s weekend drug-taking, which is ageing him prematurely (stock image posed by models)
Dear Married to a Party Boy,
Girl, you’re saying out loud what everyone thinks but doesn’t want to admit.
Drugs don’t just mess with someone’s health – they strip them of their glow.
We’ve all seen those guys at the end of a big night whose skin has turned grey and whose eyes have sunk into their sweaty heads – the spark that made them attractive seven hours earlier having simply vanished.
Don’t even get me started on their bad breath. It’s gross, and certainly not talked about enough.
I’ve watched it play out as I’ve moved through my forties. The men who never left the party scene look exhausted and tragic. What was once rebellious is now just sad. And yes, of course it kills attraction.
You don’t need to say to your husband, ‘Hey, cokehead – you’re ugly now.’
Instead, tell him this: ‘I love you, but this lifestyle is clearly wearing you down. You used to look so alive, now you look like you’re struggling and tired every day – all because you go too hard, too often on weekends.’
Bring this up at the right moment – perhaps when he is feeling particularly gloomy on a Sunday after a few big nights – he might be ready to listen and actually reflect on it.
If he cares about you, he’ll listen. If he shrugs it off, then he’s made his priorities clear and it’s up to you to decide if you can live with that.
Jana says it’s important to choose your words carefully when confronting a spouse whose drug use is problematic but hasn’t yet spiralled into addiction (stock image posed by models)
I’ve learned that people only make changes when they’re ready to make them – annoying but true. Perhaps for him, things need to get worse before they can get better. I hope, for your sake, that that’s not true.
But at some point you’ve got to ask yourself if you want to hitch your wagon to a man who’s fast-forwarding to middle age when he should be in his prime. You really don’t owe your best years to someone who’s determined to waste his.
So keep an eye on his actions after you bring it up with him and then act accordingly. I’ve seen too many friends over the years waste time on men that never change – don’t let that be you.
Dear Jana,
I’m dating a wonderful man who still shares custody of his dog with his ex.
That’s fine – but she uses the dog as an excuse to constantly message him, pop around, and even tag him in ‘throwback’ photos on Instagram.
He swears he’s over her, but I can’t help feeling like there are four people in this relationship – me, him, the ex, and their bloody Labrador.
How do I bring this up without sounding like the jealous new girlfriend?
Dogged by His Ex
Dear Dogged by His Ex,
He may very well be over her, but she’s clearly not over him.
Why on Earth is she still tagging him in ‘throwback’ photos? Surely she has pictures of herself with the dog. It feels deliberately shady to me – and a little sad.
That said, this isn’t really his fault. If he isn’t encouraging it, then it’s her behaviour that’s the problem. The real question is whether he’s putting firm boundaries in place.
If he’s polite but distant and makes it clear she can’t just keep popping round, then you’re dealing with a man who’s choosing you. If not, then it sounds like it’s time for him to grow a pair.
You’re not being irrational for feeling like the Labrador is extending their relationship.
The key is in how you raise it. Instead of saying ‘I don’t want you seeing her’ (which would make you sound controlling and slightly crazy), try framing it around your feelings.
Instead, say something like, ‘I love how much you care for your dog, but when she uses him to stay connected to you, it makes me uncomfortable. Can you help me feel more secure about this?’ It’s honest without being accusatory.
If he’s invested in you, he’ll find a way to keep his bond with the dog while leaving his ex in the past where she belongs.
You deserve to feel like his priority and a gentle reminder doesn’t hurt.
