Barking Mad? Woman Has Knotty Thoughts About an Oak Tree and the Replies Will Leaf You in Tears

‘Tis the season for people pretending to have odd sexual orientations … apparently.

As Twitchy readers know, we told you about a woman who identifies as a bandwagon, goalpost-moving sexuality known as ‘abrosexual’.

The subject of this story, however, claims to be attracted to a giant oak tree. Would that make her ‘arborsexual’?

I’m an ‘ecosexual’ — I’ve fallen in love with an oak tree pic.twitter.com/isWv3O2oTA

— New York Post (@nypost) December 26, 2023

Nope. She claims to be an ‘ecosexual’, not to be confused with ‘echosexuals’, who are attracted to the sound of their own voices.

Yes, we just made that up. In our defense, they’re just making this stuff up too.

‘A big misconception is that ecosexuality means sex between people and nature, it’s a different way to explore the erotic,’ the forest fetishist explained. ‘To watch the changing of the seasons is to me an erotic act. You go from death in winter and then everything comes alive in spring and mates.’

In other words, she’s nuts … or acorns.

pic.twitter.com/jSdIYu6lNi

— siraj hashmi (@SirajAHashmi) December 26, 2023

Evergreen. LOL.

“You don’t have to be lonely, at Lumberonly dot com”🎶 https://t.co/RRw9TCWUlB

— Andrew Donaldson (@four4thefire) December 26, 2023

Bwahaha!

At this point the NY Post has run so many Woman Marries Tree stories, they should just add a tree engagement announcements sections https://t.co/lJSqoOEf5z

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 26, 2023

Tree marriage seems like a bad idea, especially with oak trees. Many oak trees are marcescent, you see, which means they do not drop their leaves until spring. Entering into holy matrimony with such a tree runs afoul of the warning against being unequally oaked with an un-de-leafer. (We worked hard for that one. We’re not even sorry.)