Love Actually: Ranking Every Storyline By Romanticness

8. Colin, Tony and the American Girls

Yeah, this one’s an easy ‘big yikes’, so let’s not dwell on it for long. Much to the horror of his friend Tony (Abdul Salis), a determined Colin (Kris Marshall) decides his bad luck in the romance department is because English women are ‘too stuck up’ and plans to go to America to find The One (or at least the one who will sleep with him). 

As soon as he arrives Stateside, we witness what can only be described as a soft porn fantasy, as he visits a bar and not one but four girls instantly fall for his British charms and invite him back to share their one bed (in which, of course, they sleep in naked because they ‘can’t afford pyjamas’). 

If it weren’t for the fact he returns with two of his conquests in the airport scene at the end of the film, we could probably be convinced Colin’s plane crashed before reaching America, and this ridiculous, objectifying scene was just a sad delusion his brain conjured in his dying moments. It’s not romance, it’s just shagging.

7. Billy Mack and Joe

Love Actually’s ‘odd couple’ award goes to these two. Lovable sleazeball and rock hasbeen Billy Mack (Bill Nighy) and his manager Joe (Gregor Fisher) spend most of the film being outrageously bad at promoting an outrageously bad Christmas single, ‘Christmas is All Around’. Against the odds, they manage to make the song Christmas number one, before realising at the end of the film that there’s no one else they’d rather spend Christmas with. Despite some questionably tasteless jokes and demeaning comments about women which can stay in 2003, Billy’s declaration of his own kind of love for Joe is quite courageous, and certainly entertaining, just not very romantic.

6. Juliet, Peter and Mark

Looking back, it’s hard to believe we ever found this storyline romantic, but we did. Mark (Andrew Lincoln) deals with his hidden love for his best friend’s new wife Juliet (Keira Knightly) by being a total knobhead to her (red flag), yet still decides to spend the entire wedding day filming obsessive close-ups of her as the unofficial wedding videographer (double red flag), and then bombards her with those infamous cringey cue cards declaring his undying love until she pity-kisses him (ALL the red flags). Despite the lowkey vibe that Mark might be a bit of a stalker, the cue cards are the film’s most memorable romantic gesture, and if we look past the problematic stuff his unrequited love still gives us bittersweet feels.

5. Sarah, Karl and Michael

A superb performance by Laura Linney, Sarah’s two years of obvious pining after her colleague Karl (Rodrigo Santoro) is sweetly, comically romantic, and it’s deeply satisfying to see her finally get her man at the office Christmas party. The unfortunate timing of her vulnerable brother Michael’s phone call, which derails Sarah and Karl’s romance just as they were ripping each others’ clothes off, only adds to the sexual tension. But the problem is not Michael, it’s Karl: not only does he let his manhood do the talking and suggest she ignores her brother’s call, despite Sarah opening up to Karl about his illness, he doesn’t even attempt to persevere with the relationship, seemingly unable to cope with her putting her brother’s needs first. The scene between Sarah and Michael in the mental health facility is one of the film’s most poignant, enduring moments, but it seems Karl is just a disappointing f***boy.

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