Dear Jana,
I’ve been seeing a guy for about six months. We talk every day, spend most weekends together, and he’s met a lot of my friends. But when I asked if we’re ‘official’, he told me he’s ‘not emotionally available right now’.
Apparently, he’s ‘healing’ from a break-up (that happened a year ago, mind you) and says he’s not ready for labels, but still texts me every night, sleeps with me regularly, and calls me ‘babe’.
My friends say he’s stringing me along, but I feel like we have something special. He even said I’m the ‘only one he’s seeing’. So… if he’s unavailable, why does it feel like we’re in a relationship?
Am I being naïve, or is this just what modern romance looks like now?
Almost Girlfriend Material.
Dear Almost Girlfriend Material,
One word for you: run. Yes, you’re being naïve. Yes, you’re being strung along. This man is not only having his cake and eating it, but also asking you to bake him another. And he’ll keep doing it until you finally put a stop to it.
DailyMail+ columnist Jana Hocking gives advice to a woman dating a man who won’t commit
So put the damn baking tray away (aka, your vagina).
What you are doing is giving him ‘girlfriend privileges’ without the title. That ends today.
Trust me, as a reformed ‘I can fix him’ girly, I can tell you this for sure: you can’t.
This guy doesn’t need your nurturing; he needs a big glass of ‘harden the hell up’ – and maybe therapy.
If he really wanted to heal, he would have done it by now. It sounds like he’s still got his sooky pants on – with no intentions of taking them off.
Oh, how we loathe someone who relishes constantly being the victim. Honestly, he should give you the ick, not have you pining for him.
I’m afraid, my friend, you’re acting as his emotional hot water bottle, keeping him cosy while he wallows in years-old break-up woes.
Seriously, it’s like you’ve signed up to be the ‘unpaid intern girlfriend’ with no formal job title, no benefits – but all of the workload.
Why do we constantly settle for this?
A woman who made a shocking discovery in her husband’s gym bag also asks Jana for advice (stock image posed by model)
Here’s the brutal truth: emotionally unavailable men love women like you who are kind and hopeful.
As psychologist Dr. Amir Levine (author of Attached) says, ‘When someone is unavailable, they create a powerful cycle of hope and disappointment that keeps you hooked.’ It’s the emotional equivalent of gambling – trust me, I know how addictive it can be.
Texting, cuddling and calling you ‘babe’ are not signs of commitment – they’re breadcrumbs designed to keep you around.
So it’s time to flip the script. Stop replying instantly. Stop being available for someone who isn’t available for you. You don’t need to go cold turkey, but you do need to start showing him that you’re no longer the consolation prize.
Dear Jana,
Last weekend, I was unpacking my husband’s gym bag when I found a packet of Viagra.
We’ve recently reignited our sex life after I had our first child, and to be honest, the sex has been great lately.
When I confronted him, he swore it wasn’t because of me. Apparently ‘everyone at the gym’ uses it for ‘performance enhancement’.
But I’m worried he’s not as attracted to me as he was before I had his child.
He’s 38. Fit, healthy and – to my knowledge – has never had erection problems.
I’m so confused. Is this some new male trend I’ve missed? Or am I dating someone who secretly can’t get it up without help?
Viagra WAG.
Dear Viagra WAG,
I’ll be honest: the first thing that came to mind when you said he was using Viagra to ‘enhance performance’ in the gym was… ‘bulls**t’.
I mean, points for creativity – that’s certainly one I hadn’t heard before.
Then I did some sleuthing around the stranger corners of the internet – bodybuilding forums, weird subreddits and the like – and it turns out that, yes, a lot of men are popping those little blue diamonds at the gym.
Apparently, there’s a growing trend of men taking Viagra or Cialis before a workout – they think it boosts blood flow and gives them a better ‘pump’.
It’s become a locker-room myth – the supposed secret weapon of ‘serious’ gym bros.
(Now, I’ve got this hilarious vision in my head of gym bros working out with giant accidental boners. Anyway…)
But here’s the spoiler alert for your husband: science says he’s wasting his time.
Studies show no real performance benefit for healthy men under normal conditions. The only thing it reliably raises is their heart rate and, er, their penises.
In fact, combining Viagra with pre-workout or booze can be dangerous, since they all mess with blood pressure. So yes, he might be telling the truth, but he’s fallen for one of the fitness world’s more ridiculous fads.
Basically, it’s all in his head. The one upstairs, not downstairs.
So please don’t take it personally. This isn’t about you or your body. It’s about his insecurity – we often forget men are vulnerable to it too – and a bit of gym-bro bravado.
Maybe show him a few horror stories about the side effects of taking Viagra when you don’t actually need it. That should put an end to his ‘performance experiment’.
Dear Jana,
My best friend’s husband has started flirting with me and it’s getting weird. It started off as little comments: ‘You look gorgeous today’ or ‘Your boyfriend must be punching.’ But lately, it’s escalated.
At a recent dinner party, he waited until she went to the bathroom to tell me he ‘used to have a crush’ on me before they met. Then he sent me a winking emoji at 1am – when she was asleep in bed next to him.
She’s always joked that he’s ‘a bit of a flirt’ and tells me not to take him seriously, but the vibe has definitely shifted. I don’t want to cause drama, but I also feel uncomfortable every time I see him.
Do I tell her what’s going on and risk blowing up their marriage, or should I pretend I didn’t notice to keep the peace?
Fed Up with the Flirt.
Dear Fed Up with the Flirt,
I’m going to hazard a solid guess that this couple has a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy.
You said your friend laughs and calls him ‘a bit of a flirt’, which is translation for: she knows what he’s like and has chosen to ignore it – until it happens too close to home.
Do I think he’s trying to crack on to you? Absolutely, 100 per cent. Do I think you should tell her? Absolutely not.
Here’s the thing: if you bring it up, you don’t just risk their marriage – you risk your friendship. She already knows he’s a flirt. She just doesn’t want it confirmed.
Right now, she can keep pretending it’s harmless. But once you say it out loud, she’ll have to choose a side, and spoiler: it won’t be yours.
Instead, tell him to bugger off. Stop being alone with him, ignore his late-night emojis, and keep things strictly polite. If he pushes the line again, look him right in the eyes and say, ‘Mate, that’s inappropriate, and you know it.’
It will work wonders. Embarrassment is a powerful teacher.
Relationship Guru Esther Perel once said: ‘When people flirt outside their relationships, they’re often searching for parts of themselves they’ve lost.’
Let him go rediscover himself somewhere else – preferably far away from your DMs.
So no, don’t tell her. And don’t text him back just to feed his ego either. Just be the friend who quietly keeps her dignity while he loses his in that special way only sleazy blokes know how.
He’ll get caught eventually. Trust me, they always do.
