Finding out your spouse is cheating on you is heartbreaking enough. But knowing they did it with a family member? That’s infinitely worse, and comes with its own complicated mess of problems.
For one woman, that reality hit close to home when her sister confessed that her husband had kissed her during a drunken evening. She didn’t hesitate long before deciding the betrayal was enough to end the marriage, though some of her family think that’s far too harsh. So she took to Reddit to ask for advice.
Read the full story below, alongside a conversation with clinical psychologist Forrest Talley, Ph.D., about infidelity in the family—and how to move on from something like this.
One woman’s heart was shattered when she discovered her husband had cheated on her
Image credits: George Milton (not the actual photo)
And to make it worse, the other person was her own sister
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)
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When a betrayal like that comes from within the family, the pain doubles
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A situation like this causes double the pain for the one who gets cheated on. The betrayal doesn’t just come from the husband, it comes from the sister as well, making it all the more crushing when the two were so close. As the woman herself writes, “Usually, if we needed to talk, we turned to each other,” which speaks to just how deep their bond ran.
All infidelity involves a betrayal of trust. When infidelity includes a close family member, then trust is doubly broken. By one’s spouse and also by the sister, brother, cousin, etc. This is an even greater burden for the one who has been betrayed,” clinical psychologist Forrest Talley tells Bored Panda.
The previously close relationship between the sisters only makes things more complicated. “This hurt will be much worse if the familial relationship between the one who was betrayed and the one who committed infidelity was especially close or very competitive,” Talley explains.
In some cases, siblings may also share a rivalry. When that’s the dynamic, “the ego is even more bruised than it otherwise would be,” Talley says. “The betrayed individual feels even worse as he/she concludes that once again their competitor has won.”
Not only is the marriage broken, but so is the sibling relationship—and rebuilding that trust, if at all possible, will likely be difficult
Image credits: Antoni Shkraba (not the actual photo)
For those hoping to salvage their marriage after infidelity, Talley says couples counseling gives them the best shot. “The one who was unfaithful is unlikely to want to take full responsibility for their actions and subsequently do what is necessary to salvage the relationship,” the clinical psychologist explains.
“After all, they have already shown their lack of commitment, and this tepid desire to do the hard work to remain faithful then carries over to a lukewarm effort put into saving the relationship.” A couples counselor can help guide them through that conflict and give the relationship its best chance at moving forward, Talley says.
When a family member is involved, though, there’s an added layer of complexity that doesn’t simply disappear with divorce. As Talley puts it, “When a family member has been unfaithful, it will be especially important to come to peace with that relationship. You can divorce a spouse, leave a significant other, but a family member is connected by multiple familial relationships that you would not want to sever in order to gain distance.”
“There will be family get-togethers, birthday parties, Christmas celebrations, and more wherein both of you are likely to be in attendance. So in this regard, it is important to resolve your feelings of anger, hurt, and betrayal,” Talley emphasizes. “To do this, approach that person when you have the self-discipline to remain calm.”
“Make a list of the most important questions you have that need to be answered, in order for you to feel that you have a clear sense of what motivated them and how it was that they decided to betray you. Also, decide what it is you wish to say to them—this is your chance to assert yourself,” Talley advises.
That said, talking it out with the sibling has more to do with gaining clarity rather than healing. “With clarity, healing may occur, but it is just as likely that you will conclude that this family member is not someone who will any longer be part of your innermost circle. In that case, you are best served by treating them cordially but keeping them at a distance,” Talley says.
Research shows that most marriages don’t survive infidelity
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As for the marriage itself, Talley says research shows that infidelity ends most relationships—and he’s not surprised. “This makes perfect sense,” he says. “Why stay in a relationship wherein your spouse or significant other has shown themselves to be untrustworthy?”
“Although some may reply that ‘It was a one-time lapse in judgment,’ this idea does not align with research showing that those who cheat once are three times more likely than their non-cheating counterparts to continue to be unfaithful.”
For that reason, moving on is often the wisest path. “With this in mind, it is most often best to separate from someone who has been unfaithful,” Talley adds. “Fear of the unknown is a primary obstacle that keeps people from separating and building a new future.”
“As with most fears, the key to moving forward is to take action in spite of your worries. Having done so, you will very quickly feel more confident and optimistic about the future.”
The author later shared more details in the comments
Readers who weighed in agreed that her reaction was justified
