Dear Jana,
My husband and I haven’t had sex in months. Not a dry spell here and there. I mean nothing. No touching, no initiation, no desire.
When I finally confronted him, he shrugged and said he just has a low sex drive now and ‘never really thinks about sex anymore’.
I tried to be understanding. I suggested maybe he was stressed or depressed. I gently floated the idea of seeing a doctor, getting his hormones checked, even Viagra.
I also tried initiating when the kids were at a sleepover, but he laughed it off and told me I was overthinking it and making it ‘a thing.’
Then last week, while using his laptop, I saw his porn history. It wasn’t casual. It was long. He visits a particular site frequently, we’re talking multiple times a week – and it’s a very specific kink involving women far younger than me.
A woman asks Daily Mail columnist Jana Hocking about her husband’s lack of sex drive (stock image)
Jana Hocking (pictured) gives advice to a woman who has discovered her husband regularly consumes porn, despite telling her he ‘never thinks about sex’
Suddenly it seems the man who ‘never thinks about sex’ gets very busy whenever I’m not around. I feel humiliated. Not just rejected, but lied to. I don’t even know what hurts more: that he doesn’t want sex with me… or that he clearly wants it, just not with his wife.
Is this a porn problem, a marriage problem, or both? And how do I confront him without sounding like a desperate woman trying to compete with a browser history?
Browser History Wife
Dear Browser History Wife,
What you’re looking at here has a name. It’s called the Madonna/Whore complex, and trust me, it’s far more common than anyone likes to admit. I honestly wish people talked about it more, because it would save a lot of wives from lying awake at night wondering why their husbands suddenly have the libido of a monk.
In very simple terms, some men mentally split women into two categories. The Madonna is the wife. The mother. The respectable woman he loves, cherishes, and then… mysteriously stops wanting to have sex with.
The Whore is the one he lusts after. The pornstar. OnlyFans creators. Women with lips and boobs full of filler who resemble sex dolls. Any woman who’s living up to a comically sexual stereotype and doesn’t require emotional intimacy or eye contact.
So no, he hasn’t ‘lost his sex drive’. He’s just outsourced it. Romantic, I know. But let me take it one step further, with some information I stumbled upon that helped me fully understand your dilemma.
I was out on one of my daily hot girl walks, half listening to a podcast about relationships, when famous therapist Marisa Peer said something that made total sense.
A woman tries to come to terms with what she’s seen on her husband’s search history (stock image)
She was talking about long-term relationships and sex drives and casually dropped this absolute truth bomb: ‘The minute your partner is referred to as ‘Mummy’ or ‘Daddy’, you subconsciously don’t want to have sex with them. Because who wants to have sex with their parents? That’s really weird.’
Marisa went on to explain that when couples have children, they often start relating to each other primarily as parents rather than lovers. And once someone is mentally filed in the ‘parent’ category, your brain quietly shuts down sexual desire.
Not on purpose, just biologically. Even if you’re not calling each other ‘Mummy’ and ‘Daddy’ in the bedroom (thank God), think about how often it creeps into everyday language.
‘Tell Daddy what you did at school. Ask Mummy where your shoes are.’ Totally normal – but absolute libido kryptonite. It’s not just parents either. Marisa said even couples who have pets do the exact same thing.
For example, you might say, ‘Daddy, can you take Buddy outside for a pee-pee?’.
Stop it. Stop it right now. You would fare better between the sheets if you simply said, ‘Oi Danny, can you take Buddy outside?’ It’s not the word itself. It’s what the word represents. Responsibility and caregiving. Snore. All the things that are wonderful for family life… and terrible for sexual polarity.
The good news is, this isn’t about competing with porn or turning yourself into someone you’re not. You don’t need to perform. You don’t need to suddenly become an adult star in your own home.
What does help is shifting the energy. How about you get your husband to see you in a new light instead? But the key here is to do it subtly. Not asking him why he won’t sleep with you, but subtly getting him to remember why he used to love doing it.
Give him little shocks of sexiness and get rid of the Mummy title for good.
Honestly, it’s worth a go.
