Dear Jana,
A few months ago, my wife was really struggling mentally. She was anxious, burnt out and not coping well with the day-to-day grind of work and parenting.
After a lot of talking, we decided she should take a solo trip overseas. I stayed home, took time off work, and looked after our two kids for ten days straight.
It wasn’t easy, but I genuinely wanted to support her.
When she got back, something felt off. She was happy, almost euphoric, but distant with me. I know I shouldn’t have, but I went through her phone. What I found has been eating at me ever since.
There were endless party photos and one particular man who appeared again and again. There was nothing explicit, but the familiarity made my stomach turn.
She insists the trip was exactly what she needed and that nothing inappropriate happened.
But I feel hurt and frustrated. Why is it that when wives and mothers need to ‘find themselves’ again, it usually involves drinking, partying and flirting?
A husband tells DailyMail+ columnist Jana Hocking he’s worried about what his wife got up to on a recent solo holiday
I’d never do that to her – and it makes me feel like I’m not enough.
I don’t want to be a controlling husband, but I can’t shake the feeling that while I was holding everything together at home, she might have been living a completely different life.
Am I being paranoid, or did I open a door I can’t close?
Supported Her, Now Suspicious
Dear Supported Her, Now Suspicious,
Did she cheat? Maybe. Are we going to make a big deal of it? No.
Now, stick with me, because if you keep an open mind, you may just find yourself agreeing with my advice.
First of all, I’m going to hazard a guess that your wife either married young or slid straight into mum mode without much of a chance to be anything else. And no, that’s not a moral failing. It’s just what happens to a lot of women.
‘Why is it that when wives and mothers need to “find themselves” again, it usually involves drinking, partying and flirting?’ (Stock image posed by models)
What you’re describing is a classic case of something I’ve seen far too often with friends – it’s the moment someone wakes up and realises their life has quietly shrunk.
Everything is about kids, routines, being needed, wiping things, packing things, remembering things.
It’s a change of life that doesn’t come with a dramatic announcement. It just creeps in and takes over. And bam, before you know it, full existential crisis.
So while you may have pictured this trip as her chance to sit on a yoga mat and ‘find herself’, for her, it sounds like a classic Eat Pray Love situation.
Less enlightenment, more remembering she’s still fun. Still hot. Still capable of staying out past 9pm without falling asleep on the couch.
So sure, she may have flirted. And yes, she probably enjoyed the attention. But before you clutch your pearls, that doesn’t automatically mean she cheated on you.
It means she stepped outside the role of mum and wife for a minute and remembered what it feels like to be looked at like a woman again.
So before you judge her too harshly, think about what the last few years have asked of her. Pregnancy and birth do a number on your body, your confidence and your sense of self.
Then there’s the added pressure to bounce back, look good, be grateful, and keep everyone else’s lives ticking along nicely. It’s wildly unfair.
Suddenly, she realises her career and social life have stalled, and her identity gets reshaped. All very quietly, and usually without so much as a thank you.
That’s why I have a lot of sympathy for women who suddenly feel the urge to escape. Not because they’re selfish, but because they’re bloody exhausted.
Now, credit where it’s due. You stepping up to look after the kids while she was away is no small thing. But where this starts to wobble is the expectation that because you ‘allowed’ her the trip, the version of her that came back should feel comfortable for you.
Supporting someone doesn’t mean they’ll grow in a way that feels neat or reassuring to the person left behind.
I wouldn’t start interrogating her or zooming in on every bloke in her holiday photos. Group shots aren’t typically where affairs are hidden, and snooping almost always ends the same way: you find something that feeds the insecurity you already had and feel worse than when you started.
So treat her new ‘aura’ as information, not evidence. Something in her needed air. If you don’t want that to turn into distance between you, the answer isn’t suspicion or control. It’s putting in some effort. Taking more off her plate. Showing up properly. Making sure she doesn’t feel like escape is the only place she gets to breathe.
