Q Four and a half years ago our middle daughter cut all ties with us, her siblings and even their young children. She says that we never supported her. We could not attend her wedding as we were isolating with Covid. She has a two-year-old daughter who we have never met. Her husband never liked us and has often been openly rude, though we tried hard with him.
Since then, I have reached out several times – when my husband and I were very ill, and when her grandfather died. She did not reply. My daughter later posted on Instagram that we called her ‘fat’ throughout her childhood. That is not true, and it broke my heart.
She keeps in touch with my stepson, which feels like a way of keeping tabs on us. He is now getting married and she has said that if we attend, she will not. My husband has decided we should stay away so his son does not have to choose. I have also heard they may move abroad for work. I feel as though I may never see her again. I’m completely lost.
A When a child cuts contact there is no closure, only an ongoing absence that resurfaces at every milestone. It is natural to feel hurt, angry and rejected, especially when accusations are made that you do not recognise.
Estrangement is rarely about one incident; it is usually rooted in a story that has built up over time in the adult child’s mind. When she says she felt unsupported or criticised, she is describing her feelings, even if it differs sharply from your memory. Arguing against her version of events would probably entrench her position.
Consider writing to her. Not a defence or rebuttal, but something that centres on love and understanding of her feelings without accepting any untruths. You could say, ‘We understand that we may remember the past differently. We are deeply sorry you feel hurt or unsupported; that was never our intention. We love you, think of you all the time, and will always be here whenever you are ready.’ Repeat that you love her in occasional brief texts.
You are being considerate in offering to step back from your stepson’s wedding but check this is what he wants. It might be helpful to ask him whether he has any insight into your daughter’s feelings.
Most importantly, please get help for yourselves. Rejectedparents.net is a supportive space where you will feel less alone in this distress. You might also find Rules Of Estrangement by Joshua Coleman a helpful read. Given your son-in-law’s attitude, I suggest also asking womensaid.org.uk for advice regarding coercive control.
HIS OLD FRIEND MISREAD A DRUNKEN KISS
Q My husband has admitted that he ‘over enthusiastically’ kissed goodbye an old friend after too many drinks at a school reunion. I’m not fussed – a drunken kiss is nothing in a 20-year marriage and he’s really not that sort of man.
The problem is she won’t let it go. He showed me her emails saying she knew he felt something, that she’d always loved him and that he’d be happier with her than with me and they should be together. He hasn’t been flirty in his replies and said he was just being drunkenly affectionate. She threatened to tell me if he didn’t agree to meet.
How do we handle this? Should I confront her?
A I agree that a drunken kiss is not a serious worry if it’s an isolated incident. The fact that he’s shown you his replies rather than agreeing to meet her also shows you have little to fear. Unfortunately, she’s clearly infatuated and won’t accept that it isn’t mutual.
Confronting her yourself could escalate things. I suspect your husband’s replies, though not flirty, may not have been quite firm enough – out of embarrassment and a wish not to upset her.
His best move is to say he’s already told you what happened, that it was just a drunken moment and ask her politely to stop. Hopefully this will make her realise she has no claim to his affections. If she doesn’t stop, then he should not reply – or even block her.
