There are two kinds of people in the world: those who enjoy dirty jokes and those who pretend not to. When cheesy, overused jokes no longer make you laugh as an adult, it’s probably time to upgrade to bolder humor.
Inappropriate jokes are meant for entertaining grown-ups only (no kids allowed!), offering a mix of risqué, clever, and unexpected humor.
We’ve put together a list of the funniest and most “wrong” inappropriate jokes that push every boundary in the best way. Some we’ve picked straight from fan-favorite comedians.
As you read, you can vote for your favorite inappropriate joke and let the dirtiest one win!
#1
Two nuns are riding their bicycles down a cobblestone road. One looks around and says to the other, “I don’t think I’ve ever come this way before.” The other replies, “Must be the cobblestones.”
—u/EBFG493
#2
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the V****a. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
—u/cooper284
#3
How can you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It’s not hard.
—u/HellzBellz7
#4
Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?
She sat on Pinocchio’s face and said, “Lie to me! Lie to me!”
#5
Two eggs are boiling in a pan. One of them says, “I’ve got a huge crack.” The other replies, “Stop teasing me, I’m not hard yet.”
#6
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.
#7
What’s the favorite flower of a lesbian?
Two lips.
—kristenandeastwood
#8
Two sperm are swimming side by side. One says to the other, “How far are we from fallopian tubes?” To which the other replies, “I don’t know, but we just passed the esophagus.”
#9
“[Do] you guys ever get down on your knees and thank God you’re not a ped****e? They didn’t choose that — they got dealt a bad hand. Think about how close we all were. When I was in third grade, I was attracted to third-grade girls. Now, I like adult women. When I was in third grade, I liked grape juice. Now, I like red wine, but I still like grape juice. Holly hell, that was close!”
—Mark Normand
#10
What’s better than roses on a piano? Tulips on your organ.
—u/WalnutSnail
#11
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“It’s cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?”
—u/Drooge
#12
What did one traffic light say to the other?
Look away, I’m changing!
#13
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged.
#14
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean.”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.” The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “You know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: “If I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.” The young man replies, “If you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
—u/HanzEmil
#15
A man visits his doctor and says he needs a double dose of v****a
Doctor wouldn’t allow it. Man asks “why not?”
“Because it is not safe” says the doctor. The man pleaded with the doctor, saying he really, really needed it. The doctor asks him why. The man said, “my girlfriend is coming into town on Friday. My ex-wife is coming into on Saturday. And my wife is returning in Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose of V****a”
Finally the doctor relented but said he needed to check him on Monday morning to see if he had any side effects of the double dose of V****a.
On Monday the man dragged himself in, his arm in a sling. The doctor asked “what happened to you?”
The man said, “no one showed up.”
—u/Mead_Create_Drink
#16
I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a h****r. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
—Rodney Dangerfield
#17
What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A man will actually search for a golf ball.
#18
A couple on their first date decide to go to his place afterwards. When they arrive, before he even gets the house keys out of his pocket, the girl says, “You know, I can actually tell whether the man I’m dating and I are compatible just based on how he opens the door. If he busts it open, it means that he’s a selfish lover, and that’s definitely not someone I’m interested in. If he drops the keys, it means that he’s inexperienced in bed, and that’s not who I’m looking for either. So how do you open the door?”
“Well,” says the guy, “I’ll just lick the lock first if you don’t mind.”
—u/Upstate_Gooner_1972
#19
Did you hear about the guy who died of a V****a overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.
#20
An elephant walked up to a man on a nudist beach and asked, “How do you eat with that?”
—AmericanMadeBro
#21
Once you go Black, you will never go back.
—Steve Harvey
#22
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can’t hear an enzyme.
#23
Two married couples went on a weekend vacation together. As the weekend passed, and they were having a good time, one of them said, “You know what I always wanted to try was that partner-swapping thing.” As they all glanced at each other, they then decided to just go for it.
A couple hours later after some mad, passionate love-making, one of the guys exclaimed, “I can’t believe I waited this long to do this. That was amazing…I wonder how the girls are doing.”
—u/cplcarlman
#24
Have you heard about the new V****a and prune juice diet? You can’t tell if you’re coming or going!
—u/ahab_ahoy
#25
What is Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out?
Wendy’s.
