An expert has revealed why separated parents should never disparage one another in front of their children, after Fern Britton revealed she won’t speak ill about her ex-husband Phil Vickery in front of their daughter.
Many people will vent about an ex following a break-up, but doing so in front of your children can be a bad idea, according to Kate Daly, co-founder of leading online divorce services company amicable.
Last week, Fern, 67, said she tries ‘very hard’ not to speak ill of her celebrity chef ex in front of her daughter Winnie, 23, who ‘adores’ her father
And she’s not the only star who has bitten their tongue despite a contentious co-parent relationship.
Kim Kardashian previously said that she ‘protects’ Kanye West in front of their four children North, 12, Saint, nine, Chicago, seven and Psalm, six.
‘My kids don’t know anything that goes on in the outside world. I will protect that to the end of the earth,’ she told the Angie Martinez IRL podcast.
‘If we’re riding to school and they want to listen to their dad’s music, no matter what’s going on I have to put a smile on face and act like nothing is going on’.
Meanwhile, Katherine Ryan has said she won’t speak ill of her ex Alex Elderman, who she shares 16-year-old daughter Violet with.
Now Kate has told Femail that children are ‘incredible perceptive’ and ‘take emotional cues from their parents’.
She added that this aspect of co-parenting is often overlooked, but can leave a huge impact on children.
Fern Britton recently revealed that she tries ‘very hard’ not to speak badly of her ex-husband Phil Vickery in front of their daughter Winnie. Pictured in 2007 before their split
Kim Kardashian previously said that she ‘protects’ Kanye West in front of their four children North, 12, Saint, nine, Chicago, seven and Psalm, six. Pictured together in 2020
‘Children are incredibly perceptive, and they take emotional cues from their parents,’ she says.
‘Speaking negatively about an ex in front of children can make them feel conflicted, for example that they are required to respond to the critique of the other parent and either agree with your criticism or defend their other parent.
‘This is extremely anxiety-provoking for a child and leaves them feeling caught in the middle.
‘It’s important to remember that a child is made up of both parents – hearing one parent criticised can feel like a criticism of themselves.’
Fiona Yassin, international family psychotherapist and founder of The Wave Clinic, added that while parents might think they are sharing information that will make their child feel safer with them, but this isn’t true.
She warns against parents using their children as confidants during difficult periods, as it can affect their relationships with other people in the future.
‘If a child hears that their mum or dad has, for example, lied or had an affair, it does not just distil the child’s trust in that parent, it also distils their trust in the world,’ she explains.
‘So if a parent confides in their child, they’re not just disturbing their child’s vision of that relationship, they’re also disturbing their child’s ability to trust the people they should be able to – in this instance, that’s family. For some children, this may result in complex post-traumatic stress disorder (complex PTSD).
Katherine Ryan has said she won’t speak ill of her ex Alex Elderman, who she shares 16-year-old daughter Violet with. Violet and Katherine are pictured MTV Europe Music Awards last year
‘Many parents believe that the more information they share with their child – in the hope of turning the child’s emotions against the other parent – the safer that child will feel with them.
‘This is, however, a complete misnomer. Children deserve emotional safety and if either parent is asking a child to take sides or continually running down the other parent, there is no emotional safety. ‘
Research shows that parental conflict, rather than the divorce or separation itself that puts children at higher risk of mental health and wellbeing problems, as well as negative relationships with peers.
Kate says: ‘Those children exposed to parental conflict are more likely to suffer emotional and behavioural difficulties or not to do so well in school.
‘When parents bad-mouth each other, it can lead to confusion, loyalty conflicts, and stress for the child. In the long-term, this can affect their self-esteem, relationships (friendships and their romantic relationships in later life), and overall mental wellbeing.’
Speaking badly of your ex can also damage your child’s relationship with their other parent – or even with you.
‘We see examples that carry on even into later where adult children may actively ‘hide’ their relationship with one parent from the other,’ Kate adds.
Even if you and your ex-spouse think you are doing a good job of hiding your conflict from your children, Fiona says it’s ‘important to understand that children pick up most of their clues about what’s going on from a non-verbal basis’.
Kate Daly, co-founder of divorce service amicable, says that the way divorced parents speak about one another in front of their children is often overlooked
Psychotherapist Fiona Yassin, founder of The Wave Clinic, adds that speaking badly about your ex-spouse in front of your children can affect their future relationships
This means your body language matters too. ‘Whilst it’s important to avoid arguing in front of the children, know that your non-verbal cues and the environment they’re in will have an impact on your child,’ Fiona explains.
Kate advises keeping the focus on your child’s wellbeing and to try and speak respectfully about one another if you can – or at the very least, speak neutrally, even if things are difficult.
‘Avoid placing blame or sharing adult issues with your child – you wouldn’t discuss intermarital issues with your child if you and your partner were together – so don’t if you separate.
‘If your child has questions, answer them honestly but age-appropriately but remember the boundaries. Think of it this way: every interaction is an opportunity to model emotional intelligence, kindness, and resilience.’
Fiona also suggests being united with your ex on the topic of co-parenting. ‘To move forward does not mean that you need to forgive, nor does it mean you need to forget.
‘But it does mean that you need to put your parenting responsibilities above your relationship responsibilities. The divorce will dissolve the marriage, but it will not dissolve the biological basis of parenting.’
If you feel stressed and upset with your ex, Fiona recommends using a journal to work through your thoughts and feelings about how you’d like to share and divide responsibilities with your children.
‘Writing your thoughts down can help to clarify your thinking. Step away from your notes for a day or so and then come back to them when you’re in a clearer headspace and are better able to make good decisions.’