Dear Jana,
My partner and I share locations ‘for safety,’ which I was fine with… until I realised he checks it constantly. If I stop somewhere unexpected, he asks about it. If I’m out longer than planned, he jokes about it.
Last week he texted, ‘Why are you still at that café?’ while I was literally ordering a muffin. He says I’m overreacting and that it’s just curiosity, but I feel like I’m being quietly monitored.
Is this modern transparency or low-key control dressed up as concern?
Watched Woman
Dear Watched Woman,
Okay, stalker alert. Let me be very clear, you’re absolutely not overreacting. That behaviour would send me absolutely bonkers.
This isn’t a man who is just curious. If he is tracking your movements closely enough to question a muffin stop, that’s no longer about safety – it’s about control under the guise of ‘concern’.
Nope, he can stop that pronto. It also sounds like your husband has far too much time on his hands. Honestly, get that man a hobby. And no – watching your dot move around on a map – is not one.
Location sharing is meant to be passive. The second it becomes interactive with questions and jokes, it crosses into something else. And before anyone says ‘he’s just teasing,’ let’s be honest. Jokes are only jokes if both people are laughing.
Right now, you’re tense. Listen to your body. It always gives us clues. But here’s where I’ll gently challenge you. The biggest issue isn’t his behaviour. It’s that you’re starting to second-guess yourself instead of trusting your instincts. And that’s usually a sign a boundary is overdue.
So let me offer you a New Year’s resolution I’m actively working on myself: getting very comfortable setting clear, firm boundaries without apologising for them.
You don’t need to justify your feelings or build a case. You can simply say something like, ‘I’m happy to share my location for emergencies, but I don’t like being questioned about where I am. It makes me feel watched, and I want it to stop.’
Then – and this part is important – you watch what happens next.
If he gets it and backs off, great. Boundary respected. If he minimises it, jokes harder or tells you you’re being dramatic, then you take note of the clear red flag he’s waving about.
Everyone deserves privacy. Everyone deserves to move through their day without being monitored. And nobody should feel like they’re on parole for ordering a muffin.
Trust your gut. It clocked this for a reason.
Dear Jana,
I recently discovered my partner still talks to his ex every single day. They share memes, inside jokes, pictures from their day and updates about their lives.
He says they’re just friends now and that I should be grateful he’s emotionally mature enough to stay close with an ex. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I don’t love being the third wheel in my own relationship.
Is this healthy modern dating… or am I right to feel uneasy?
Third Wheel Girlfriend
Dear Third Wheel Girlfriend,
Ah yes, the classic ’emotionally mature’ defence. Sigh. Nothing says ‘modern enlightenment’ like keeping your ex on speed dial while your current partner quietly feels like an extra in her own relationship.
Let’s call this what it is. This isn’t about being old-fashioned. It’s about boundaries. And right now, his are sloppy. Staying friendly with an ex can be healthy. Sure. But texting every single day is suss. Super suss.
Right now, he’s getting the best of both worlds. He may not be sleeping with her, but he’s still emotionally tethered. And you’re not wrong for feeling uneasy about it.
Here’s the key point he’s missing. Emotional intimacy is a finite resource. If he’s giving a daily slice of it to his ex, that energy isn’t fully available to you. Which is why you feel like the third wheel. Because, frankly, you are.
And no, you don’t need to be ‘grateful’ for this arrangement. That’s a neat little guilt-flip that puts you in the position of seeming insecure for wanting something very reasonable: to not be competing with ghosts of girlfriends past.
Let’s not forget, this woman is someone he used to love.
So there needs to be a conversation about respect. You don’t need to issue ultimatums or demand he delete her number in a dramatic flourish. You simply say: ‘I’m not comfortable with daily contact with your ex. It makes me feel sidelined, and I need us to have clearer boundaries if this relationship is going to feel secure.’
Then you watch what he does. If he hears you and adjusts, great. If he argues or paints you as the problem, that’s useful information too.
Because a man who prioritises an ex’s feelings over his partner’s comfort is not emotionally evolved.
You’re not asking for too much. You’re asking not to date someone who’s still half in another relationship. And girl, that’s a very reasonable request.
