Dear Jane,
My sister is 19 years old and she just finished her first year of college. I’m two years older and attend a different university.
The college she attends is known as a party school. The girls seem to care more about looking hot than getting good grades.
I know just by looking at my sister’s Instagram that she is trying hard to fit in by wearing skimpy outfits and tons of makeup.
I just got home for the summer and – to my absolute horror – it was immediately apparent that she has had a boob job since I last saw her.
My sister has never worked a day in her life. I demanded to know who paid for it and she told me my dad had footed the $10,000 bill.
I find the whole thing very disturbing. My sister is still so young! I don’t think my dad should be encouraging, never mind paying for, her plastic surgery.
It also infuriates me that my dad will drop thousands of dollars on something so shallow for her but only covers my rent and tuition leaving me to work a minimum wage job on top of studying to pay for anything he considers a ‘luxury’.
When I told my friends about it, one of them called my sister a ‘spoilt bimbo’. Frankly, I’m worried that’s what she’ll become.
I’ve tried explaining to her that, if she doesn’t change her ways, she’ll never know how to make her own money and will be stuck relying on other people for the rest of her life.
She responds that I’m just jealous because our dad doesn’t buy me gifts and I’m having a ‘boring’ college experience.
How can I get through to her? And how can I stop my father from encouraging these bad habits?
From,
Boob Brat
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Boob Brat,
It must be hard to see your dad drop this kind of money on your sister when he hasn’t spent nearly the same amount on you. And it’s probably even harder to watch him encourage her bad habits.
But just as you can’t control your sister and her choices, you can’t control your father and his. The only way that you can find peace here is if you adopt the mentality of, ‘let them’.
By that I mean step back and simply allow your dad and sister to face the consequences of their actions.
I learnt this lesson many years ago in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, where I heard that ‘we are powerless over people, places and things.’
When we accept that we can’t control others, we free ourselves from the pressure of taking care of them.
So, while you may well be right about your sister, she has her own path to follow, and nothing you say or do will sway her.
There will probably be some hard lessons along the way, but the only way she’s going to learn from them is if you allow her to walk it by herself.
By all means, give her advice. But trying to force her to behave a certain way is only going to exhaust you and fill you with resentment when she doesn’t listen.
You sound like an independent hard worker, which is likely to bring you many good things in the future. So instead of worrying about your sister, keep your head down, keep studying and keep your focus on your own life.
Dear Jane,
I have four kids. My oldest son, who’s 21, has been with his girlfriend for almost a year. This is the first time any of my children have had a serious partner, so I’m still getting used to it.
Every year, my whole extended family does a big photoshoot with my parents, siblings and all the cousins and spouses. It takes months to organize because family members come from all over the country.
This year’s photoshoot is in two weeks and my son has asked if his girlfriend can be in the pictures. My immediate instinct was to say no way, but I didn’t want to upset him, so I just said I’d think about it.
The thing is I really don’t want her to be in them. One of my sister’s kids included their boyfriend a couple of years ago and then they had a horrible breakup. Now that year’s photos are ruined by my niece’s ‘toxic’ ex-boyfriend.
On the other hand, my other niece’s fiancé has been included in the family photos since long before they were engaged.
I also don’t particularly like this girlfriend and very much doubt she and my son will be together for the long haul.
Should I just let her be in the pictures, knowing that when they inevitably break up, we’ll all have to live with the reminder of that failed relationship on our living room wall? Or should I put my foot down and say she can’t be there?
From,
Cropped out
Dear Cropped out,
I completely understand why you don’t want to include your son’s girlfriend. You don’t particularly like her and you don’t expect her to be in the – literal – picture for long.
However, I want you to think about the message that excluding her would send and the consequences you may face.
I recently had a birthday party. Days before, two friends asked if they could bring guests.
I know the guests, but they are not my friends, nor are they people I would choose to spend a birthday with.
I thought long and hard about whether or not to say yes, and in the end, I did.
If I didn’t include them, it would send a far stronger message than if I did.
Girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands and wives can all come and go – that’s just life.
I suspect that if you say no, your son may feel deeply upset. So perhaps say yes, and let his girlfriend join for a few pictures – but also take a good amount of shots without her.
I’m sure your son will be delighted. And who knows, maybe your inclusion of his girlfriend will improve your dynamic and you will end up liking her.
Besides, there’s always photoshop if the relationship goes south and you want to remove her!
