This Mother’s Day, women up and down the country will be celebrating the moment they became someone’s Mum, Mammy or Mumma. But for Erin, it’s a bittersweet day filled with regret.
Because whilst the 43-year-old loves her miracle twins, born via IVF, she also resents them, blaming her decision to have children for the breakdown of her marriage.
So, if she could do it all over again? She’d pick her husband and their previous life before their two kids.
Erin met the love of her life, Steve, when she was 32 and told The Daily Mail’s sex and relationship columnist Tracey Cox that they had a ‘blissful three years together before children’.
‘We had sex constantly and our lifestyle was idyllic. Coffee in bed on the weekends, lunch with a bottle of wine; we’d travel on a whim and splurge on luxuries,’ she revealed.
But soon Erin was surrounded by friends who were having babies – and despite motherhood never being something she strived to achieve, she found herself having ‘baby FOMO big time’.
Erin had discussed having children with Steve at the start of their relationship, recalling: ‘We both said we’d leave it in the lap of the Gods: if it happened great, if not also great. We didn’t use contraception and nothing happened for two years.
‘Steve was cool about it, but I was surrounded by friends having babies, all telling me what I was missing out on.’
This Mother’s Day, women up and down the country will be celebrating the moment they became someone’s Mum, Mammy or Mumma. But for Erin, it’s a bittersweet day filled with regret (stock photo pictured, not Erin and her twins)
Eventually, Erin told her husband that she had changed her mind and was now ‘desperate’ for children.
The couple embarked on three rounds of IVF, with a nervous Steve questioning his wife at the start whether she was ready to change their life, saying he loved ‘us’.
However, despite Erin agreeing with her husband, her friends kept telling her she would never forgive herself if she didn’t try for children.
‘So I pushed him into continuing and one round of IVF turned into three. It drained our finances, our sex life was ruined, I was moody, snappy and anxious. He just seemed sad: all the fun had disappeared,’ admitted the mother of two.
On the third round of IVF, Erin became pregnant with her twins, but confessed that both she and her husband looked ‘horrified’ when the medical professional announced that it would be two babies.
‘But what could we do? The pregnancy was awful, the birth was horrendous and the twins were difficult babies,’ revealed Erin.
Following the awful birth and whilst dealing with the newborns, Erin admitted she ‘turned on everyone’.
‘I told my girlfriends I hated them for lying to me about motherhood,’ she recalled. ‘I blamed my husband for letting me get pregnant when neither of us really wanted babies.
‘I hated myself the most because I knew I was being horrifically unreasonable and a terrible mother to two innocent children who deserved to be loved, not resented.’
Her husband begged Erin to undergo therapy, but eventually left two years later. Speaking anonymously, she explained she is now seeing a therapist and also trying to fix her marriage.
‘I’m desperately trying to get Steve back but it’s not looking good,’ admitted Erin. ‘The therapist is also helping me to be a better mother. I love my twins, even if there’s resentment there, and I only have myself to blame for not listening to my heart.’
But if the reluctant mother had to do it all over, she confessed she might’ve made different decisions.
Erin told Tracey: ‘Having children broke my marriage and if I had to choose between having them or my husband and our previous life, I’m ashamed to say I’d choose him.’
But it’s not only Erin that feels this way. Marie, 46, longs for a more interesting life, finding motherhood to be ‘repetitive, monotonous and thankless’.
She told Tracey anonymously: ‘I have four boys, so the first thing is the physical toll. Not just carrying and delivering four big babies, but the energy and physical effort it took to be a stay-home mum.
‘I honestly don’t know how I got through the baby and toddler stages. The physical exhaustion and workload is so intense, there’s no time to think about yourself and your needs.
‘But I vividly remember making yet another meal for four growing teenagers and feeling so, so, weary with it all.’
Marie explained how her husband worked long hours, carrying the financial burden, and so was hardly home.
‘I’ve done nothing but bring up children for 15 years,’ explained the mother of four. ‘The repletion, the monotony, the lack of intellectual stimulation – the lack of thanks!
‘I had the daily grind. I realised the rewards weren’t anywhere near enough to balance out the downside. But what do you do? It’s not like I can chuck them all out.’
She also insisted that boys were hard to get through to emotionally, unlike girls. ‘They all went through a stage where they gave nothing back. Just demanded food, food and more food and grunted when I tried to make conversation,’ admitted Marie.
‘I’m a well-educated, intelligent, social person and all I’ve done is be a housewife and mother. If I could go back in time, be 20 again, I wouldn’t have children,’ she said.
‘I love them but my life would have been so much more interesting and exciting without them. My husband and I would have travelled, we’d have spent more time with friends.
‘We’d have been closer and certainly had more sex. We feel more like flatmates. Actually, worse than that – work colleagues.
‘I would have enjoyed having a challenging job but there’s no hope now. I’ve been out of the workforce for too long. I wouldn’t say I’m bitter about the choices I’ve made but I am deeply disappointed with the outcome.
‘I’m not surprised lots of young women are opting out of motherhood and taking different paths. Good for you. There are many other things life has to offer that are just as rewarding as parenting.’
Unlike Marie, Ashley, 45, did have a high-flying career. However, she gave it all up for her children – and now she regrets it.
‘I made a silly assumption: I thought you could have a career and children,’ admitted the mother to Tracey anonymously.
‘I left my high-paying, deeply rewarding management job and took a year off to have a child. I figured it would be a brief interruption but then I fell pregnant again and we wanted two kids, so I figured I’d take two years off and do it all in one go.
‘Except it didn’t work like that. It was four years later that I tried to get back into the workforce. Tried being the operative word.
‘Would you employ a mother with two young children if you required a full-time, long-day commitment to the job? Employers were nervous. I was nervous. I’d lost my identity and my confidence. I was offered lesser roles but determined to get back what I had.’
Whilst Ashley struggled to achieve career success again, her best friend from her old role who had a similar job to her had tripled her salary during the years Ashley had been a stay-at-home mother.
‘She was always being headhunted and I wanted all the jobs she was offered. She was single and free to do what she wanted and what she wanted was success. I felt sick with envy,’ admitted Ashley.
‘Meanwhile, I was failing as a parent as well. You don’t just have to worry about making sure your kids don’t get ill or have accidents. You scrutinise every decision you – and they – make in their life.
‘I want them to go to a Russell Group university. They have other ideas. Do I let them do what they want and risk them berating me later in life when they achieve little? Or do I alienate them by forcing choices on them now?’
Ashley admitted that she can’t stop thinking of the ‘lost opportunities’, adding: ‘I was a high-flyer and now I’m just an anxious, helicopter parent.
‘I could have really been something if I hadn’t had children. Instead, I’m washed up at 45 and seriously depressed.’
Visit traceycox.com for Tracey’s books, podcast and other information about sex and relationships.