And for the record, you don’t have a disloyal wife. You have a hot wife who remembered she’s still desirable and still alive.
So yes, pick up a vacuum and get to work, sir. Because if you don’t start pulling your weight at home, another taste of freedom might start to look even more appealing.
Dear Jana,
Every time my wife and I have a fight, she blocks me on Instagram.
Sometimes it’s for a few hours, sometimes for days. She’ll also remove photos of us, unfollow me, or post cryptic quotes about ‘knowing your worth’.
We’ve been married for four years. We’re not teenagers. I’ve told her how childish it is, but she just says she needs ‘space’.
To me, it feels punitive and embarrassing, especially when friends notice and ask questions.
I don’t want to police her social media, but this pattern is making it hard to resolve conflict like adults.
Is this just modern behaviour I need to accept, or does she need to grow up?
Blocked and Confused.
Jana says that blocking your spouse on Instagram after an argument is childish (stock image)
Dear Blocked and Confused,
It will never stop amazing me how grown adults are still capable of behaving like toddlers with Wi-Fi.
Last week, my friend’s ex went on a full blocking spree. He deleted all of us off his Instagram, and then sent me a gruff text demanding I stop ‘flaunting his ex’ on my feed.
Readers, this man is 53 years old.
If I’d had the energy or the inclination, I would have explained that there’s a little button called ‘mute’ that allows you to hide someone from your feed without announcing your emotional spiral to the entire internet. But alas.
So while weaponising social media is a relatively new addition to the adult tantrum toolkit, it’s really gaining momentum. And all it tells me is that there are still plenty of people out there who don’t know how to ‘use their words’.
Blocking you, unfollowing you, deleting photos, posting cryptic quotes about ‘knowing her worth’ – none of that is about needing space. It’s a form of manipulation. It shuts you out, controls the narrative, and leaves you sitting there wondering what you’ve done wrong while she gets to feel like she’s regained the upper hand.
It’s also super cringe. And yes, please know that when the rest of us see these quotes on someone’s stories, we roll our eyes and wonder what hubby has done this time.
Because those quotes aren’t just for her either. They’re bait. She’s quietly trying to find an audience. Friends see them, assumptions are made, and suddenly you’re the bad guy.
And here’s where it actually becomes damaging. Behaviour like this teaches a partner that speaking up comes with consequences. That if you raise an issue, you’ll be iced out or punished. Over time, people stop bringing things up altogether. Not because everything’s fine, but because staying quiet feels easier than dealing with the fallout.
It’s emotional manipulation.
Calling it ‘self-care’ doesn’t magically make it healthy either. Avoiding a conversation and slamming a digital door in someone’s face isn’t emotional regulation. It’s conflict-avoidance dressed up to look empowering. Those two things are not the same.
Now, I’ll admit, someone who once would have rather thrown herself off a cliff than calmly explain her feelings, I understand the instinct. Disappearing feels safer than being vulnerable. Causing a reaction feels better than sitting in discomfort.
But you’re married. This isn’t a situationship or a petty break-up. This is meant to be a life-long partnership.
So yes, it’s time for a gentle but firm intervention. Not mid-argument while emotions are running high, but when things are calmer. Tell her you actually want to hear what’s upsetting her. That you’re a safe person to vent to, not someone she needs to block to feel powerful again.
If face-to-face conversations feel too heated for her, suggest she write things down – a note, a message, a letter. Anything that allows her to say the hard stuff without reaching straight for the block button.
It might feel awkward at first, but awkward is better than emotional whiplash.
Because that’s the thing about difficult conversations. They’re uncomfortable to begin with, but the more you have them, the less dramatic everything needs to be.
Blocking your husband on Instagram shouldn’t be part of a grown-up conflict resolution strategy.
So no, you’re not asking to control her social media. You’re just asking for basic emotional maturity. That’s perfectly okay.
