Struggling to kick that daily tipple? Don’t give up trying, says alcohol mindset coach as she sets out… FOUR simple steps to retrain your brain and cut down on your drinking

Many people are ‘grey drinkers’ who reach for a daily tipple to prop up confidence and relieve stress, according to an extract in yesterday’s Daily Mail of a thought provoking new book by ANNA DONAGHEY, a heavy-drinking advertising exec turned leading alcohol mindset coach. 

But as she reveals today, anyone can cut back – and the rewards could transform your health and your life. 

Change doesn’t begin with a masterplan, it begins with a whisper: could life feel better than this? If you have been thinking about your drinking and feeling less than happy about where you are, it’s time to take action.

But even when we’re deeply ready for something new, that first step can still feel hard. Not because we’re lazy, weak or broken, but because we’re human.

If change was about logic, we’d all make good choices. We’d eat more healthily, exercise daily, quit drinking effortlessly, and never procrastinate. But habitual behaviour – including drinking – is emotional, psychological and deeply ingrained in our identity. And even when we want to change, there’s an invisible force holding us back; a weight, a hesitation, a voice in our ear saying, ‘Maybe not today.’

Here’s the thing, though, about resistance: It isn’t proof that change is impossible. It’s proof that change is unfamiliar.

Think of your brain as a high-tech security system, designed to detect and defend against change. It scans for anything unfamiliar. It sounds the alarm the moment you try to step outside the usual routine. And ultimately it convinces you that staying put is safer than stepping into the unknown.

When you try to change a deeply ingrained habit, like drinking, your brain doesn’t assess whether the change is good or bad. It just knows it’s different. And difference, to the primal brain, often means danger. That’s why resistance shows up. It’s like an overprotective bodyguard standing at the door of your comfort zone.

The moment you attempt to leave, it steps in front of you: ‘Whoa! This is unfamiliar. Are you sure? What if you fail? What if it’s worse on the other side?’

This is not a sign that you’re incapable of change. It’s just your brain doing what it’s designed to do – which is keep you in the familiar, because familiar feels safe.

Have you ever stayed in a bad relationship longer than you should have? Or stuck with a job you hated, even though you knew you could do better? That’s resistance at work.

Even when I knew I was drinking too much, it took me a long time to be able to make the break. The brain prefers familiarity over happiness. This is why we stay in routines that drain us, repeat habits we know aren’t serving us and sabotage ourselves when we’re on the verge of something better.

A lot of people don’t address drinking behaviours – by cutting down or quitting altogether – because these changes involve journeying into uncharted territory. 

Drinking might be all they’ve known for 20, 30, 40 years, and if they give it up, they will be opening up a whole new world. That is scary. It also goes against the grain of what we are taught to believe.

As I explained yesterday, our society is conditioned to thinking happiness and alcohol go hand in hand – the sparkling champagne at a wedding, the beer shared in celebration after a long day – so the one who doesn’t drink is the odd one out.

But alcohol dulls happiness as well as pain. It disrupts each accepted definition of the elements of happiness (physical wellbeing and rest, love and connection, self-worth and purpose).

There are five stages of behaviour change, from recognising ‘a problem’ to making lasting change. In practical terms, it involves preparation, action and maintenance. It happens slowly, by creating new habits over time.

When I gave up drinking my life improved in every single way. I didn’t lose fun or connection. My ambition reignited. I woke up feeling rested, clear-headed and ready for the day. No more mental fog, no more sluggishness, or feeling like I just had to push through.

My anxiety levels dropped dramatically, with better sleep and a more balanced nervous system. Better sleep (the root of so much), better diet and more exercise all contributed to weight loss. And over time, I noticed a quiet robustness returning – in my body, yes, but also in my mind. I felt steadier. Less reactive. More resilient.

