Q My daughter-in-law has exercised coercive control over my son throughout their 26-year relationship, through violent tantrums and cruel behaviour. They have two sons, aged 26 and 23. On two occasions my son has had to call the police, resulting in her arrest, but he has never pressed charges. She also spread malicious lies about our family, which led to a seven-year estrangement during which I and my other son were blocked from all contact.
Although she filed for divorce a year ago, she refuses to leave their house in which their elder son, who backs her up, also lives. Despite the divorce, she still controls my son’s life. She has never had a job, while he works full-time, pays the bills and does all the cooking, cleaning and shopping.
He reconnected with me five years ago, but our relationship is fragile and I’m afraid of jeopardising it. I’m deeply distressed to see him be used so callously. When I try to raise concerns however, he shuts down. I am not allowed to contact him directly; I must wait for brief calls when he’s out of the house, away from her.
I feel helpless. How can I help him escape this situation?
A What you describe is deeply distressing. It’s important to say this clearly: men can also be victims of domestic abuse, but sadly are often too ashamed to report it. Abuse does not have to be physical to be devastating. Your letter describes several hallmarks of coercive control: intimidation, emotional cruelty, isolation from family, manipulation of children and control over money, communication and daily life.
It must be very upsetting for your son that his own son backs his abusive mother. Children of the dominant parent may side with them because it reduces conflict, they have been indoctrinated into believing the controlling figure or they fear becoming a target themselves.
Sadly it is very hard to get someone out of a situation like this. As you know, if you push too hard, challenge his choices directly or criticise his ex-wife, you risk triggering the fear and shutdown you’re already seeing. Survivors of long- term abuse often cope by minimising what’s happening or emotionally closing down.
You are doing everything you can. Stay connected, calm and nonjudgmental. Let him know you’re there and ask open questions rather than giving advice: ‘How are you coping?’ or ‘What would make things feel safer or easier?’ The Men’s Advice Line (0808 801 0327) and respect.org.uk have information on coercive control and post-separation abuse, and can help you in supporting your son.
I LOST MY CHILD AND MY MARRIAGE
Q My husband and I separated two years ago because of fundamental differences. We already had three children – aged 15, 13 and eight – when I discovered I was pregnant again at 47. My husband was adamant he did not want another child, that we couldn’t afford it, and he urged me to have an abortion. I couldn’t. The stress led to constant arguments, and I miscarried at 13 weeks.
In retrospect it was perhaps for the best, but the loss still feels so painful. What hurt most was that my husband showed no sympathy, only relief. Now he has a new, younger partner and – guess what? – she is pregnant. How do I begin to cope with this?
A I’m so sorry. This news must feel like a real slap in the face when your husband was adamant he didn’t want another child. You are carrying more than one loss: the baby you wanted and the marriage that collapsed under the strain of that grief.
I can understand why your husband might have been panicking at the thought of a fourth child, but not empathising with you emotionally when you were at your most vulnerable was unkind. Baby loss takes time to accept. Miscarriage can be devastating even if, in your situation, it might have been a struggle to begin the baby stage again. The loss will soften in time, but meanwhile it is important to let yourself grieve and to talk to others who understand. Please contact miscarriage association.org.uk for support.
