Q I am nearly 80. My husband, who was uncaring and a womaniser, died almost five years ago. A few months later I met a lovely, kind and gentle man. He now lives with my son and me, and this works very well.
My daughter has been hostile from the start. She told me he was after my money and that I was a ‘silly old woman’ (he is far wealthier than I am).
She shouted at me in the street that I was disgusting and had not grieved my husband properly. She has frequently accused me of being manipulative and selfish, hurls insults at her brother and tries to distance me from my beloved grandchildren.
I lost my younger daughter to cancer at 16. On one occasion recently, my elder daughter screamed, ‘The wrong daughter died. Admit it!’
She later demanded a large sum of equity from the family home – in which I am still living – and my son and I had to use much of our savings to meet this demand. I am not well, and the stress is overwhelming. She is 53 and a psychologist.
I love her, but my son, partner and friends all tell me I should reduce contact. I feel as though I must have been an awful mother, but I don’t know what I have done.
I feel as though I must have been an awful mother, our reader worries in her letter
A I assure you, you are not an awful mother. For a psychologist, your daughter shows an astonishing lack of self-awareness. The things she accuses you of – manipulation, selfishness, dishonesty – sound very much like projection. These are the qualities she fears or dislikes in herself, so she transfers them to you.
If I were being generous, I would say that grief has affected her deeply, too. When a child dies, the parents’ grief is, of course, overwhelming.
Young people can be very self-focused, and it is possible your elder daughter misinterpreted the visible intensity of your grief as meaning she mattered less or was loved less. When she says the ‘wrong daughter died’, she is telling you how she feels about herself.
However, none of this is your fault, and understanding her pain does not mean tolerating her cruelty. She is emotionally and financially abusive. You are not well so you need to protect yourself.
Perhaps with the help of counselling to give you some strength, do please be guided by your son, partner and friends in keeping a firm distance. Explain to your daughter that you love her very much but you will only have contact if she can be civil.
At 53, she is responsible for her own behaviour, and you have nothing to reproach yourself for.
While he might have still loved his ex-wife, it doesn’t mean he loves you any less, says Caroline
Did he love his first wife more than me?
Q My husband’s first wife died recently. She was in her mid 60s and it was unexpected. They were married for 23 years and have two children in their 20s. He is devastated but his distress seems extreme. They had stayed friendly, but they had been divorced for 20 years – we have been together for 12.
His ex’s second husband died some years ago so my husband stepped in to help his children arrange her funeral. I felt this was far too much, as though he is grieving for someone he still loved deeply. It makes me wonder whether he has ever really loved me.
A This is understandably hard for you. A painful truth is that, yes, he probably still loved his ex-wife, certainly as a friend, if not romantically. Remember, too, she was the mother of his children and that does create a lifetime bond.
Perhaps it felt too much to you that he was involved in planning her funeral, but this was probably largely to help his children – losing their mother while only in their 20s must be utterly devastating for them.
What is really important for you to bear in mind is that while he might have still loved his ex-wife, it doesn’t mean he loves you any less. It is possible to love more than one person at once in different ways.
Allow time for your husband’s grief to settle and then ask him gently to talk about it – and perhaps for reassurance.
