As a professional conflict mediator and psychologist who has worked in wartorn countries, Gabrielle Rifkind knows a thing or two about why we argue. She says our domestic clashes aren’t that dissimilar to those happening globally. ‘Imagine,’ Rifkind says, ‘if at the beginning of a tough conversation, we approached it with the awareness that it might end in disagreement, and that would be fine.’ To do this, you need to understand your conflict style, and your partner’s. Which are you?
The side-stepper
When anything potentially awkward comes up, you find a way to change the subject.
Why it’s a problem This can be frustrating as the other person is likely to think they haven’t been heard, and feel they are not taken seriously.
If you feel vulnerable, you default to viewing a falling out as a competition to be won. Maybe you were brought up to believe that winning is the only option
Try this Rather than avoiding the argument, try to show you are listening with open questions such as, ‘Tell me more about why you think there’s an issue and what you think would help?’
The winner at all costs
If you feel vulnerable, you default to viewing a falling out as a competition to be won. Maybe you were brought up to believe that winning is the only option. This can mean you’re unable to compromise.
Why it’s a problem This style of conflict becomes tedious and undermining. One client of Rifkind’s cited her husband’s need to win every argument as a major factor in the demise of their marriage.
Try this Start small. Let your partner or colleague win a small dispute, not one close to your heart. Then slowly build up to taking a risk with something you care more about.
As a professional conflict mediator and psychologist who has worked in wartorn countries, Gabrielle Rifkind knows a thing or two about why we argue
The people pleaser
You focus on making others happy even at the expense of your own needs. This tendency can be rooted in early relationships where it felt unsafe to express feelings for fear of rejection.
Why it’s a problem This kind of conflict avoidance can lead to imbalanced relationships. You may find yourself feeling resentful or taken advantage of, while being unable to refuse people’s requests.
Try this Set some boundaries and be clear about what is OK for you. You might say, ‘I would like to help but I am very busy at the moment, so can you ask someone else?’
The exploder
You can lash out when you’re hurt or angry – your thoughts get overcome by that deep urge to make the other person suffer as you are suffering. This can make conflict worse. Perhaps you easily take offence, don’t pause to reflect or can even become verbally aggressive.
Why it’s a problem This is a potentially serious and challenging conflict style. But if you recognise yourself doing this, try not to judge yourself too harshly as that may paralyse you.
Try this Consider an anger management programme; or take up running, boxing or dancing as a release. Also try writing things down, which can help you express your emotions more calmly.
The silent sulker
If you go mute when there has been a disagreement, you are probably effective at transmitting the disapproval without saying a word.
Why it’s a problem Sulky silences can become habitual and resentments can build to boiling point.
Try this Consider agreeing that after a spat neither you nor your partner are allowed to sulk for longer than ten minutes. Then wait until the intensity of feelings has subsided and maybe offer them a cup of tea before picking up the conversation again.
How To Agree To Disagree by Gabrielle Rifkind is published by Bluebird, £20. To order a copy for £17 until 7 June, go to mailshop.co.uk/books or call 020 3176 2937. Free UK delivery on orders over £25
