Q I have discovered that my sister’s husband dresses in women’s clothing and I’m not sure whether to tell her or keep quiet about it.
One day when I called to see her, I went upstairs to the bathroom and happened to glance through the open bedroom door. To my shock I saw my brother-in-law standing in front of a full-length mirror dressed in suspenders, stockings and panties – and putting on a bra. He smiled at himself then walked over to my sister’s dressing table and started applying make-up. When he had finished, he put on a white shirt and short black skirt and then lay on the bed. I was speechless.
On my way back from the bathroom, unbelievably, he was starting to go downstairs, still dressed in women’s clothing. I heard my sister moving about below so I hurriedly made my excuses and left. What do I do now?
A Your letter does have some of the hallmarks of a possible hoax. With such careful attention to the details of your brother-in-law’s dressing, it feels almost designed to shock or titillate.
However, I will take it as genuine, as you do sound anxious – and, if that worry is real, I wouldn’t want to leave you feeling unsettled. You ask what to do next. In truth, there are several possibilities.
The first, and perhaps easiest, is to do nothing at all. I am certain that your sister already knows. If her husband truly wanted to keep this hidden, he would not have chosen to dress this way while she was at home. It’s also likely that both he and your sister now realise that you have seen him. It’s hard to imagine that you could have observed him for so long without his being aware of it.
However, rather than doing nothing, there are perhaps better courses of actions. First and foremost, try not to judge. For some men, the wish to dress in women’s clothes is a deep-seated need, it’s sometimes a way to express another side of themselves and it deserves acceptance.
If you feel able, you could speak to your sister in a spirit of care and support. She may be comfortable with it or she may find it very difficult while accepting it out of love for her husband. You might open the conversation by saying: ‘You probably know that I happened to see your husband dressed in women’s clothes. I just wanted to say that I’m happy to talk about it if you or he ever want to, but it’s also fine if you’d rather not.’ Then, let her take the lead.
If your relationship with your brother-in-law is warm, you might also talk to him in the same spirit – genuinely interested and accepting. Remember he is still the same person – he simply expresses himself differently at times. Above all, this is about kindness, empathy and letting people live their private life in a way that suits them.
SHOULD I TELL HER I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?
Q I am going through some major stress in my life at the moment (mostly concerning one of my adult sons) and it is hard to discuss with anyone but my closest friends. However, there is one friend who often texts to ask how I am and would like to meet up. She knows I have had some problems but she doesn’t know the extent of it.
While I like her well enough, she is just not the kind of person I would ever confide in – she has never had any real problems with her kids. I also don’t want to talk at the moment. It is too depressing. She texts about once a fortnight and I don’t know how to reply any more.
A It sounds as if what you are going through is very painful. I am so sorry. I can understand why you feel unable to talk to her at the moment. There are some people who we can confide in about the big stuff and others who are friends at a less intimate level. Unless she is just being nosy, she sounds nice and perhaps perceptive so suspects that something is wrong and is trying to help.
I think the best thing is to reply honestly and kindly – explain that you are sorry you don’t answer all her texts and you appreciate that she cares but you are having some difficulties and don’t feel like talking at the moment. Tell her that you would like to be in touch with her more when things are easier, but you want her to understand that you remain very fond of her.
I do think that you should talk to someone though – perhaps your GP as well as your friends because it does sound as if you could be depressed. The charity familylives.org.uk could also offer advice.
