Dear Jana,
I’ve started dating a man whose wife died three years ago.
He’s kind, funny and I can genuinely see a future with him. The problem is, I feel like I’m competing with his late wife.
His home is still full of photos of her, he wears his wedding ring on a chain, and sometimes he talks about her in a way that makes me wonder if he’ll ever move on.
I’m not sure how to feel about it.
Deep down, I feel like a second choice, but I also don’t want to punish him for missing his wife deeply.
I never thought I’d date a widower, so I just don’t know what to do. I almost feel selfish for having these feelings of jealousy.
Love After Loss
A woman dating a young widower asks DailyMail+ columnist Jana Hocking if it’s normal for him to wear his old wedding ring on a chain and keep pictures of his late wife around the house
Dear Love After Loss,
Girl. You might not think it, but you’re in the dream dating scenario. He has an ex he can never get back with. Sorry, I know that sounds a little grim – but it’s true!
Who cares if he’s basically got a shrine to her? It’s quite sweet really. If he can love a woman that much, with time, there’s absolutely no reason he can’t love you the same.
What you’re saying isn’t proof he’ll never love again. It’s proof that he can.
It shows he is capable of deep, enduring love – and that’s a wonderful quality.
What you need to ask yourself is this: is his grief a museum you’re wandering around forever, or is it an old exhibition that’s slowly making space for something new?
If he’s still living in the mausoleum of his marriage, then yes, you’ll always feel like an intruder. But if the ring on the chain is just a marker of respect, then you’re not second best – you’re next.
So no, you’re not competing with a ghost. You’re just dating a man who’s proved he can hold love and loss in the same hand. And that means you’ve found a keeper.
‘This isn’t proof he’ll never love again, it’s proof he can,’ writes agony aunt Jana (stock image)
Dear Jana,
I recently found out my wife, in her late forties, pays for a younger male colleague’s OnlyFans account. Not some anonymous stranger online – her actual co-worker.
She forgot to log out on her laptop one evening and I saw it all – including the subscription tier she’s on and how much she has spent on ‘tips’.
I have no idea if she actually knows this man – she works for a big company and is in a more senior position to him – but the fact he’s the only person she subscribes to makes me feel ill.
And his content unsettles me.
His videos are all about being dominant and sleeping with married women. It’s essentially a cheating fantasy for wives bored by their husbands.
I feel so crushed that I haven’t told anyone, not even my closest friends. When I confronted her about it, she insisted it wasn’t cheating because ‘it’s just online’ and ‘no different to the porn you watch’.
For the record, I haven’t watched porn in years.
I feel so disrespected, and yet she maintains she has done nothing wrong. Am I wrong in thinking this is a betrayal?
Not a Fan
Dear Not a Fan,
It’s giving Baby Girl, it’s giving ‘better call HR’, it’s giving middle-aged and horny.
But mostly, it’s giving disrespect. She knows it, I know it, and deep down you definitely know it.
What I find most intriguing about this column is that whenever readers ask me a question, I feel deep down, you already know the answer – you just need back up.
And I’ll 100 per cent back you on this one. Because not only is she being disrespectful to you, she’s also being completely inappropriate with this junior employee.
(Side note: I wouldn’t be surprised if this ‘junior’ is now raking in more money than your wife: his specific OnlyFans niche is kind of genius.)
Also, it’s probably worth mentioning to her that OnlyFans creators can see who their subscribers are. It’s not anonymous. If he keeps track of his big tippers – and these people usually do – there’s a very good chance he’s aware she’s watching.
A man feels disrespected after finding out his wife subscribes to a male colleague on OnlyFans
‘Porn’s one thing, but getting off on someone you know? No, no – not today, Satan,’ Jana writes
I mean, from his point of view, it must be nice knowing the lady in the boardroom upstairs is helping to pay his rent. But from a professional perspective, it’s not appropriate. At all.
There’s no denying your wife is gaslighting you with this ‘no different to the porn you watch’ nonsense, so let’s not ignore that either.
You’re not wrong in thinking this is a betrayal, so it’s time to put some boundaries in place. Porn is one thing – and I appreciate you say you don’t watch it – but getting off on someone you know? Someone you work with? No, no – not today, Satan.
Call her out on it, tell her it’s deeply disrespectful, and pray to God she’s not already sleeping with him in real life.
Because I don’t want to make you paranoid here, but I wouldn’t be surprised…
Dear Jana,
My husband has been asked to be ‘man of honour’ for his life-long female friend.
Lovely in theory, messy in practice, I feel. The hen’s weekend is three nights in a shared villa, and he’ll be the only man staying with ten bridesmaids – pool parties, late-night drinks, shared rooms, the works.
He thinks it’s hilarious and says I’m being controlling for telling him I’m uncomfortable. I trust him, but I can’t shake the unease.
Am I allowed to have boundaries here, or do I need to swallow my feelings to avoid looking like the jealous wife?
Paranoid Wife
Dear Paranoid Wife,
Okay, please don’t take this the wrong way, but… your husband clearly has some good feminine energy for a bride to want him at her hen’s party.
But you’re also not mad or paranoid for feeling uneasy. In fact, it would be odd if you didn’t feel a flicker of discomfort at the thought of your husband spending three nights in a villa with ten tipsy bridesmaids.
It pokes at something primal in us. But here’s the crucial bit: there’s a difference between acknowledging that feeling and acting on it.
I don’t think this is a ‘boundary-worthy’ situation. Boundaries are designed to protect yourself from behaviour that genuinely harms you, not micromanaging situations that are merely uncomfortable in theory.
If you trust him like you say, then the boundary here isn’t telling him ‘no’ – it’s reminding yourself you don’t need to worry about a hypothetical worst-case scenario.
I mean, do you really think he’s going to bonk 10 bridesmaids and finish with the bride? He’s probably going to be roped into holding handbags, refereeing squabbles over pool floaties, and being the butt of every ‘token bloke’ joke.
It won’t be glamorous or sexy like you imagine. So why not embrace the absurdity of it all?
If you say no, it just makes you look exactly like what he says you are – controlling.
You say you trust him, so I’m afraid you’re just going to have to… trust him this time.
Here’s a tip from me: organise something fun with your own girlfriends that weekend. Distraction, distraction, distraction – so you don’t spiral.
