Q I am bored with my husband. We have been married for 30 years and our three children have now left home so we are thrown back on each other’s company. I don’t want to divorce, for many reasons – my parents split when I was in my 20s and I don’t want to put my own children through that.
Plus, it is not my husband’s fault that I am bored – he is perfectly nice, there is just no spark any more. I wonder if he is bored, too, but I am afraid to discuss it in case I’m wrong and he is devastated.
I also feel guilty because I have a widowed friend who would give anything to have her husband back – and I feel I should appreciate mine more.
A Sad as it is, put your friend’s loss aside because it’s not about a comparison or a ‘should’. What you feel doesn’t make you ungrateful, it makes you human.
Children leaving home can be a critical time in relationships. It could be that your children have taken a great deal of both your energies. You might just be exhausted and perhaps, rather than being bored of each other, you have simply lost the essence of being yourselves instead of ‘parents’.
Start by thinking about yourself in a new light. Are there interests or passions you’ve set aside over the years? Living more fully as an individual often brings fresh energy to a partnership.
Try an honest, gentle conversation with your husband. Don’t blame; say you miss feeling close and suggest a shared hobby or a weekly evening together. He may feel similarly. Having separate interests is important, too. With patience and small changes, many couples find a deeper companionship that feels like a fresh beginning.
It is not my husband’s fault that I am bored – he is perfectly nice, there is just no spark any more, writes a reader (picture posed by models)
Should I tell my friend that I have feelings for her?
Q I am a man in my early 30s and have been friends on and off with a woman for many years. We lost contact for a while, but we met again in 2024 at a friend’s engagement party.
Throughout our friendship she’s had several boyfriends and, while I liked her, I was never jealous of them and always saw her as a really good friend rather than anything more. Then, quite suddenly, after seeing her a few times recently and speaking and texting frequently, I’ve started to develop feelings for her. We have similar personalities and make each other laugh. Whenever we talk or meet up, I feel genuinely happy.
However, a couple of weeks ago she phoned to tell me she had broken up with her boyfriend and was no longer attracted to men, which came as a complete surprise. While I’m fully supportive of this decision, I still really want to tell her how I feel. However, I’m afraid of ruining our friendship, especially as she has fallen out with a few people recently.
A It can be very painful when you develop feelings for a friend that aren’t returned. There’s often a temptation to believe that if only they could see how good you’d be together, it would be a perfect relationship. At the same time, you don’t want to risk losing a friendship.
However, your situation is even more complicated. While you don’t explicitly say that she is gay, you say she’s declared she is ‘no longer attracted to men’. It could be that she is aware of how you feel and is trying to let you down gently. Or, after another difficult break-up, she’s swearing off men for a while out of frustration.
But if she has discovered that she prefers women, then confessing your feelings would be irrelevant – and it could even upset her. She might feel that you’re expecting her to change her mind once she knows how you feel, which could seem invalidating or dismissive of her sexuality.
It’s important to remember that sexuality isn’t a choice, it’s an innate part of who someone is. It’s fine to tell her how much you value her, as long as you do so lightly and without any expectation. You might say something like, ‘I realise you’re exactly the kind of woman I’d love to be with, so I’m a bit sad that it can’t be you but I understand completely that that’s not possible.’ You could even suggest she be your ‘wingwoman’ in helping you find someone – and vice versa.
Remember, too, that a deep platonic friendship can be every bit as meaningful as a romantic one. For you, it’s sad and disappointing, but perhaps what you’re responding to is the comfort and connection of friendship – the laughter, ease and warmth you share. So don’t let your feelings for her prevent you from opening yourself up to finding someone who can return your love fully.
