Dear Bel
I am so heart-sick of this situation, which really is of my own making… internet dating…
I met my partner online three years ago, but he has so many disgusting habits I can no longer stand him. He farts, burps, uses the edge of the wardrobe to scratch his back. We are in a tiny flat and I hear every noise while he’s evacuating his bowels in the morning, even with the door shut. He doesn’t wash his hands after urinating and he hardly ever takes a shower.
He eats like it’s going out of style, twice my portion size, and he has swallowed it all while I’m only halfway through mine. As soon as he’s finished his food he’s into biscuits, chocolates, ice cream etc. Four hours later, he’s ready for lunch, piling a plate with sandwiches and most of a large pork pie. He’s tall but overweight; his stomach is huge, but he’s very active.
We are both retired. I cannot stand him touching me. During the night he snores deafeningly. I am slowly going mad – I can’t stand the sight of him or his conversation, which is very one-sided and opinionated.
He has the TV on all day while gaming on his iPhone or iPad. I hardly watched TV when I was on my own and I prefer the radio. I’ve tried to tell him how I feel, but it’s like water off a duck’s back. I could scream when I see the toilet seat left up yet again and the bathroom mirror awash with streaks after he’s slobbered all over the sink. He’s crude, disgusting and I wonder what the hell I saw in him when we met three years ago.
He’s 70, I’m 67. I was married for 37 years until I was widowed, then I married again but it didn’t last, so I’m divorced. My partner wants us to get married but I’ve no wish to tie myself down again. Neither of us has any family. I can’t afford to go it alone now and I know he can’t afford to be alone either.
Although we both have state and work pensions, neither of us would have enough to live on because we are hammered for tax. And on my own I’m over the threshold for benefits.
I hope this serves as a warning to others to steer well clear of internet dating in our later years. There’s nothing you can say, is there?
FIONA
Well, yes, it’s hard to know how to respond to such a long letter full of loathing and despair – and I do feel very sorry for the both of you.
You might well wonder why I say ‘both’, when this man will not respond to your attempts to talk to him.
You’ve tried to tell him how you feel, but he shows no interest. That must make you feel very lonely, as well as nauseated by the man you freely chose to spend your life (so far, anyway) with. But I pity his hopelessness, too.
It’s impossible not to wonder whether he showed all these traits when you first met face-to-face after chatting online.
Three years is a very short time for a complete personality change – but maybe you were faintly irritated by his less pleasant habits, yet thought you could change him.
That’s a very common mistake people make in relationships: they underestimate just how much of their love interest’s personality was formed in childhood, never to be changed.
It would also be interesting to know whether or not your partner had ever lived with a woman before meeting you. Has he ever had the experience of adapting himself to somebody else?
You, on the other hand, were widowed after a long marriage. You then married again (I’m guessing, quite quickly), got divorced, then signed up to online dating – leading to the inescapable conclusion that male company is essential in your life. Was there an element of desperation?
That’s not a criticism, just a suggestion that you weren’t very picky when you let this man move in with you, perhaps before you even had time to notice that he left the loo seat up, farted at will and stuffed his face. Whatever the truth, you want your problem to be a warning to other women of a certain age who might shack up with a man of… er… limited manners and appeal.
You tell me that finances mean you are trapped. What happened in the past to leave you in such straitened circumstances now? Did he move into your flat and is it owned, rented or is it social housing? Why are you living to the limit of available benefits?
These questions must be answered before you consign yourself, without hope, to the prison of existing with somebody you detest.
Suppose you have 20 years of life ahead of you? Are you prepared to waste them in such terrible loathing of the man you chose? And is it fair on him to make him a public object of utter disgust?
Would you dare to show him this newspaper to shock him into change? Could you then sit down, talk and recapture what made you attracted to each other?
Or, why not go to a Citizens Advice for guidance as to what might be possible to help you leave this sad situation?
Are we really such bad grandparents?
Dear Bel
My husband and I are second-time-around married with four grown-up children between us.
His daughter now has three young children and lives 70 miles away. I have a strained relationship with her, so although it’s lovely to see the grandchildren, she and her husband don’t make us feel welcome when we visit.
