Around a third of divorced couples in the UK regret their decision to end their marriage.
Whether you will depends very much on your personal circumstances: your attractiveness, friendship groups, social skills and finances.
If you divorce because your partner was perpetually unfaithful, physically or emotionally abusive or had an addiction problem, you’re more likely to feel relief not regret.
But research and studies all indicate that there’s one gender that suffers more when a marriage breaks down – and it’s not women.
Due to the perception that women are more romantic, most assume they regret divorce the most – but the reality is quite the opposite.
Let me start by making it clear that the scales aren’t all tipped in favour of women.
Don’t ask me why, but there still seems to be a man shortage. The proportion of great single women and equally attractive single men remains disproportionately skewed in men’s favour.
Plenty of men divorce and find themselves inundated with women eager to date them – but not all.
The attractive, confident and socially skilled might have no regrets after leaving a marriage but the less gifted and blessed might well do.
Here are some reasons why men might regret their divorce:
Around one third of divorced couples in the UK regret their decision to end their marriage – whether you will depends very much on your personal circumstances: your attractiveness, friendship groups, social skills and finances, says Tracey Cox
They’re more likely to have been caught out cheating
‘I had an affair with a woman at work. I worked late, so did she and she made it very, very clear that she was up for it.
‘It meant nothing but became a habit and lasted six months.
‘Another woman at work was suspicious and had met my wife.
‘I’m pretty sure it was her who sent my wife an anonymous message to her socials.
‘She confronted me and I was so unprepared, it was obvious something had been going on.
‘It sounds ridiculous, but I never expected she would ever find out.
‘I was prepared to do anything to keep her and the kids, but she said she would never forgive me and she hasn’t.
‘I lost everything without ever really realising what I was putting at risk.’
Lots of happily married men cheat.
Women tend to be unfaithful when they are deeply unhappy but a lot of men are opportunistic cheaters.
They do it purely because sex was on offer and they thought they’d get away with it.
They don’t think about what they might lose, instead they’re completely in the moment, often drunk or high, and responding to a base, primal urge for novelty and danger.
When the wife finds out and they lose her, the kids, their lifestyle and often the house, they’re both shocked and devastated.
I’m not saying women don’t cheat: we do.
Just not as much as men and we’re more likely to do it when unhappy. Being caught under those circumstances can be a relief: your decision is made for you. You can leave.
They’re more likely to lose the house
If women find themselves surrounded by a sea of friends after a marriage breakdown, all eager to help and console her, men often find themselves totally alone
‘I made the money, my wife made the children. That’s the joke we used to have. It seemed like a good deal at the time.
‘When we divorced after years of arguing, it didn’t seem as fair.
‘She got the house I’d worked my butt off paying for and I ended up in a horrible, soulless flat around the corner. That’s all I could afford with the hefty child support I pay.’
Like most things, individual circumstances – who earns more money and whose name is on the house deeds – prevail.
But the parent who is the primary carer of the children tends to retain the family home – and that’s nearly always the woman.
Decision makers – rightfully – prioritise maintaining stability for the kids by keeping them in familiar surroundings.
Even if the wife isn’t awarded the home in the settlement, men often sign it over, if they instigated the divorce, out of guilt.
Trouble is, being free and single can seem a lot less attractive when you’re sitting in a bedsit, knowing the wife and kids are at that moment preparing meals in a lovely kitchen and ready to relax on a comfy sofa afterward.
They don’t deal with their emotions well
‘When my wife left me for another man, I fell apart.
‘I still went to work and did my job, and I pretended I was fine to my family.
‘But the reality was I was crying all the time and even toyed with the idea of suicide.
‘I told no one how I felt because I didn’t know how I felt. I was so confused.
‘What had I done wrong to make her stop loving me?
‘I was at rock bottom and desperate but didn’t know how to ask for help.’
It’s changing a little, but lots of men still feel it’s ‘unmanly’ to show vulnerability or admit they need help.
They feel ashamed and like a failure if they don’t cope or need support.
Men are also less able to pinpoint what emotions they’re feeling let alone how to process them. Rather than talk things through with a person who cares about them or see a therapist, they’ll sometimes mask their pain by drinking, taking drugs, or holing up with a mountain of junk food.
Suppressing powerful emotions is never a good idea – it invariably manifests as regret or depression.
Women, on the other hand, may not have as many regrets but, as with the men, there’s a caveat to this claim.
