Most of us have people in the office that we just don’t click with.
Maybe they dominate conversations or take credit for other people’s work. Maybe they’re just plain obnoxious.
But have you ever considered that your irritating co-worker could be something more sinister – a narcissist?
There are several types of narcissist, ranging from the overt – the ‘traditional’ type who makes everything about themselves – to the ‘inverted’, ie. someone who consistently presents themselves as the victim of life’s circumstances. They can manifest differently in varying environments, but what they all have in common is an unshakeable ego that needs constant feeding.
There’s plenty of advice out there on how to deal with narcissists in our personal lives, but how can you stop your colleague’s ego trip from ruining your career?
Here’s my expert advice on how to spot an office narcissist – and how best to deal with them…
How to spot them
One of the clearest signs of a narcissist in an office environment is a need for praise that never switches off. They place themselves at the centre of every project, meeting and conversation, and have a knack for taking credit for work that others have done.
This can also manifest as an inability to accept accountability for mistakes they’ve made, instead attributing blame to a colleague or circumstances out of their control. You might notice the story of what actually happened being quietly rewritten in their favour, leaving others confused and carrying the can for things that were never their fault.
Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada 2 (Meryl Streep, left, with Anne Hathaway and Stanley Tucci) is a classic office narcissist
Narcissists will take criticism badly and seem highly sensitive, as they believe that they deserve special treatment.
As such, they’ll push boundaries and treat you as ‘beneath them’, perhaps demanding that you work late to pick up their slack, or make them a coffee.
If others have success, however, they will be cool and competitive, finding a way of steering attention back to themselves and their personal achievements.
This manipulation can prove highly detrimental to a team, which requires trust and communication in order to succeed. Someone with narcissistic traits will put their own gain ahead of the group, so will turn to gossip and backstabbing to retain control. Yes, they can be genuinely charming, but only when something is in it for them.
However, some types of narcissist are more difficult to spot. So-called ‘communal’ narcissists will appear to be group-focused, but only do it because of the expectation that they will be praised for their ‘generous’ actions. If they don’t receive the recognition they feel they’re due, they will act hard done by and claim that nobody appreciates them.
A narcissist will never put your feelings ahead of their own. So your experiences and concerns – be it the hours you’re working or the way your boss takes advantage of you – may be waved away and minimised, unless they are useful to the narcissist in that moment.
Ways to protect your career
This is what I want you to focus your energy on, because you cannot change how someone behaves, but you can change how you react to this.
The most powerful step you can take is to remember that your connection to your narcissistic colleague need only be professional. Stay calm and don’t give them the big, emotional reactions that narcissists feed on. This gives them less of a chance to manipulate you.
That isn’t to say that you shouldn’t take their behaviour seriously, though. If you’re working with someone who shifts blame and rewrites history, start keeping a record of key conversations and decisions. Follow up on verbal chats with short emails that summarise what was agreed. This isn’t aggressive, it’s professional – and it ensures there’s a record of the truth, which will save your sanity in the long run.
Therapist Caroline Strawson says that once you start to recognise the patterns and see the office narcissist for what they are, you can stop reacting and start responding
Be clear about your responsibilities and your workload. Learn to say no in a way that is polite and professional, because boundaries hold best when they are put in place calmly and consistently.
However, don’t make the mistake of focusing your energy on proving the narcissist wrong, as they will never believe they are anything other than right. Focus on your own reputation and building positive relationships in the workplace, because nobody’s career was ever made by winning a single argument. Plus, building good connections with trusted colleagues gives you what the narcissist will try to take from you, which is rational perspective. They want you to doubt your own version of events and feel isolated. Don’t let them win.
The bottom line, however, is that working alongside an office narcissist is frustrating and exhausting. The tiredness you feel when in their orbit is real – so don’t dismiss it as a sign of weakness. Acknowledge it and do what you need to do to prioritise your wellbeing.
Once you start to recognise the patterns and see this person for what they are, you can stop reacting and start responding. Hold your boundaries and pour your energy into your own growth, to protect the career you’ve worked so hard to build.