#26
Bob was mowing his yard when he saw his neighbor walking past with duck tape. Bob asked, “Whatcha doin’ with that tape?” His neighbor replied, “I’m gonna catch some ducks,” and continued onwards. Later, he returned with ducks wrapped in his tape!
The next day, Bob sees his neighbor walking past with a monkey wrench. Bob asks “Whatcha doin’ with that monkey wrench?” He replies, “I’m gonna catch some monkeys” and continues onwards. Later he returns with monkeys.
The next day, Bob sees his neighbor walking past with some pussywillows. Bob says, “Wait, let me get my hat!”
—u/roldoBaggins
#27
What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.
#28
What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?
They both get close enough to smell the goods but if they eat it they’ll be in trouble.
—u/realbestusernameever
#29
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn’t pay $50 to have a lentil on my face.
—u/Gingi0
#30
A newlywed couple meets with the pastor of a church they’re interested in joining. After talking with him for a while, the pastor says, “I would love to have you two as members of my church, but there is something I must ask of you before you can join. You have to abstain from s** for two weeks.”
The couple agrees to these terms, and two weeks later they are meeting with the pastor again. “So how did it go?” he asks them.
“Well, we almost made it the full two weeks,” the husband answers, “but yesterday she bent down to pick up a package of frozen vegetables and I was overcome with desire. I just couldn’t help myself.”
The pastor pauses for a moment, then says, “Well I’m sorry, but you are not welcome in my church.”
“I understand,” says the husband. “We’re not welcome in Safeway anymore either.”
—u/GrumpyCatStevens
#31
What’s the last thing they do to a “Tickle Me” Elmo before placing it in the box?
They give it two test tickles.
—u/Marquisdesademoji
#32
An old man went for a physical and his wife joined him. The doctor asked for a urine sample, blood sample, fecal sample, and sperm sample. His wife said, “Just give the doctor your underwear, Morty.”
—u/ReddiTurret
#33
“I was kind of depressed today. I read in the newspaper this morning that people could actually make money donating sperm to sperm banks, and that really bothered me because last year alone, I left $5,600 slip through my fingers.”
—Robert Schimmel
#34
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
#35
A man walked into the pharmacy and asked if they sold “those little blue pills.” The cashier said “V****a? Yes we do sir,” and the man asked “Can I get it over the counter?”
The cashier looks him up and down, then says “If you took 3 or 4, maybe.”
—u/Thanatos-lives
#36
A woman is having a friend over, they are sitting in the living room talking when they see her husband coming home from work carrying a bunch of flowers. “Great,” she says “Now I’m going to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air.” Her friend replies, “Well, why don’t you use a vase?”
—u/samstown23
#37
How are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
#38
What’s hot, pink and wet?
A pig in a hot tub.
#39
What’s the difference between light and hard? I can fall asleep with a light on.
—u/FinneyontheWing
#40
What’s the difference between “Oooh!” and “Aaah!”?
About three inches.
#41
A man went to see a lady of the night. The next day, he found out that he had crabs. So he went to her and complained. To which she said, “For $5, what did you expect, lobsters?”
#42
What did Cinderella say to Prince Charming?
“Want to see if it fits?”
#43
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I’ve never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
—u/harplesbian
#44
What’s worse than two girls running with scissors? Two girls scissoring with the runs.
—u/KanersButler
#45
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can? Because his wife died.
—u/liltrigger
#46
Wife: They say behind every good man is a great woman. Can we swap positions tonight?
—tarablairball
#47
What’s the difference between a pregnant lady and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
—drake.kiker
#48
The dove is the bird of peace. Do you know the bird of love?
The swallow.
—u/Fixthatwafflemaker
#49
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
Wet nose.
—jonnykiz_
#50
What kind of a bike do women ride? A menstrual cycle.
—jonnykiz_
#51
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came up and flashed them. One old lady immediately had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach.
—u/Tim-Tim
#52
What did Nala say to Simba in bed?
‘Move fasta (Mufasa)’
#53
My wife asked me to spoon in bed, but I’d rather fork.
#54
Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?
They are handmade.
#55
What goes in dry and comes out wet, the longer you leave it, the stronger it gets. When it comes out, you squeeze it dry, before it goes hard again.
A teabag.
—u/tenaciousofme
#56
What’s the difference between a woman’s husband and her boyfriend?
60 minutes.
#57
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
May I come in?
May I come in who?
May I come in you?
