Silly season is here – a time of happiness and laughter. But for the ‘other woman’, it’s anything but the most wonderful time of the year.
Trust me. I would know.
I’ve spent several years of my life being a part-time lover – a secondary partner who fades into the background when December rolls around.
I quietly watch from the sidelines and will barely have any contact with my man over the next few weeks while he spends time with his wife and family.
Before you judge me, just know I never meant to become someone’s dirty little secret on purpose.
I first became the other woman in my early 20s while living in London. On a Friday night out with a few girlfriends, I met an attractive man at a Soho bar.
Oliver* was a smooth talker and I was completely taken in as we flirted over martinis.
Over the following weeks, I felt like I was living a dream. Endless romantic texts, perfect dates, mind-blowing sex…
Before you judge me, just know I never meant to become someone’s dirty little secret on purpose, writes our pseudonymous author (stock image posed by models)
Many will remember the iconic scene in Love Actually where Emma Thompson’s character (left) discovers a necklace in her marital bedroom, believing it’s a Christmas gift from her husband. Later, she discovers it is a present for another, younger woman (right)
Of course, I didn’t know he was married – he didn’t tell me, nor did I see a ring. Oliver only told me the truth when he was caught out.
We’d been dating for a few months when we went out for dinner, then back to his for a bottle of wine.
As we clinked glasses and snuggled up together on the lounge, something across the room caught my eye.
A baby blue highchair in the corner.
‘Are you married?’ I asked, my voice shaking. Oliver’s face dropped. Then he finally told me the truth.
He told me he’d been married for five years and his wife was at their second home with their toddler. He told me they never had sex anymore, that becoming parents had changed things between them.
I knew I should’ve turned my back on him and walked away. But I didn’t.
The truth is, I was head over heels in love by then – in way too deep to leave.
The first Christmas we spent apart – him with his wife and children, me alone in my tiny apartment – was incredibly painful (stock image posed by model)
For six years, we did this dance. I had partners during this period, of course, some of them even quite serious – but they never had a clue about my married lover on the side.
Special occasions – particularly Christmas – were the hardest. Because no married man abandons his wife and children over the holidays.
Throughout the year, I’d been whisked away on expensive trips and showered with attention and gifts.
But come every December, it was like I didn’t exist.
Oliver and I eventually parted ways in 2019. I was 29 by then and decided to move to Sydney for a fresh start.
I convinced myself I would never date a married man again – boy, was I wrong.
I met Jack* at a mutual friend’s dinner party in north Sydney.
We sipped champagne and talked as the sun set over the city. The chemistry between us was undeniable.
Fast forward a few weeks and we were dating. Jack brought out a side of me I never even knew existed – my feelings for him ran even deeper than my feelings for Oliver.
I’ll admit I was quite naive. I believed him when he told me he was divorced, that his wife was a ‘horrible’ person.
I also listened to him talk about his love for his children. I became open to the idea of becoming a stepmother – but whenever I asked if he’d be open to me meeting them, he told me it was ‘too soon’.
I should’ve listened to my mother’s wise words: ‘If he doesn’t say nice things about his ex-wife, he’s not a good person.’
About six months in, I learned the truth after spying a notification on his phone. He wasn’t divorced. He and his wife were very much together.
Once again, I knew I should’ve ended things then and there, but I couldn’t. I was so in love with Jack and couldn’t imagine never seeing him again.
So we continued our relationship.
The first Christmas we spent apart – him with his wife and children, me alone in my tiny apartment – was incredibly painful.
While Jack spent money on me when we were together – expensive trips, lavish dinners – he never really bought me physical gifts.
Sitting by myself at home, I wondered what he’d got his wife for Christmas. I tortured myself, imagining her unwrapping a beautiful necklace or a sparkling ring, a token of his love she’d keep forever.
How long would my memories of sun-soaked holiday sex sustain me? They were hardly likely to outlast diamonds.
I barely looked at my phone that week because I knew what the inevitable text message would say.
I can’t call tonight. She’s here.
It was heartbreaking.
Many people will remember the famous scene from Christmas rom-com Love Actually where Emma Thompson’s character, Karen, discovers a gold necklace in her husband Harry’s coat pocket, believing it’s a Christmas gift bought for her.
