I can still pinpoint the moment I first realised something wasn’t right in my marriage.
I felt overwhelming love for our newborn son, and knew I would do whatever I could to protect him. And yet the same could not be said of my husband.
He seemed to resent this tiny, wonderful, helpless human we’d created – to be jealous of him. Specifically, he was jealous of the attention I devoted to our baby – attention he could have previously demanded for himself.
And slowly, as I started to notice the subtle punishments he’d inflict upon me – like sulking, criticising or withdrawing love if I focused on our baby instead of him – and his increasingly cold attitude towards his own child, I came to a realisation: my husband was a narcissist.
I’ve since realised through my role as a trauma therapist that many women only begin to understand the extent of the emotional abuse they have been experiencing from their narcissistic partners throughout their relationship after becoming mothers.
Looking back, I can see the signs were always there – those little jabs disguised as jokes, the sulking when I had plans without him. If I got excited about something like a promotion, or even just a night out with friends, he’d find a way to take the shine off it and create an argument so it would spoil the occasion and I’d end up with my focus back on him.
At the time I brushed it off or blamed myself, but after our son was born, there was no ignoring it.
While many new mothers may bemoan the fact their partner fails to take on their fair share of the responsibility with children, this is particularly pronounced for narcissists. To them, children are not a blessing but a rival.
Caroline Strawson with her daughter, left, and son. Caroline writes her husband ‘was jealous of the attention I devoted to our baby – attention he could have previously demanded for himself’
His increasingly cold attitude towards his own child led to a realisation: my husband was a narcissist, says Caroline
Caroline’s book How To Heal After Narcissistic Abuse is available now
At the heart of narcissism lies a desperate need to remain the central figure in every relationship. The arrival of a child threatens that status and instead of supporting their partner through sleepless nights and nappy changes, they react with resentment, even sabotage.
It’s not about struggling to come to terms with fatherhood, it’s about power. Moments that should have been filled with warmth, like rocking my son to sleep, were often interrupted by pointed comments or emotional withdrawals from my then- husband. It was as though my joy in being a mother was somehow a betrayal.
Some partners appear genuinely jealous of their own children. They may roll their eyes when the baby cries or act irritated when the mother soothes them.
My then husband would say I preferred our son and that our son preferred me! I was breastfeeding at the time and this should have been a beautiful experience, but he made me feel I had to choose between breastfeeding or spending time with him.
I felt I had to justify all my actions – as well as reassuring him that, while our baby may be more dependant on me now, I was sure that by age five our son would prefer him and they would play football together. This constant tightrope walk felt exhausting, particularly coming on top of being a new mother who was unsure if I was doing the ‘right thing’.
And narcissists often assert control by questioning your parenting choices. They may criticise how you feed, dress or soothe the baby, not out
of genuine concern, but to re-establish dominance. It becomes another way to erode your confidence – and maintain control over you.
For instance, I’d be told I was ‘making a rod for my own back’ if I held the baby too much. I internalised this criticism and increasingly doubted myself.
Living in this dynamic is not just emotionally draining, it is traumatic. Your nervous system is stuck in hypervigilance. You may interpret these feelings of panic as a sign you’re constantly ‘failing’, or put it down to ‘new-mum overwhelm’, but what’s really happening is your body is signalling you’re in danger.
As the child grows, the narcissist’s relationship with them often becomes conditional. They may play the doting parent in public, showing them off like a trophy and trying to gain praise for being a ‘wonderful parent’. But behind closed doors, they ignore them.
This duality is confusing for the child and devastating for the other parent who sees it. After giving birth to our daughter four years later, I watched this dynamic unfold over the next four years before our eventual divorce – the swings between praise and detachment, charm and coldness.
It reinforced the same trauma bond I’d been caught in myself, with my children and I left feeling that his love had to be earned, and that it centred on how good we could make him feel as a husband and father.
If you’ve ever felt caught between meeting your child’s needs and managing your partner’s reactions, you are not alone – and it is not your fault. Your baby deserves your attention and you deserve to give it without being made to feel guilty.
The problem was never that I ‘didn’t love my partner enough’, it was being forced to divide my love unfairly. Realising this was the first step towards something better for both me and my children.
Caroline Strawson is the author of How To Heal After Narcissistic Abuse. For more information visit carolinestrawson.com.
