In my 25 years as a global etiquette expert, I’ve seen and heard just about every faux pas or social conundrum.
Some are trickier to resolve than others. But the basics are simple to master, and should be deployed at all times.
When it comes to interacting with others, I have found that there are eight guiding rules that everyone should live by.
They’re small, simple gestures. But they can go a long way and will ultimately elevate your relationships.
Diane Gottsman is an internationally renowned etiquette expert
USE PEOPLE’S NAMES
This one may sound obvious, but you’d be amazed at how many overlook the simple act of referring to someone by their name.
It creates a unique connection and, crucially, shows you’ve remembered!
Whether it’s the person behind the counter at the coffee shop, the neighborhood letter carrier or even a family member or friend, the small act can completely change the way someone perceives you.
The gesture signals friendliness and rapport, and can instantly brighten someone’s day.
KEEP YOUR PROMISES
All of us tend to optimistically fill our calendars with plans… then wish hadn’t over-committed.
But once you RSVP to a function, it is never appropriate to back out unless there is a real emergency.
Doing so can really damage a relationship, which is why it is vital to follow through on plans and keep your promises to others.
People learn to trust you, or feel disappointed in you, based on how you keep your word.
If you say are you are going to do it – send the text, make the call, attend the function.
There are polite ways you can set boundaries with friends that will avoid mixed signals (stock image)
SET BOUNDARIES WHEN NEEDED
While it is important to stick to your word, proper etiquette is not about accepting every request ‘just to be polite’ or tolerating behavior that is not aligned with your own values.
Setting your personal boundaries, making them clear and following through without apology shows respect for yourself and alleviates resentment long term, rather than sending mixed signals.
Agreeing to something that you don’t really want to do just to please someone will ultimately cause more resentment and tension in a relationship.
Say you’re trying to make plans with a friend but they want to bring their kids along and you would prefer it just be you two.
Be upfront about it from the start. Saying something as simple as, ‘I’d love to go dinner with you sometime soon. Let’s schedule an outing when you have a babysitter and we can catch up without any distractions’ is a polite way of saying, ‘I’d rather have dinner with you without your three children.’
SHOW UP DURING THE BAD TIMES, NOT JUST THE GOOD
Celebrating the good times is easy – often much easier than attending a funeral, or showing support when someone is going through a difficult time.
Simply making an extra effort to show someone you care when they need it most can go a long way.
Not knowing what to say or feeling uncomfortable with the situation is not a good enough reason to back out when a friend needs comfort.
Saying ‘I’m so sorry. I’m here for you’ is all it takes. Attending a service or memorial, even if it’s inconvenient, will be remembered long after the ceremony is over and the grief has lessened.
People often pay attention to those who were there for them during a bad time and relationships are strengthened or broken based on the effort you put in them.
LISTEN MORE, TALK LESS
In conversation, you should make every effort to give the other person your full attention.
Put away your cell phone, turn your shoulders towards their shoulders, maintain eye contact, refrain from interrupting and respond authentically.
Avoid scanning the room or rushing the story along.
Focus on what they’re saying and don’t be overpowering or talk more than the other person.
It’s amazing what you can learn if you aren’t thinking about what you are going to say next.
When you show someone you are sincerely interested in their conversation, you are building trust and goodwill.
And giving someone the proper time to speak is a subtle and effective way to boost your relationship.
Gottsman suggested making an effort to use people’s names in conversation and not canceling on plans to strengthen your relationship
GIVE OTHERS GRACE
It’s easy to assume when someone is late, distracted or short tempered, it’s a direct insult towards us.
But showing understanding (if the behavior is not a routine occurrence) is an act of kindness.
We often forget that most people are trying to multitask with their busy life and still make time for their friends.
Being in the habit of giving others grace will help you avoid unnecessary conflict and strengthen your relationships long-term.
Demonstrating tolerance, and even concern, makes others feel safe.
Compassion goes a long way when we acknowledge me may not know what is going on in someone else’s life.
SHOW GRATITUDE WHEN OTHERS ARE THERE FOR YOU
Another habit everyone should implement if they want to strengthen their relationships is showing gratitude when others are there for you.
It doesn’t need to be a grand gesture, but rather, simply taking a moment to thank a friend can do wonders.
Something small or personal like a handwritten note is also a great way to remind someone of how much you care.
In a world where a quick text is the standard, receiving a letter often feels like a warm hug.
BE KIND TO YOURSELVES
Our brains believe what we tell it. When I make a mistake, or do something that turns out to be a disaster, I replace the critical comment I made about myself with a few words of kindness for having the courage to try something new or challenging.
Learning to be kind to yourself will trickle into your relationships.
By choosing compassion over criticism, you can train your brain to do the same when dealing with others.
Our outlook in life depends on how we frame it in our brains. Etiquette at its finest is treating others with respect and the grace should also be extended to ourselves.