The little things didn’t throw me off course so easily. I had a growing sense of trust in myself – not just to get through the day, but to make the most of each one. The endless cycle of ‘I’ll do better tomorrow’ was gone. Instead of guilt and frustration, I felt free.

I wasn’t just physically present with my kids, I was also – critically – emotionally present, rather than numbed and distracted. I suddenly had the energy to go after the things that for years I had been ‘too tired’ or ‘too busy’ for.

I began to explore the things I wanted to build into my life, knowing that I had both the time, energy and money to do them. Piano lessons? Why not. A return to the Badminton court after a 35-year absence? Why not. Game on!

The crazy thing is, I didn’t lose a single thing. I didn’t lose fun. I didn’t lose connection. I didn’t lose confidence. I didn’t lose a single friend. I just gained more of everything I was actually searching for, nudging my life towards 10/10.

This won’t be everyone’s story. You might not be drinking like I was drinking – but it’s worth asking: what could change, even subtly, if alcohol weren’t in the picture?

The crux of it is this: going alcohol-free is a gateway, not a destination. By going alcohol-free – or cutting down – you’re not just removing something. You’re creating space to build a life you don’t want to escape from.

The good news is that a few simple mindset shifts can make change feel easier, natural and even exciting. Think not ‘missing out’ but ‘less is more’.

Let’s look a bit more closely at this idea that cutting back on alcohol will be a gain rather than a loss. What if drinking less actually enhances everything? 

This is an insight broadcaster Adrian Chiles once shared with me. For years, he had thought that moderation would ruin his social life. Instead, he discovered that drinking less meant enjoying alcohol more.

He became more mindful, savouring what he drank rather than mindlessly consuming it. His experiences became sharper, his connections more authentic, and he woke up feeling better instead of worse.

The truth is, the more we drink, the less we appreciate it. It becomes routine. Automatic. Something we do out of habit rather than something we truly enjoy.

Adrian provided some very simple advice: cut out the drinks you neither need, want, nor particularly enjoy.

Experts say two drinks is often the tipping point – enough to enjoy the occasion without letting the night slide into something you later regret.

The first drink is almost always the most pleasurable. The second still tends to be enjoyable. But beyond that, the value rapidly falls away. Additional drinks simply start to undo the benefits of the earlier ones, bringing tiredness, clumsiness, and a loss of connection.

If you tally up your weekly intake, a surprising number of units may come from drinks you didn’t truly want or enjoy.

One of the biggest traps people fall into is all-or-nothing thinking. We convince ourselves that if we can’t do something perfectly, there’s no point in trying.

‘If I can’t quit drinking, why bother cutting back on it? If I am not likely to stick to exercising regularly, why even start? If I slip up once, I’ve failed.’

But this mindset keeps us stuck. It makes change feel impossible before we’ve even begun. The truth is that big changes aren’t made in one dramatic leap. They are built through small, consistent actions. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

Perfection isn’t the goal. Progress is. The key to lasting change is what I call the four Cs formula: commitment, courage, capability and confidence.

Step 1: Commitment

Before anything changes, you have to decide. You don’t need to know how yet. You don’t need to have a perfect plan. You just need to commit to the path, even if it feels uncertain.

This is the moment you say: I don’t have all the answers, but I’m doing this anyway.

Step 2: Courage

Commitment is the spark, but courage is what carries you forward. Because the moment you decide to make a change, fear shows up. This is the moment most people turn back. They mistake fear for a stop sign, instead of what it really is: proof that you’re stepping into something bigger.

Remember that every time you do something unfamiliar, your brain sends out an alarm: Danger! Unknown territory!

But here’s the thing: just because something is unfamiliar doesn’t mean it’s unsafe.

Step 3: Capability

At first, you feel shaky. Uncertain. Like you’re making it up as you go. But the more you ‘do’, the more capable you become. For example, the first social event without drinking feels weird, then the second feels easier.

