Dear Jana,
I’m 27, and my dad has just started dating a 30-year-old.
She’s nice enough, but I can’t shake how uncomfortable it makes me. They met at his gym after my parents’ divorce, and now she comes to family dinners, calls him ‘babe’ – which I find so gross – and talks about their future like she’s always belonged there.
She even occasionally makes unfunny jokes about becoming my step-mum.
My dad insists age is just a number and says I should be happy that he’s found someone who makes him feel young again.
I’m trying, but instead I feel displaced and weirdly protective.
Am I being unfair, or is this just one of those situations that’s always going to feel wrong?
Daddy Issues.
Jana Hocking offers advice to a daughter whose divorced father is dating a younger woman
Dear Daddy Issues,
Oh, girl. I winced reading that.
There is something slightly vomit-inducing about hearing your dad call someone ‘babe’ when she feels close enough to your age that you could have graduated high school together. It just scrambles the brain a bit. Of course it does.
But this isn’t about you being petty or jealous. It’s about watching the man who raised you suddenly behave like a smitten 25-year-old. That can feel destabilising, especially when you’re still adjusting to your parents’ divorce.
A classic case of midlife crisis, if you will.
Now, is it possible this is a classic post-divorce glow-up? Absolutely. Man joins gym, meets confident younger woman, feels young again. It’s a tale as old as time.
But here’s the part that’s hard to swallow: he’s allowed to date her, and you’re allowed to feel weird about it at the same time.
The step-mum jokes would grate on me, too. They don’t feel playful – they feel like she’s making a claim on territory that isn’t hers.
If you have a younger step-mother crossing boundaries with her ‘jokes’ about dating Dad, Jana recommends you respond with a quip of your own: ‘Ick!’ (Stock image posed by models)
You don’t have to laugh along if it makes your skin crawl. You can calmly joke back ‘ick!’ That should send a clear enough message that you don’t enjoy quips like that.
If she wants to play step-mum, she might have to lean into that age-old stereotype: the kids aren’t necessarily going to be a fan!
But I wouldn’t waste your energy trying to predict how this ends. Sometimes these relationships flame out, sometimes they don’t. Assuming it’s doomed might make you feel better in the short term, but it won’t help you navigate the now.
The more you push back, the more your father may cling to her just to prove a point. Parents can be surprisingly stubborn when they feel judged.
So step back a little. Your 20s are a time to be a little selfish and focus solely on your life. Concentrate on your career, friends and travel. Let this play out without letting it take over your life.
You don’t have to love the situation. You don’t even have to fully understand it. You just don’t have to let it take up so much space in your head.
And if nothing else, this will one day become a wildly entertaining chapter in your family history.
Let it play out on its own. Trust me.
Dear Jana,
I recently discovered my husband has an app on his phone that looks like a calculator but is actually a vault.
It requires a code, and when I asked him about it, he brushed it off and said it’s ‘just for boring admin stuff’ and that everyone at his work uses it to keep the boss out of their business and away from their work emails and phones.
But he’s become incredibly protective of his phone, takes it into the bathroom, and panicked the last time I picked it up to check the time.
I’m torn between respecting his privacy and feeling sick that there’s an entire hidden part of his life I’m locked out of.
Do I push to see what’s inside, or accept that asking might blow things up?
Hiding in Plain Sight.
Dear Hiding in Plain Sight,
I’m just going to say it: my gut feeling says he’s up to no good.
Now, before anyone screams ‘privacy!’ at me, let’s be clear: having privacy is normal. Acting like you’re smuggling nuclear codes every time your spouse picks up your phone is not.
A calculator vault app on its own can be suspicious but explainable. I know of one particular government-owned company whose employees are encouraged to use it.
However… a calculator vault app combined with bathroom phone trips, panic when you get near their device, and a rehearsed ‘everyone at work uses it’ speech? That’s where my eyebrow goes up.
The fact is, when something truly is boring admin, people don’t guard it like state secrets. They usually show you a glimpse just to calm your fears.
His sudden tension around something that is supposedly unimportant is suspect.
You already know something isn’t right here. That feeling in your stomach isn’t coming from nowhere. The change in his behaviour seems off because it is.
Could it be harmless? Possibly. It may be work gossip or fantasy football stuff. Men can be oddly secretive about the most mundane things.
But secrecy plus defensiveness plus a digital vault designed specifically to hide affairs (sorry, that’s why a lot of people use it) is not normal behaviour.
Here’s what I would not do: I would not turn into Sherlock Holmes and try to crack the code in the middle of the night. Once you cross the line into covert investigation mode, you can’t come back from it.
And if you find something awful, you may do something impulsive you’ll later regret.
You need to talk to him about this, but frame it about his behaviour and how it makes you feel – not the app.
Instead of saying, ‘What are you hiding on that calculator?’, try this:
‘Your reaction when I picked up your phone unsettled me. It made me feel like there’s a part of your life I’m not allowed to see. How would you feel if I did that?’
If he cares about your marriage, he will listen. If he doubles down, you can take that as confirmation he has something lurking in that vault app.
Dear Jana,
I’m recently divorced and met a man online who lives in Russia.
We talk every day, video call constantly, and he makes me feel happy in a way I haven’t in years.
(Yes, Heated Rivalry may have played a part in this newfound crush. Ilya for life.)
Recently, he started talking about moving to Australia and has suggested applying for a de facto partner visa through our relationship. He says it’s about love and building a future, but I can’t ignore how quickly this has escalated.
Am I getting swept up in the romance when this man is using me for residency?
International Love.
Dear International Love,
Ilya for life, indeed. That man speaking Russian under the bridge had me swooning like a hormonal teenager, so I get it.
But girl… you’ve been d**kmatised – hypnotised by horniness. Yes, you are absolutely getting swept up in the romance.
Don’t beat yourself up. This kind of attention can feel intoxicating after divorce or a love drought. Of course you’re tempted to believe it’s fate.
The good news is your gut tapped you on the shoulder before you started paying for a migration lawyer. So let’s take a breath and slow this down.
You should not need to apply for a de facto visa to keep talking to this man.
If he’s serious, he can come to Australia on his own dime for a holiday. Anyone can apply for a tourism visa. He can scope out the place to see if he likes it, and you can also road test what life would look like together.
We all know that text banter and longing video calls do not automatically translate to real-life chemistry. Anyone who’s been on a Tinder date will tell you that.
If this man genuinely wants to build a life with you, he’ll be patient. There’s no need to rush into residency before you’ve even met in person. Urgency can feel romantic at times, but you are right to be cautious.
Don’t let that fantasy of your international romance lead you to signing something you might regret one day.
No de facto visas until you are actually that – de facto.