While lots of women feel freer post-divorce, many worry financially and are left to bring up the children alone.
Even if you’re left the house and get child support, it’s unusual for all expenses to be covered. Being a single parent is never easy and if you didn’t ask for or want to split, this can be incredibly difficult to deal with.
Even so, women are still more likely to experience less regret in other ways because…
We’ve got more friends than he has
‘After 15 years of what I thought was marital happiness, my husband came home, stood in the kitchen with his coat still on, and announced he was leaving me for a woman he’d been having an affair with for four years. He left two minutes later.
‘It hit me like a ton of bricks. All I could think was, “Call Nina, call Nina”. She’s my best friend. She came immediately and stayed for four nights until she was convinced I was OK to be left alone.
‘All my friends rallied around and carried me through that period. I would never have got through without them.’
The average woman has two to three close friends and around 10 friends overall that they see regularly. The average man has five friends in total – much fewer close friends than previous generations – and see them infrequently.
It’s not uncommon for men to ditch all their friends once they’re in a long-term relationship.
‘I don’t need anyone other than her,’ lots of married men say. A sweet sentiment, perhaps, but a dangerous one. Lack of support is the reason why men don’t cope if their wife dies before them and struggle more after divorce.
We’re more self-sufficient
Women might also find it easier to move on after a divorce because they’re more self-sufficient (Stock photo)
‘My life got easier when my partner left.
‘It was one less person to have to cook for, clean up after, worry about. We were a traditional couple: I looked after the kids and did all the housework, he did the garden and “bloke stuff”.
‘That stuff’s easy to sort out though. I have a gardener once a month and a great handyman. Practically, I got sorted quickly.
‘My friends and family supported me emotionally and I had online therapy to guide me through. Women cope much better after divorce because we’re used to organising the family and household.’
I got a very different story from the men I spoke with. ‘I can’t cook, I lived on takeaways.’ ‘The house was a pigsty. My kids refused to visit unless I cleaned up.’ ‘I had no idea just how much my wife did. The groceries and cooking and anticipating what we’d all need. I had new respect for her – too late.’
Some men are very capable: their mothers taught them to fend for themselves or their wives insisted on sharing the load. Others are rich enough to hire staff and solve the problem that way but lots of men flounder.
The person who initiated it feels the most regret
‘I agonised over whether to leave my partner long before we even got married. God knows why I went ahead with it. When I did finally leave, I felt tremendous guilt for the pain I caused my husband.
‘He didn’t do anything wrong; I was the one with the issues. Seven years later, I was still tormenting myself over what I’d done. Meanwhile, he sensibly moved on with his life. Even knowing he’d got married and had kids didn’t stop the emotional angst. I’m OK now but it was intensely painful.’
Most studies confirm the partner who makes the call to end the marriage is the one who experiences the most regret later – for obvious reasons.
The responsibility for the decision lies with them and so does the guilt and what-ifs: they’re left wondering if they should have done more to fix things. What would have happened if they’re knuckled down and tried harder; went to couples counselling.
There’s another reason why the person who leaves regrets it the most: the person who is left gets more sympathy.
When you realise the grass not always greener
‘My best friend was single, and my husband worked shift work so I was her wing woman. She’s very attractive so we’d get lots of guys talking to us. My marriage was perfectly fine but we’d been together for years and in that dangerous comfort-bordering-on-boredom zone.
‘I ended up having two one-night-stands – which were lots of fun – and decided life was too short for me to stay in a so-so marriage.
‘I left expecting life to be one long party and got a horrible shock when it wasn’t. The kind of guys I thought I’d pull, weren’t interested in anything other than casual sex.
‘I spent a lot of time sitting on the bed of the flat I’d moved into, looking at my phone and wanting to call my husband.
‘Three months later, I quietly moved myself back in and it’s never been discussed since. Single life looks mighty appealing when you’re married; not so much when you’re actually alone.’
I know lots of people who bitterly regret moving on from their first marriage. Lots of people marry their childhood sweethearts. Later, they start wondering if they couldn’t have done better if they’d waited to see what else was on offer. Someone better looking, richer, more intelligent, more connected.
They leave their partners thinking they’ll trade up only to find one of two things happen. The richer, better prospects aren’t interested in them. Or they trade up and realise there’s always a trade-off. The rich partner is a workaholic. The interesting conversationalist has no common sense.
Turns out partner number one was a good choice after all.
You’ll find Tracey’s books, product ranges and podcast info at traceycox.com.