Christmas was always a problem, as we were expected to drive to them while also trying to see my husband’s elderly mother who lived 50 miles away. We prioritised her as she lived alone and was unable to travel.
She has passed away, so at Christmas 2024, we asked if we could visit the children on Christmas morning, take presents so they could open them with us, then return home for lunch. This was refused as the other in-laws were invited and there would be ‘too many people’.
Upset, we didn’t make a fuss. Then we discovered they were having marital difficulties.
My husband has had a cancer diagnosis which resulted in a serious operation, which seems irrelevant to his daughter and her husband.
We decided to go away for Christmas 2025, and now the son-in-law has told us we are disgraceful. Unpleasant phone calls and messages have resulted in a communication breakdown.
Are we bad grandparents for not spending Christmas with them and their children? Given the past, we have our own lives to lead as well as being part of theirs. What is your view?
CHRISTINA
Such family issues could fill this column every single week and I find them much harder and sadder than the psycho-sexual matters that seem to obsess our society.
We expect much from our families, but often receive little, while the yearning for greater connection can consume people for years.
When families become ‘melded’, even greater complications can ensue; you won’t be the first woman whose second husband’s daughter has resented her.
Yet it seems to be her husband who is playing such a significant role in the breakdown of communication between you all. You say in your letter that he was involved in an emotional entanglement with another woman a year ago, so it is quite likely that the tension between the couple is still there, which might explain his harshness. Not that it is any excuse for such rudeness towards his elders.
But what of your partner’s daughter? Even if she has always resented you, that is no reason to seem so indifferent to her father’s health. The kindest interpretation might be that the tension between the couple became all-consuming, resulting in total self-absorption.
You can have no way of knowing what jealousy, anger, anxiety and fear were endured by your stepdaughter over the last 18 months. Adults fall out, family members expect too much, tempers fray – but at the centre of the problem we must place three children who are not responsible for the self-centredness, bad temper, need and sadness of the adults they love.
It seems obvious that you would not have chosen to spend Christmas without seeing the children had it not been for the unwelcoming attitude of their parents.
And all grandparents are entitled to think about their own welfare, their own good times.
But now what matters is not the couple’s recrimination and sulks, nor your own annoyance, but the potential answer to one childish question: ‘Why doesn’t granddad (and whatever they call you) visit us any more?’
Putting the grandchildren first, I think your husband should contact his daughter directly and say he wants to talk in detail to her about his prognosis and future plans, so can she agree to meet up and he can take her out to lunch?
This contact should be between father and daughter, although, of course, you will go, too. Incidentally, I have found that a mention of wills can help to focus minds. If this goes well, you can suggest a day in spring when you will drive to theirs and take the children out for the day.
I think you need to suppress indignation and make measured plans – that is, if you want those children to be a part of your lives as they grow up.
And finally… couples that play together stay together
Recently, my husband and I went to Dunelm to buy sheets for the grandchildren’s beds and two lap trays. Naturally, we emerged with a trolley-load! I love Ikea, too: economical, colourful, stylish and absolutely egalitarian.
Anyway, the epiphany came when he was examining haberdashery products in the sewing/craft area with just as much interest as I had shown in the paint he was choosing.
I laughed and asked, ‘Do you think it’s why we’re happily married – that we’re both enjoying this so much?’
I’m not sharing that to be smug, although I do feel lucky. But I thought of it when the 40-something married daughter of an old friend confided that she wished her husband would ‘lean in a bit more’ to her interests.
She had suggested they go to a local art exhibition together, but he just scoffed. Yet she has started going to his beloved football matches and, as he is a keen cyclist, she has joined him in that sport too. Unequal.
That guy needs to up his game. It’s not that couples have to do every single thing together, but I believe some shared interests are essential. And when you can’t actually share, then just try to show some interest.
I have dragged my husband around so many churches he now knows the architectural terms and finds he loves it. In turn I will always go to a motorcycle or aeronautical museum with him, because there’s always something to see – and learn.
The other night, my husband mentioned a tricky issue he’s having with a certain motorcycle tyre and I put down my book to listen…
I repeat, that’s not meant to sound virtuous. But this column has shown me that at the heart of marriage there’s often a lonely lack. And just enjoying a shopping trip might be what’s needed.
Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email [email protected]. Names are changed to protect identities. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
