Like she does every day, Katie Bycsek will miss her son Thomas this Thanksgiving. A lifelong Belmar resident, Thomas Bycsek died suddenly in 2019 at the age of 26. The decision Katie made in the aftermath continues to bring their family solace.
She donated Thomas’ organs, which helped save the lives of four critically ill people.
“Knowing that there is somebody at another Thanksgiving table who’s living because of him, that comforts me,” Katie said. “It comforts all of us.”
Thomas’ heart went to a recipient in New York, his liver to someone in Connecticut, and his kidneys to two fellow New Jerseyans. That’s really all his mother knows. She yearns to know more.
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“I’ve read about people listening to their loved one’s heart beating in someone else,” she said. “I would love to connect with any one of them, but in particular if I could connect with the heart recipient — just thinking about it brings me to tears.”
There are rules that govern correspondence between the family of a deceased organ donor and the organ recipients, because such situations are so fraught with emotion. After a one-year post-transplant waiting period, NJ Sharing Network — the Union County-based nonprofit that facilitated the transfer of Thomas Bycsek’s organs — acts as a go-between at first if communication is sought by either party.
Through NJ Sharing Network, Katie Bycsek sent letters to the recipients of her son’s organs. She did not hear back. The pandemic might have factored in, but in general such connections are more exceptions than the norm.
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“They say sometimes organ recipients get survivors’ guilt and don’t necessarily respond right away,” Katie said. “I plan on writing them again over Christmas.”
She will include photos of her family participating in the NJ Sharing Network’s “5K Celebration of Life” fundraiser in Long Branch in May. Thomas was beloved by his twin brother Matthew and seven first cousins, Katie said, and they’ve all been inspired to give back to the nonprofit.
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“They (NJ Sharing Network officials) continue to keep in touch and help you through the grieving process,” Katie said. “They sent blankets, wristbands, on Christmas (in 2019) they sent an ornament for the tree, a crystal heart. I hang it on our tree every year.”
Growing up, Thomas played baseball. He loved the New York Yankees, loved dogs, loved the family’s annual summer getaway to Vermont. His mom wants to share these things with the folks he helped save.
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“One of my friends, who lost her brother on 9/11, the first thing she said to me (after Thomas’ death) was, ‘Keep him alive in conversation and you will always feel him around you,’” Katie Bycsek said. “Keeping his memory alive is something these people who received his organs are doing. It would be really nice to connect with any one of them and see the life that’s continuing because of this.”
In the pain of the moment, donating Thomas’ organs was not an easy decision to make. Katie thought about it for a day or two, as her son was on life support. She’s never second-guessed it.
“You have to have faith that out of something so tragic, can come something beautiful,” she said. “That’s where faith makes me understand — it was God’s plan. It was Thomas’ time. It was also time for somebody else to live.”
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For more information about organ and tissue donation in New Jersey, visit www.NJSharingNetwork.org.
Jerry Carino is community columnist for the Asbury Park Press, focusing on the Jersey Shore’s interesting people, inspiring stories and pressing issues. Contact him at [email protected].