It’s the hot topic of conversation between women of a certain age everywhere you go – and it’s not perimenopause.
It’s ‘What the hell has got into my partner these days?’
‘He used to be fun now he’s short with the kids, has nothing good to say about anyone and distant with me.’
‘He’s arguing with me over everything. Stuff he never had an opinion about: like what colour to paint the loungeroom or what the kids do after school.’
‘He doesn’t even kiss me hello. Walks straight past me saying he’s got work to do. I won’t drive with him anymore; his road rage is off the charts.’
We’ve all heard the term ‘grumpy old men’ but for lots of women it feels more like their husband has had a personality transplant.
It’s tempting to moan to your girlfriends and write it off as ‘men being men’ but that won’t solve anything.
There are real reasons for the mood shift – and practical ways to deal with it that don’t involve shouting ultimatums – or divorce.
For lots of women, it feels more like their husbands have had personality transplants, transforming in to ‘grumpy old man’ but TRACEY COX reveals the practical ways to address it
He’s got ‘Irritable Male Syndrome’
Yep. That is a real term: there’s biology behind the bad mood. Just as our hormones affect our mood later in life, so do his.
Around 40, men’s testosterone levels begin a steady decline, dropping about 1-2 per cent each year. By the time he hits 60, around 20 per cent of men have levels below normal range.
When they drop too low, men experience ‘Irritable Male Syndrome’. The symptoms? Increased irritability, anger, impatience and often depression. Depression in men looks different than in women: less sadness, more anger, withdrawal and heavy drinking.
He’s not sleeping well
If your partner is tossing and turning, again, it’s biology at work. Because he’s secreting less testosterone at night than younger men, his hormonal rhythms are disrupted which affects sleep quality.
Nearly 35 per cent of men report sleep disorders mid-life – trouble falling asleep, waking up during the night and feeling tired the next day. The result? Shorter fuses, poorer emotional regulation – grumpy!
He’s feeling chronic stress
Work pressures, stress, unnoticed medical conditions can all add to tension in a long-lasting relationship but with some gentle questioning, the cause can be revealed
Work pressures, financial worries and family responsibilities compound over time – and middle age is when it’s at its worst.
Men between 30-49 report the highest levels of workplace stress – 67 per cent. A poor work-life balance is also common around this time.
He’s not just juggling career demands. Along with you, he’s (hopefully!) helping you support ageing parents while raising or launching your adult kids. This is the time when he’s also likely to be under financial pressure from multiple directions.
He has unmet expectations
It’s not just physical changes he’s confronting; your partner is aware of his mortality for the first time.
Hitting 40-50 is when people compare life to ‘the plan’. Has his life turned out as expected? Very few men can answer an enthusiastic, ‘Yes – even better actually!’
Stalled at work, dreams unfulfilled, a best friend who’s got a better house, better job, better life…all can result in him feeling cheated and unhappy about it.
He’s feeling underappreciated in the family
Many mid-life fathers report feeling stressed, unseen or under pressure as providers. This shows up as irritability and withdrawal.
He’s not getting enough sex
If you’re in a long-term relationship and have kids, most women view sex as yet another thing on the ‘to do’ list.
For lots of men, sex is a way of expressing love. It’s also one hell of a good stress release.
If they’re constantly being rejected when they initiate sex, this adds to them feeling old, unattractive, a failure and unwanted.
Men who cope well with ageing are those who have a great relationship with their wives who help guide them through and support them.
Here’s the paradox: when men need support the most, they guarantee you don’t give it by behaving badly.
If you feel criticised, distant, unappreciated and like you’re walking on eggshells, you’re not going to respond with a kiss, cuddle and ‘You Ok, darling?’
None of this excuses bad behaviour.
I’m not suggesting he’s justified in behaving like badly. More offering some insight into how it perhaps feels on his end.
A ‘GET YOUR NICE HUSBAND BACK’ ACTION PLAN
With your understanding and some tricks up your sleeve, here’s the useful part.
Accept certain truths
Here’s an uncomfortable one (for him): research suggests men don’t reach full emotional maturity until age 43. That’s eleven years later than women who typically mature by age 32.
Right when he’s finally developing the self-awareness he needs, life is throwing its hardest challenges at him. It’s like learning to swim while the waves are highest.
