Dating a narcissist is exactly like being lured into a cult, a licensed therapist and self-proclaimed narcissism expert has declared.
In fact, she refers to it as a ‘cult of one’ – because the two share so many similarities.
In her book Narcissistic Abuse, Vanessa M Reiser says: ‘The strategies that narcissists instinctively use to get their way in personal relationships can be strikingly similar to the coercive tactics used by destructive cult leaders to indoctrinate and control their followers.’
She continues: ‘In a relationship with a narcissist or in a cult, outsiders are viewed as dangerous or as potential enemies. This turns your red-flag radar outward, distracting you from problems within the narcissistically abusive relationship or cult until it is too late.
‘From there, cult leaders inject shame, guilt, coercion, and fear to keep their members (victims) in line.’
Reiser writes: ‘Victims are taught to discount their own intuition and healthy instincts in favor of the narcissist’s value system’
Reiser, herself a survivor of narcissistic abuse, was caught up in a messy RHONJ storyline this year, after attempting to file a restraining order against her former fiancé, Luis Ruelas.
Ruelas’s wife Teresa Giudice discussed the scandal in an episode of the show that aired in July.
Reiser, 51, dated Ruelas from 2018 to 2020, and in a legal action, filed after they broke up, she accused him of ‘punishing’ her if his sexual demands weren’t met.
‘He demanded that I be available for sex whenever he wanted,’ she said in the court papers. ‘If I objected to his demands, Luis Ruelas would punish me. He would be nasty, withdraw from me, and blame me for what happened.’
In her book, she writes: ‘Victims are taught to discount their own intuition and healthy instincts in favor of the narcissist’s value system.
‘Having doubts about the cult of one is considered a betrayal and could be met with punishment.’
That could mean they are on the receiving end of passive aggression or the silent treatment, she says, or even more physically violent tactics, to keep them in line.
Reiser was caught up in a messy RHONJ storyline this year, over her former fiance Luis Ruelas and his now wife Teresa Giudice (both pictured)
Reiser accused her former fiance Luis Ruelas of ‘punishing’ her if his sexual demands weren’t met
Cult leaders – and narcissistic individuals – inject shame, guilt, coercion, and fear to keep their members (victims) in line
‘Both in a cult and in an individual relationship with a narcissist, lies are repeated so often that they seem true. I’ve seen people who are unable to discern fact from fiction when they leave cults or these relationships, because they were gaslit and brainwashed into believing things that were disconnected from reality.
‘Sound familiar?’ she asks. ‘If you are or were in a relationship with a narcissist, I’m betting it does.’
She even compares some toxic relationship patterns to the NXIVM cult – in which leader Keith Raniere had followers brand themselves with his initials.
‘Many of my clients were coerced into getting tattoos as well, a different kind of branding and a way that the cult leader or narcissist can gauge a victim’s devotion,’ she writes.
As in many cults, a narcissistic partner may woo you by pretending to be ‘attentive, compassionate, empathic, flexible, self-effacing, and helpful… at home, though… they are tyrannical, demanding, opinionated, aggressive, and exploitative.
‘After a narcissist has stalked, recruited, or lured their supply, they generally move on to love-bombing,’ she adds, ‘which looks like capture-bonding in the cult cycle of abuse.’
When a cult member is capture-bonded, they often give away all their possessions, and change the way they talk and the clothes they wear to match a cult ‘uniform’.
The author compares toxic relationship traits with those of NXIVM cult leader Keith Raniere
The cult leader had followers ‘brand’ themselves with his initials to prove their devotion
This was the experience One Tree Hill star Bethany Joy Lenz recounted in her recently released book Dinner For Vampires. She claimed she signed over her earnings and control of her career to Wild Branch Ministries, which she later identified as a cult – a claim the family deny.
Similarly, ‘in an abusive relationship, you may have noticed changes in your mannerisms, attire, and overall presentation,’ writes Reiser.
A cult leader also has a tendency to monitor and censor information from the outside, ensuring their members only see and hear what they want them to.
‘We see this often with narcissists and social media,’ says Reiser.
‘They may take over their victims’ email addresses or Instagram accounts to keep them from receiving any information that they feel would expose the truth about them.
‘In the scenario where the narcissist or cult leader is in the public eye, they may use nondisclosure agreements (NDAs) to keep their victims from sharing their stories of abuse.’
Once the victim is fully dependent on their narcissistic partner, they move on to micromanage even the smallest area of their life.
‘They may control everything down to a follower’s bathing habits.
‘Some of the cult leader’s rules and preferences will be around basic, intimate needs like eating and sleeping; they will use sleep deprivation and caloric reduction/promotion to manipulate their victims.
‘Many who have had the fortunate experience of getting out of a cult or a narcissistically abusive relationship report their abuser waking them when they were sleeping or insisting upon certain dietary practices.’
Reiser, who in 2021 ran 285 miles wearing a wedding dress to raise awareness of narcissistic abuse, says narcissists and cult leaders use many of the same tactics to get their way.
Bethany Joy Lenz claims she handed over control of her career and her finances to ‘a cult’
Vanessa M Reiser ran 285 miles wearing a wedding dress to raise awareness of narcissistic abuse
Leah Remini ‘regularly receives threats from lawyers and on social media’ since speaking out against Scientology
‘They all love-bomb, future-fake, lie, gaslight, project, withhold, triangulate, isolate, intimidate, and manipulate so they can confuse and control you into meeting their needs.’
However, by daring to leave the narcissist, you may suffer what Reiser terms ‘post-separation abuse’.
‘Many of my clients share that, after they left, their abuser threatened to “destroy” them. Narcissists will often work toward fulfilling that promise for decades,’ she writes.
‘We saw this with actress Leah Remini after she removed herself from the Church of Scientology in 2003… Remini regularly receives threats from lawyers and on social media.’
Her documentary co-host Mike Rinder, himself a former high-ranking member of Scientology’s Sea Org, no longer has any contact with his two older children, who stayed behind in the church.
‘After you leave a relationship with a narcissist, you will meet the exact same fate; the attempt to destroy your entire life.’
But when you can see the similarities, and understand the tactics are being used as a means of domestic violence, ‘you can begin to see the trauma that you may have endured and move toward protecting yourself and healing.
‘It is in this understanding that you can become free.’
Narcissistic Abuse: A Therapist’s Guide to Identifying, Escaping, and Healing from Toxic and Manipulative People by Vanessa M Reiser is published by Hachette Go
