‘My husband doesn’t find me attractive anymore after I had children’: Men won’t admit it because it makes them look so bad, but it’s a huge unspoken problem says TRACEY COX. Here’s what to do if yours is one of them

Few men would ever admit to finding their partner less physically attractive after children but it’s an increasingly common problem for long-term couples.

Some because they don’t want to hurt the woman they love; others because they’re not entirely aware that’s what’s happened.

For most though, admitting losing attraction for a wife who went through the pregnancies and brought up their children seems unfair and most definitely not ‘woke’.

To say he wished she’d lose weight or dress sexier and get ‘done up’ like she used to seems, well, anti-women.

It might well be, but this is exactly what a lot of men wish for.

This is not a new problem but it’s still one that is rarely talked about.

I spoke to both men and women to find out how it feels on both ends. Here’s what they told me.

Few men would ever admit to finding their partner less physically attractive after children but it’s an increasingly common problem for long-term couples, writes TRACEY COX (pictured)

‘I’m proud of what my body achieved physically; he just seems disappointed at what motherhood did to me’

Hannah, 45, has two children and a husband who no longer ‘sees her’.

‘I vividly remember the first time I sensed his interest had gone. My youngest son was about six months old. I was standing in the kitchen in a nursery bra, maternity leggings, hair unwashed and no makeup on. My boobs were still enormous, and I didn’t have a top on, just my bra. 

‘My husband LOVED my breasts before I got pregnant, he never let a chance go by of touching them. But he walked past me to get to the kettle and…nothing. No touching, no pretend grab of my boobs. It was like he didn’t even see me. Or, worse, that he didn’t want to touch me anymore because I wasn’t appealing to him.

‘My instincts were right. My husband would never admit this but it’s true: he stopped finding me attractive after I had children.

No-one warns you about this. You get lots of information on giving birth, postnatal depression, how tired you’ll be and how to breastfeed. But nobody sits you down and says ‘Listen, it’s quite possible that your husband won’t fancy you after you have children. 

‘Your body will change and you will change and looking good and having sex will all seem so unimportant to you once babies come. But just because you stop caring what you look like doesn’t mean he won’t care. You can kid yourself he hasn’t noticed but he will.’

The love didn’t disappear, but the desire did. He used to watch me when I got undressed for bed. Now there’s not even a glance. He doesn’t initiate sex anymore. Even when I hint that I’d be up for it, he doesn’t take me up on the offer. 

‘I remember a friend saying, “Don’t worry you’ll lose all that weight”, in front of him, about a year after the first baby. He smiled and said, “She’ll get her body back!”. But I never did. 

‘He never criticises my appearance directly but he comments on celebrities and friends who “really look after themselves”. I get the message.

‘I don’t think it’s just about how I look though. The first birth wasn’t easy and he was shocked by how brutal it was. I tore badly and was in agony. I suspect he hasn’t moved past seeing ‘what happened down there’.

‘I know he felt abandoned after children. My life revolved around him, now he hardly gets a look in. I read an article where a man said, “She stopped being a wife once she became a mother”. He would agree with that, I’m sure. He’s just too nice to say it out loud or criticise me.

I also think he struggles with putting “erotic” and “mother” in the same thought. When I breastfed our children, he would look the other way and seem disturbed by it. Like it would be wrong to see a mother as a sexy woman.

‘The other thing they don’t tell you is that children provide so much physicality, you don’t miss not getting it from your husband. There’s so much squeezing and hugging and sensuality between mother and child. You don’t just love your children; you’re in love with them.

‘Truth is, even if I knew what would happen between us as husband and wife, I’d still opt for having children. He knows that as well.’

‘Why doesn’t she WANT to look attractive again? No wonder so many men have affairs.’

Nicolas is 42 and his wife is 39. They have a five-year-old daughter.

‘I know I’ll be attacked for this but I’m a nice guy and a supportive husband. I know it’s difficult being a mother and I didn’t expect my wife to pay any attention to her appearance for at least a year after the birth of our child. But it’s now been five years, and I know things are never going to change.

‘Before she had my daughter, my wife was extremely sexy and attractive. She had a great body, knew it and showed it off. She also worked hard at it: she ate healthily and exercised. She was always the best-looking woman in the room.

She is now three stone heavier than she was (and she’s quite short). She’s almost unrecognisable. It’s not just the weight; she no longer puts on makeup, does her hair or makes any effort to look attractive. She doesn’t work and we only have one child, so it’s not like she doesn’t have time. 

‘She pulls on the same trackpants and stained T-shirt every day, pulls her hair back and that’s it for the day. When we go out, she wears frumpy, tent-like dresses that she wouldn’t have been seen dead in before.

‘It’s not just the way she looks, either. She can be affectionate but if there’s even a hint that I might be wanting sex, she withdraws immediately. We’ve had sex 20 times in five years and we haven’t had any sex at all for a year. 

‘To be perfectly frank, I don’t want to have sex with her anymore because I don’t find her at all attractive. I love her but she is no longer sexually appealing. To any man, I’d imagine, not just me!

‘I kept quiet about this for years. I mean, how do you say “Hey, I don’t fancy you anymore”. But recently, I tried talking to her and it ended in a massive argument with her stomping off in tears. 

‘She called me an “insensitive p***k” for even questioning her weight gain. “Can’t you see how exhausted, stressed and unhinged I am already?” was her answer. Why is she so stressed? Our daughter is five years old and no trouble. We have a cleaner. What’s stressing her out?

‘Why doesn’t she WANT to look attractive again? Her friends have all gone down the same path. They also look awful since they had children.

‘We had a BBQ a week ago and all the men were having beers while cooking the steaks. We were watching our wives play with the kids and I looked at all the other men to see if they could see what I could. Four women in their late thirties/early 40s who used to be very attractive, now looking like our mothers rather than our partners. 

‘I didn’t dare broach the topic. It’s not just our partners we can’t admit this to; it’s other parents as well. I would be judged. And how could I trust them not to pass on such a juicy piece of gossip? That I don’t find my wife attractive anymore and it’s all because of having kids.

‘This is happening to so many couples, but no-one talks about it. No wonder so many men have affairs.’

You’ll find more from Tracey at traceycox.com.