A leading sex therapist has claimed that sex outside of your marriage could be the very thing that keeps your relationship together – as long as it’s consensual.
Speaking on the podcast Nope, We’re Not Monogamous, Dr Tammy Nelson, a board-certified sexologist and licensed therapist with 35 years’ experience, said that non-monogamy could strengthen intimacy and communication between partners.
‘Open relationships can actually improve your marriage,’ she said, explaining that successful non-monogamy depends on honesty, clarity and mutual agreements, not secrecy or infidelity.
‘You can actually stay together and have a committed partnership with someone and still be emotionally or sexually or romantically involved with other people.’
Dr Nelson, author of Open Monogamy, argued that traditional expectations around marriage are outdated, especially for women, who she said are often left unsatisfied.
‘Women are bored with marriage much sooner than men,’ she said. ‘It’s much less rewarding for women. We’ve taken on more roles, it’s frustrating, and we get tired of the sex.’
In her view, the monogamous nuclear family model ‘was kind of an experiment,’ she said. ‘It worked when we lived to be a certain age… [but now] that experiment is over.’
Instead, Dr Nelson proposes a model she calls ‘open monogamy’ which involves having a primary partner but with a flexible, mutually agreed arrangement.
Leading sex therapist Dr Tammy Nelson (pictured) claims that stepping outside of your marriage – consensually – could be the very thing that keeps your relationship together
This might include anything from sharing fantasies and watching adult content together to having sexual or emotional connections with others.
‘There’s a monogamy continuum,’ she explained, ‘from traditionally monogamous but open about fantasies, all the way to total relationship anarchy.’
But the US-based expert warned that non-monogamy is not a fix for a broken relationship. ‘Opening a relationship is not a way to fix your relationship,’ she said. ‘If it’s broken, it’s only going to get worse.’
She encourages couples to talk first about what’s not working – not just jump to conclusions. ‘So many arguments and hurts can be avoided if they would take the problem to their partner, not the solution,’ she said.
When the idea of opening a relationship is introduced, reactions can be emotional. ‘What the hell?’ is a common response, Dr Nelson acknowledged. ‘We might want to ask: what are you thinking that you might lose?’
She explained that there are four key resources in a relationship – ‘time, attention, affection and sex’ – and often, jealousy or discomfort arises from a fear that one of these is at risk.
However, Dr Nelson said that even bringing up non-monogamy can spark new interest between long-term partners.
‘Now you are making eye contact, you are paying attention to each other,’ she said. ‘You’re sort of seeing each other from a different perspective, like, “I don’t really know you… who the hell are you?”
Dr Nelson, author of Open Monogamy, argued that traditional expectations around marriage are outdated, especially for women, who she said are often left unsatisfied (File image)
Communication, Dr Nelson said, is key – not just at the beginning, but throughout the relationship. ‘You always get more of what you appreciate,’ she added. ‘
Start off with what’s already working… Even if you haven’t had sex in 20 years, you can say, “Remember that time in the shower? That was fun.”‘
Dr Nelson encouraged couples to explore their desires together before acting on them, through ‘what if’ conversations.
‘Talk about fantasies before you take anything into action,’ she advised. ‘Ask: What if we did this – how could this benefit us, and what could be the risks?’
And while she acknowledged that jealousy is real, Dr Nelson doesn’t believe it should be dismissed as personal insecurity.
‘Jealousy can be the canary in the coal mine,’ she said. ‘It’s an intuitive hint that this is not working for me and I don’t like this.’
Dr Nelson also challenged gendered assumptions about infidelity and desire. ‘Men don’t just want sex, and women don’t just want love,’ she said. ‘Women will cheat – we just don’t tell anyone.’
Dr Nelson believes jealousy should not be dismissed as personal insecurity
In fact, while researching her book When You’re the One Who Cheats, she set up anonymous profiles on dating site Ashley Madison.
The messages she received surprised her: ‘As a man, women sent me lingerie photos and just wanted sex. As a woman, the men wanted an emotional connection, texting every day – basically a girlfriend experience.’
Throughout the episode, host Ellecia Paine and Dr Nelson discussed how non-monogamy can take many forms and doesn’t always mean multiple partners or dramatic changes.
‘It’s not just off or on,’ Dr Nelson said. ‘Install a dimmer switch. Create the mood, define the rules and change them over time.’
She added that mismatched desires are common, not just in non-monogamous couples. ‘Everyone has a monogamy gap,’ she said, referring to the differences in how individuals define commitment, sex or exclusivity. ‘We assume we want the same things, but we learned about relationships differently from different parents.’
She encourages couples to ‘renew their monogamy agreement’ regularly, just like a driver’s licence, and to keep conversations about needs, values and boundaries ongoing.
Ultimately, Dr Nelson says that talking honestly about sex, commitment and fantasy is the best way to stay connected. ‘To improve the sex that you have, you have to understand the sex that you want.’
And as for what happens when one partner enjoys their open experience a bit too much, Dr Nelson laughed: ‘Men usually want to close it first. And the women say: Nope – you opened Pandora’s box, it’s open now.’