The first stressful day without alcohol feels tough, then you prove to yourself you can handle it. The first few weeks might feel full of doubt – then one day, you realise you’re enjoying your reduced-alcohol or alcohol-free life. And suddenly, what once felt impossible becomes second nature.

Step 4: Confidence

Confidence is the by-product of action. You don’t gain confidence by waiting. You gain confidence by doing.

So, if you’ve been waiting to feel ready before you make a change, stop waiting. You don’t need confidence to start. You just need to start.

Commit first. Courage will follow. Capability will grow. And before you know it, confidence will be something you own.

Why you reach for booze… and how to teach yourself to kick the habit

If you’ve ever tried to drink less and found yourself reaching for a glass of wine or a beer almost automatically, you’re not alone. 

That’s because drinking, like any habit, follows a predictable pattern in the brain. Understanding how this works is the key to changing your relationship with alcohol. 

In his book Atomic Habits, James Clear, an expert in decision-making and habits, describes how the latter are formed. 

Every habit, including drinking, follows a four-step cycle in the brain. This cycle happens on repeat, often without us even realising it: 

1. THE CUE: The trigger that starts the habit. This could be a time of day (6pm), a place (the pub), an emotion (stress or boredom), or a social event (a party or dinner). Your brain picks up on patterns, and when it sees a cue, it expects the habit to follow. 

2. THE CRAVING: The desire or urge to drink. This isn’t a craving for alcohol itself – it’s a craving for what alcohol represents. That might be relaxation after a long day, or feeling included in a group or a quick way to numb an emotion. Your brain isn’t screaming ‘I need alcohol!’ – it’s saying ‘I need relief, connection or distraction.’ 

3. THE RESPONSE: The actual action, pouring the drink. Because alcohol is the fastest, easiest way to get the reward, we reach for it automatically. This is why drinking feels effortless – it’s just the action that follows the craving. 

4. THE REWARD: The feeling that reinforces the habit. After drinking, you feel different: relaxed, more confident and disconnected from stress. Your brain remembers this outcome and associates the cue with the reward. The more often this loop repeats, the stronger the habit becomes. 

So here’s the thing: The key to habit change isn’t eliminating cravings. It’s reprogramming the response to the same cue. Instead of fighting against your brain’s wiring, you need to change what happens between the craving and the action. This is where small, strategic changes can start to shift the pattern – especially in the heat of the moment, when a craving sneaks up quietly, mid-scroll, mid-stress, mid-boredom. 

And your brain pipes up with that familiar suggestion: ‘You know what would help? A drink.’ It can feel like there’s no substitute. No alternative that quite hits the same note. But take a breath. That craving? It’s not always about the alcohol. It’s about what alcohol promises. You don’t crave the drink itself. You crave what you think the drink will deliver. 

This is such an important point to grasp. You think alcohol is going to provide relief, escape, confidence, connection or permission to switch off. It’s as though your brain has followed a well-worn shortcut: ‘Discomfort + Drink = Solution’. 

But here’s the shift: what if, instead of shutting it down or giving in, you paused to ask, ‘What am I really craving right now?’ Because so often, the drink is just a placeholder. A symbol. A learned response. 

Maybe what you actually want is… 

• To be seen without having to perform
• To feel safe in your own skin 
• To press pause on the noise in your head 
• To let go – without guilt, without consequence 

That craving is real. In fact, it’s wise, because it’s trying to help you meet a need. But alcohol? That’s just an old script. The autopilot. 

So here’s your invitation: if what you’re truly craving is comfort, ease, freedom – what else might get you there? Could it be lighting a candle and calling someone who gets you? A playlist that shifts your mood? Stepping outside to breathe deeply? Curling up in your softest clothes with zero expectations? 

You’re not denying yourself anything. You’re just looking through a wider lens at what might give you what you need. Yes, this takes practice, because emotional cravings don’t respond well to logic. But they do respond to curiosity, to kindness, and to interrupting the pattern, just long enough to try something new. 