It’s also true that men reaching mid-life now find it harder to talk about feelings than women do. He’s from a generation who were brought up with ‘boys don’t cry’; later he’s told to ‘man up’. These habits stick.
When women struggle with emotions, they talk to their friends. Men do the opposite: clam up and bury the feeling until it leaks out as irritability.
Don’t take it personally
Grumpiness is usually about something – tiredness, stress, health issues, a bad work day – not a judgement on you. That doesn’t excuse him being rude, but it can help if you react with curiosity rather than getting angry yourself. ‘You’re not yourself today darling. Is everything OK?’
Having said that, you’re not his punching bag so…
Set boundaries kindly but firmly
Him battling some demons doesn’t mean you have to put up with constant bad behaviour. Say, ‘I can see you’re stressed but that doesn’t mean you can snap at me’. If it’s an ongoing issue, also choose your battles. Letting small things go means he’ll pay more attention when you react to important things.
Don’t moan about his snoring, take it seriously
If he snores, wakes up frequently during the night or feels tired even after seven or eight hours of sleep, he might need screening for sleep apnoea. Sleep studies can be done at home now – and worth doing.
Getting enough good, quality sleep improves everything: mood, energy levels and resilience to stress.
Address the obvious
Like significant weight gain. Heavy drinking or smoking. The fact he never exercises or gets any fresh air.
If he’s gone the opposite way and started running marathons or on an extreme health kick, watch his diet isn’t too restrictive. Add healthy carbs like vegetables, grains, beans and you might see his mood stabilise.
Suggest rather than criticise
‘I noticed you didn’t sleep again last night and I’m worried about you. Why don’t we talk about what we think could help together tonight?’ It’s going to get you a lot further than, ‘For God’s sake, you’re impossible to live with lately!’
Lead by example
Around the same time he’s becoming grumpy, you’re also dealing with the same issues he is – and more. Perimenopause and menopause bring their own fresh hell. If he sees you prioritise your own health, sleep and stress management, you’re leading by example.
Introduce simple rituals that really help. A 20-minute walk after dinner or on the weekends. Chatting about more than logistics and the kids. Spending time together doing nice things. Introducing affection, then slowly easing back into sex if it’s stopped. Remember, not all sex has to include intercourse.
Tackle the ‘I’m not going to a doctor’ thing
If he’s one of those men who refuses to go to the doctor, bring out the big guns: guilt. ‘I know you don’t worry about your health, but I do, and your kids do. We love you and don’t want to live without you. Can you get a basic health check done, for our sake, if not yours?’
Make an appointment with the GP if he won’t.
Tell the surgery he wants a mid-life health check.
A GP can then check if his testosterone is low, do blood tests to check for anaemia, check thyroid function and Vitamin D levels. They can also prescribe medication for depression. Every couple under 60 will cringe when I say this, but if you’re really worried about him, go with him to the visit. Or make a list together of things he wants to talk about (if there’s a few, make a double appointment). If you’re one of the few people who see the same GP, you can also voice your concerns and ask them to subtly address them in their next appointment.
Talk (calmly) about it
Say, ‘You seem worn out darling’ or ‘You’ve been under lots of pressure lately’. Then (again gently) chat about it. Men don’t like to seem ‘weak’ so the more you talk about how it’s normal to feel these things mid-life, the more likely he is to listen.
When you need to worry
If the grumpiness comes with significant changes in appetite, him drinking or smoking heavily, acting reckless or talking about feeling hopeless or worthless, get help. To reiterate, depression in men usually manifests more as anger than sadness.
The bottom line
Him turning into a grumpy old man isn’t inevitable – and he’s not doing it just to get at you. He’s often just a man who needs help – and doesn’t know how to ask for it.
The stress is real. The emotional ‘wobbles’ are real. The sleep issues are real.
But all of these are treatable. The problem is usually that he doesn’t recognise what’s happening: most men dismiss it as ‘just getting older’ or ‘having a hard time at work’.
You deserve a partner who treats you with respect and warmth even when life is hard. He deserves to feel like himself again.
Tracey’s podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, comes out on Wednesdays. Visit traceycox.com for details of her books, product ranges and for more information about sex and relationships.