When she instead receives a Joni Mitchell CD, she cries quietly in the bedroom, realising the necklace was for another woman. Meanwhile, across town, her husband’s younger obsession, Mia, tries on her new piece of jewellery.
In the Hollywood movie, the other woman wins Christmas.
But it’s not like that – not for me, anyway. The wife gets the day. She gets the gift. I am alone, waiting for it all to be over. My relationship goes on ice until January.
My friends ask me why I don’t just leave. But the thought of losing someone I love and starting a new life is just too much to bear.
I used to adore Christmas when I was a child. My younger sister would wake me up then we’d run downstairs and open presents under the tree.
Now, as an adult, loneliness takes on a particular edge in the final month of the year – arriving dressed in fairy lights and carols, as gifts are wrapped and placed beneath the tree. But for me, it’s really as hollow as an unopened present, all shimmer and promise with nothing inside.
The truth is that the other woman never comes first.
I sit in my flat with Christmas lights I put up for myself, pretending they’re enough. I buy my own gifts and wrap them anyway, because the ritual feels like proof I exist.
I tell friends I’m ‘keeping it low-key this year’, which is easier than saying no one is coming.
The world slows down at Christmas, but my thoughts don’t. They get louder. Each empty hour asks the same question: If I matter, why am I always alone when it matters most?
I know what people would say if they knew – that I chose this and deserve the loneliness.
A lot of people think I’m a shameful person, but I’m still human. I don’t want to ruin anyone’s Christmas. I just want one where I’m not hidden.
I want one season where love doesn’t feel like something I borrow and have to give back before nightfall.
So yes, Christmas is the loneliest time of year for me. Not because I am alone. But because for a few bright, unbearable days, everyone else gets to be seen – and I am reminded that I never am.
As told to Carina Stathis. Marlenya Jones is a pseudonym. *Name has been changed
ARE YOU ‘THE OTHER WOMAN’?
Australian dating and relationship expert Dr Lurve shares the signs that may indicate you’re the other woman
Dating expert Dr Lurve shares the signs that could indicate you’re the other woman.
1. You’re his escape hatch
Sure, those coffee dates and spontaneous drives are exciting, but he never invites you for the real stuff, such as family dinners, weekend BBQs or holiday celebrations.
2. He’s weirdly secretive
‘I’m just private’ is his excuse for never posting about you online or introducing you to anyone. He says he’s just low-key, but let’s be honest, it feels more like you’re being kept under wraps.
3. His schedule is oddly rigid
He’s always unavailable on nights, weekends or holidays. It’s consistent and not in a comforting way. He’s mysteriously always busy during these prime relationship times.
4. He’s all talk, no action
Big promises such as ‘you’ll meet my parents soon’ or ‘let’s plan that vacation together’ sound great, right? Until you realise they never actually happen.
5. His emotions are all over the place
One minute he’s blowing up your phone, the next he’s cold, distracted or distant. That emotional rollercoaster isn’t healthy; it’s a sign something’s off.
6. You’re basically invisible
You’ve never met his friends, family or even bumped into someone he knows. After months (or years) that’s not coincidence – that’s careful planning.
7. Deep talks, shallow details
You’ve talked for hours, but can you name his closest mate or describe what his home looks like? If not, you might be connecting more with his curated version of himself than the real deal.
8. Basic questions make him squirm
If asking ‘what are you doing tonight?’ makes him act like you’re interrogating him, causes him to freeze, change the subject, or act like you’ve crossed a line, something’s up!
9. Love on his terms
He’s Prince Charming when it suits him, but ghosts you when you actually need support. Real love doesn’t come with conditions. If love feels like a reward you have to earn, that’s not love. Get out!
10. He’s a social media ghost (with you)
If he’s active online but you’re nowhere to be seen – not even in a Story or a like – he’s not protecting your privacy; he’s protecting his other life.
11. The king of cancellations
Plans fall through at the last minute. ‘Something came up’ is his favourite catchphrase. Life gets busy, sure, but not every single time you make plans. When this always happens, he’s managing more than just a calendar.
12. Your gut won’t shut up
You can’t shake that uneasy feeling that something’s not quite right. Don’t ignore it. Intuition is often the truth whispering before reality shouts.
