Dear Jana,
My wife has become obsessed with Botox and filler, and I barely recognise her anymore.
It started small, just a forehead tweak here and there, but now it’s lips, cheeks, jawline, chin…
Every few months, she comes home looking slightly different, and not in a good way.
I don’t want to hurt her feelings or come across as controlling, but if I’m being honest, I’m finding her less attractive. Her face looks frozen, almost mask-like, and nothing like the woman I married.
Even her mother thinks she’s gone too far. When I delicately tried to mention it, she said, ‘There are plenty of husbands who like this look, you know.’ Honestly, it felt like a threat.
Where do I go from here? I’m worried if I bring it up again, she’ll seriously consider leaving me.
Missing My Wife’s Face.
Mail columnist Jana Hocking gives advice to a man who is worried about his wife’s Botox habit
‘Every few months, she comes home looking different, and not in a good way’ (stock image)
Dear Missing My Wife’s Face,
As someone who has personally got a little carried away with Botox and filler myself, my biggest piece of advice to you is this: give it time.
After spending far too long staring at my own face on those horrid Zoom calls during lockdown, the first place I went when we were allowed out again was a cosmetic clinic. I dropped $2,000 on cheek and lip filler, plus Botox anywhere they felt like putting it.
I walked out looking like a pin cushion. And for the first month, I loved it. I loved not being able to move my face. Honestly! But then I started really looking at photos of myself with other people, not just carefully angled selfies, and to say I was horrified would be an understatement.
It just took a while to land. What your wife is likely feeling right now is the euphoria of a ‘new face’. The tricky thing with cosmetic procedures is that it takes time to work out where your personal boundary is. It can be trial and error, especially when you’re chasing that fresh, confident feeling.
It’s exactly like when women first start getting spray tans. You begin with a light one, then suddenly you’re complaining that ‘ultra dark’ isn’t dark enough. It’s only months later, when you look back at photos, that you realise you looked utterly ridiculous.
I had people telling me for months that I’d gone too far before I finally saw it myself. And that’s the key point here. The more you push her, the more defensive she’s likely to become. Nagging will only make her dig her heels in further.
So my advice is to let this play out. Most women eventually pull back and find a balance they’re happy with. She’s likely just in that excitable, overdoing-it phase, and chances are she’ll rein it in once the novelty wears off.
Dating in your late thirties and beyond is a whole different sport to dating in your twenties, Jana says (stock image)
For now, keep the focus on reassurance rather than criticism. Let her arrive at the realisation on her own. In this situation, patience will do far more than honesty delivered too soon.
Dear Jana,
I’m 39 and dating feels harder now than it ever has.
I used to get excited before dates, but now I feel sick with anxiety every time. My heart races, I overthink everything I say, and by the end of the night I’m overanalysing every interaction.
I think it’s because I’ve failed to keep someone interested for a decent amount of time and now my self-esteem is in pieces. Each date seems to make it worse. The men are emotionally unavailable, flaky, or clearly still hung up on their ex-wives, and I can’t tell if the problem is them or me.
I’m starting to dread dating altogether, but I don’t want to give up on love. Is this just modern dating burnout, or is there something wrong with me?
Almost Over It.
Dear Anxious and Almost Over It,
Girl, preach. What you’re describing is painfully familiar to a huge number of women in their late 30s and early 40s. Trust me, I’ve been there. There is nothing wrong with you, and you’re definitely not alone.
What we tend to forget is that dating now is a completely different sport to dating in our 20s. Back then, no one had been divorced yet, no one had kids, no one was traumatised by an ex who blindsided them or ghosted them after three years.
We were all a little more open and optimistic, and far less guarded. Now, the simple fact is, you’re dating people who come with history. Some of that history has made them wiser and more self-aware, but a lot of it has made them emotionally unavailable, overly cautious, and let’s be honest, sometimes clinging to the past.
None of that baggage makes you undesirable, it just makes the pool harder to swim in.
When things don’t work out time and time again, it’s easy to start assuming that you’re the common denominator – when the reality is that you’ve just been meeting the wrong people at the wrong time.
It sounds like you’re drawn to the same men as I am. Unfortunately, so many women are. I recently had to admit to myself that I was actively seeking out emotionally unavailable men. I was like a bull charging at a red flag.
I’ve always thought I could fix them – and I’ll admit I love a challenge. But what a waste of time. What I really needed to do was figure out how to spot a red flag and exit early before I got too swept up in the chaos of it all.
I actually think a short break could do you a world of good. No dramatic ‘I’m giving up on love forever’ break, but a conscious pause where you stop putting yourself in situations that make you feel sick with dread. Use that time to reconnect with yourself and build your confidence back up.
When you do return to dating, try changing the goal. Instead of asking yourself whether they like you, ask whether you even enjoy being around them. That simple shift can take a lot of pressure off and put you back in the driver’s seat.
You haven’t failed at love. You’re just dating in a time of life where people are more complicated. There is nothing wrong with you for finding that difficult. Be gentle with yourself.
The right connection won’t leave you feeling like you’re always auditioning for approval.
Dear Jana,
I think my new girlfriend might be a psychopath, and I don’t say that lightly.
When we first started dating, she was charming, funny and intense in a way that felt exciting. But once we made things official, she started casually telling me stories about her exes that unsettled me.
She laughed about hiding prawn shells in a boyfriend’s curtain rods so his house stank for weeks. Then she told me she slashed another ex’s tyres because he ghosted her.
She insists they ‘deserved it’ and says she only gets like that when she’s hurt.
She’s never done anything like that to me, but now I can’t stop wondering what would happen if I ever tried to end the relationship.
Am I being dramatic, or should I be running for the hills?
Sleeping with One Eye Open.
Dear Sleeping with One Eye Open,
Abort mission. This woman is a walking red flag.
She’s telling you exactly who she is – just disguising it as ‘funny stories’ and hoping you’ll mistake it for honesty or intensity. But there’s a pattern in what she’s sharing.
When she feels rejected or hurt, she retaliates. Not with words, but with actions that are designed to punish and unsettle. The fact she laughs about it now and insists her exes deserved it should worry you more than the prawn shells or slashed tyres.
You’re not being dramatic for wondering what would happen if you ever tried to leave her. That little alarm bell going off is a very real warning.
If you’re going to get out of this, you need to be smart about how you do it. This is not the situation for an emotional conversation, honesty about your concerns, or a big ‘this isn’t working for me’ breakdown.
People who behave like this don’t take rejection well, especially when they feel like they’re losing control.
This is where the ‘grey rock’ approach comes in – and it’s sound advice for anyone trying to disengage from narcissists or people who seem to thrive on drama. The idea is simple: you slowly make yourself boring.
You stop engaging in deep conversations. You don’t rise to bait. You don’t explain yourself, defend yourself, or react emotionally. You keep things polite, neutral and strictly surface-level. Over time, the dynamic loses its spark because there’s nothing left for the other person to feed off.
When you do end it, keep it short and simple. No long explanations, no discussions about her behaviour, and certainly no attempts to make her understand. Something as simple as saying you don’t feel the relationship is right for you anymore is enough. Then you step back quietly and stay gone. Strictly no follow-up chats.
This isn’t about being cruel or cowardly. It’s about protecting yourself. With people like this, the danger isn’t always the relationship itself, it’s the fallout when it ends.
So yes, trust your instincts. Get out, but do it calmly and carefully.
And whatever you do, don’t stick around long enough to become the next ‘funny story’ she tells someone else.
