When we think of infidelity, we think of betrayal and devastation.
And for many people, that’s exactly what it is.
But the reality of affairs – why they happen, what they mean, and what comes after – is far more complex.
World famous psychotherapist Esther Perel has spent decades challenging our black-and-white thinking about affairs. She found that, while painful, affairs sometimes serve as a catalyst for change.
Some people do look back with profound regret. But others see them as sad but necessary breaking points that put them on the right road to happiness.
And some don’t regret them at all.
I spoke with three people who had discovered affairs to ask one simple question: Was it worth it? Their answers might surprise you.
‘YES: IT GAVE ME A PLAUSIBLE REASON TO LEAVE A ‘PERFECT’ MARRIAGE’
Was the hot affair worth it if you got found out? Tracey Cox (pictured) poses the question to men and women – their answers might surprise you
Jillian was three years into her marriage and in her mid 30s when she had an affair.
‘My husband was tall, athletic, handsome and a banker; the person I cheated with was short with red hair and a teacher. You didn’t need to be Einstein to figure there was something going on there.
‘I didn’t have an affair with a person, I had an affair because the marriage was suffocating me and I didn’t know what to do. I’d married a “catch”, I was in my early 30s and supposed to settle down and have babies. But I’m ambitious and being married was holding me back from accepting international jobs. I felt resentful but didn’t know how to deal with the situation.
‘Ironically, I met the guy I had the affair with at a work event hosted by my husband. The guy was a plus one of one of his best clients, a woman I already knew. I have no idea why I choose him to have an affair with – there were far more attractive men who would have been up for it. But I did – and I quickly became obsessed with him.
‘I’d orchestrate these secret meetings and my entire existence revolved around them. The sex was so intense, I couldn’t get enough of it. Affairs are incredibly exciting and it makes you live in the moment: you live for one hour of stolen time, here and there. It’s forbidden so everything is erotically charged. I remember going to the loo when out with my husband and another couple and sitting there aching with longing to be with my lover.
‘Truth was, my husband ran rings around this guy. He was smarter, sexier, better looking and a better lover. It didn’t take long once I left to realise I’d had the affair simply to give myself a plausible reason to leave. I pretended I was leaving for him, but the minute I did, the affair withered and died. It went from intense longing to intense irritation. He was boring and unattractive.
‘But the affair served its purpose: it gave me a reason to leave a marriage that happened at the wrong time in my life. I stayed single and pursued my career for two decades before settling down again. It was the right thing to do, though I deeply regret hurting my husband and wish I’d met him much later in life.’
Jillian was three years into her marriage and in her mid 30s when she had an affair. She said: ‘The affair served its purpose: it gave me a reason to leave a marriage that happened at the wrong time in my life’ (stock image)
‘NO: I HAD EVERYTHING AND THREW IT AWAY. DON’T BE ME’
Michael, 52, was married for 18 happy years before he made the worst mistake of his life
‘If you’re reading this and you’re in a marriage you value – whatever you think you’re missing, whatever excitement you think you need – it is not worth this. It’s not worth the look on your partner’s face when they realise you betrayed them. It’s not worth having your children never speak to you again. It’s not worth waking up every day knowing you destroyed the best thing in your life for something that meant nothing.
‘I agreed to write this not for sympathy – I don’t deserve any – but as a warning to anyone who thinks they can compartmentalise their life the way I did.
‘I had everything. My wife Sarah is still the most remarkable person I’ve ever known. My two kids, now 21 and 18, were everything to me. I loved them. I still do. That’s what makes this so incomprehensible, even to me.
‘Jess was 28 when she joined our department, I was 46. There were late nights working together, drinks after work with others, then just us two. She made me feel seen in a way I hadn’t in years, which is the most pathetic cliché in the history of infidelity. I wanted the excitement, I was selfish and I convinced myself I could have both lives. It was purely physical for me. I never stopped loving Sarah but for eight months I lived a double life – until Sarah found text messages.
‘I can still see her face – complete devastation, like I’d torn something out of her chest. She went quiet in a horrible way and asked, “How could you do this to us?”. I had no answer. I still don’t.
‘I ended it with Jess immediately and begged forgiveness from Sarah. Two weeks later, Jess lost her job because of our affair. She had no one else, so I helped her – gave her money, met for coffee, helped with the job search. Sarah saw this as choosing Jess over the family and filed for divorce. I kept explaining I didn’t want to be with Jess, I just felt obligated. But I’d just made everything even worse.
‘That was five years ago. I’ve been divorced four years. I’ve spent every day since trying to show Sarah I’m not the man who did that to her. Therapy helped me learn how my father’s affairs normalised them but none of it matters. Sarah is dating someone else. He’s a good man. My daughter hasn’t spoken to me in four years. I got one email saying: “You destroyed Mum and our family. I don’t want you in my life”. She graduated last May and I wasn’t invited.
My son tries. We have a strained lunch every few months. He told me he doesn’t know how to reconcile the dad he grew up with, with the dad who did that. He’s in therapy himself with trust issues. I did that to him.
‘I’d give anything to go back. I had everything and I threw it away. Don’t be me.’
‘YES: IT ENDED IN DISASTER BUT I’D DO IT AGAIN BECAUSE AFFAIR SEX IS THE BEST THERE IS’
Josh was 38 when he cheated with one of his wife’s friends. He lost everything but doesn’t regret it. He said: ‘I miss my wife sometimes, but I’d still do the same thing if I had my time over. The sex was THAT good’ (stock image)
Josh was 38 when he cheated with one of his wife’s friends. He lost everything but doesn’t regret it.
‘Men will read this and get it instantly. Women won’t. And that’s just how the world is I’m afraid. I am a man who is highly sexed and it’s my biggest pleasure in life. I enjoy relationships and am perfectly capable of being monogamous but only if the sex stays frequent and exciting. Which in my experience, it rarely does.
‘I thought I had found the perfect woman which is why I got married. But after six years it all went pear shaped. My wife was just as into sex as me at the start and we made a pact for it to last. Then she wanted a baby and that changed everything. She’d only do it at certain times to maximise her chance of conceiving, but nothing worked. She became depressed and stopped wanting sex at all. I was sympathetic to start but then tried to tell her I needed regular sex. But she was all wrapped up in her own world.
‘I wasn’t looking but I was up for cheating. I didn’t plan on doing it with one of my wife’s friends, but it happened. She hit on me and I didn’t say no and we started seeing each other once a week.
‘Everyone knows that sex you aren’t supposed to be having is a hundred times sexier than sex with your partner. It’s the best sex I’ve ever experienced.
‘I thought she’d be discrete but, in the end, she was the one who told my wife. She felt too guilty. Can you believe they are still mates? I got booted out immediately, rightly so, and my wife’s lawyer cleaned me out. I miss my wife sometimes, but I’d still do the same thing if I had my time over. The sex was THAT good.’
Listen to Tracey’s podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, every Wednesday. Find her on Instagram @traceycoxsexauthor and email her at [email protected].