So, you’re not just breaking a habit. You’re building a new relationship – with your needs, your emotions and your power to respond differently. The more you do that, the more space there is between craving and action. And the more space there is – the more choice you have. 

These small, easy changes can have a big impact on how much you’re drinking

Most people fail at habit change because they try to go big overnight. They set rules like ‘I won’t drink this week’ or ‘I’ll quit alcohol forever’ – only to feel overwhelmed, slip up, and give up on the idea entirely. Big, sudden changes trigger resistance.

Whereas tiny, effortless changes build momentum. Instead of saying ‘I’ll stop drinking at night’, try something tiny and doable like:

• ‘I’ll have a thirst-quenching glass of water first’
• ‘I’ll enjoy a tasty, non-alcoholic drink before my usual first drink’
• ‘I’ll just wait an hour longer before pouring a drink’
• ‘I’ll swap my large wine glass for a smaller one’ as studies show this automatically reduces consumption
• ‘I’ll alternate drinks – for every alcoholic drink, I’ll have a water or a soft drink’ (not only does this slow consumption, it also keeps you hydrated and reduces hangovers)

These are all small shifts that don’t seem like much. And they certainly don’t deny you alcohol, but they chip away at the old habit loop and create a new pattern.

Success isn’t about the size of the action. It’s about consistency. A tiny change done every day is more effective than a huge change you can’t stick to. Over time, these small shifts retrain your brain, making drinking feel less automatic and giving you more control.

Think of it like nudging a steering wheel just a few degrees. You’re not going to veer off immediately, but over time those tiny adjustments take you in a new direction.

One of the easiest ways to drink less is to make drinking less convenient. Behavioural science tells us that if something is easy, we’ll do it more. If it’s harder, we’ll do it less. It’s obvious really.

One of the biggest reasons we drink is because it’s easy. The wine is right there. The beer is already in the fridge. The pub is on the way home. The glass is poured before we’ve even thought about it.

Bad habits thrive in frictionless environments. We drink because it’s automatic, available and effortless. The trick is therefore to introduce just enough friction to break the autopilot cycle.

Here’s how you can make drinking less convenient, without banning yourself from it completely:

• Change your environment – make alcohol harder to reach. Move bottles to a high shelf, out of sight, or even into the garage. The harder it is to grab, the more you’ll pause and rethink
• If you have wine and beer in the house, don’t keep them in the fridge. At room temperature, these drinks are way less appealing and less ready to drink. The pause enforced by having to consider chilling them, creates the friction that can prompt reconsideration
• Don’t buy in bulk – this sounds obvious, but if there’s less alcohol at home, you’ll naturally drink less
• Don’t subscribe to wine clubs, where new deliveries turn up routinely and create a feeling of abundance
• Don’t include alcohol in the weekly shop, where again it is too easy just to scoop it into the trolley, be that in the supermarket or online
• Instead, only buy it when you want it – enforcing a journey to the shop, between wanting it and having it available
• Introduce an interruption – if you usually drink at 7pm, set an alarm for 6.45pm, to ask yourself, ‘Do I actually want this drink, or am I just following a routine?’ Even a ten-second pause creates space for choice
• Change the ritual – pouring a drink into a different type of glass, one you don’t associate with alcohol, forces a tiny moment of awareness and interrupts an otherwise mindless action

You don’t have to eliminate alcohol overnight, or completely. Just introduce speed bumps that make drinking less automatic and more intentional. Every second of added friction is another opportunity to choose differently.

Think of it like putting your phone in another room when you don’t want to scroll. Obviously, it doesn’t stop you if you really want it, but it gives you just enough space to decide if it IS what you really want.

• Adapted from What Are You Thirsty For? by Anna Donaghey, published by New River Books priced £10.99. To order a copy for £9.89 (offer valid to January 31; UK p&p free on orders over £25) go to mailshop.co.uk/books or call 020 3176 2937.