Dear Jana,
After a long marriage, I found myself back on the dating scene in my 40s and, while there have been some pleasant surprises, there is one thing I simply cannot get my head around.
What has happened to foreplay?
Or more specifically, what has happened to men?
I don’t know whether they’ve all attended the same terrible training course or whether there’s a secret group chat somewhere, but I seem to keep running into the exact same problem.
Things start off well enough. There’s chemistry, flirting, a bit of anticipation.
Then we end up in bed and suddenly it’s like they’ve mistaken enthusiasm for speed. It’s all just jackhammering.
I’m lying there thinking, ‘Surely this isn’t it? Surely we’re building towards something better?’
A woman in her forties who is dating again after a long marriage, asks Daily Mail columnist Jana Hocking (pictured) what on earth is going on with men in the bedroom
No. We’ve skipped straight to the grand finale.
The first time it happened, I put it down to nerves. The second time, I wondered if I’d been unlucky. By the fifth or sixth man who insisted upon this routine, I began to realise this might actually be a trend.
The strange part is that they all seem confident they’re doing an excellent job.
The monotony of it all has me lying there mentally updating my grocery list.
I don’t know if this is due to a lack of experience, or whether women have simply become too polite to tell men that what they’re doing isn’t nearly as impressive as they seem to think it is.
At this point, I’m starting to wonder whether celibacy might be the better option.
Please tell me I’m not alone.
Missing the Build-Up.
‘The strange part is that they all seem genuinely confident they’re doing an excellent job,’ a confused woman writes to Jana. (Stock image)
Dear Missing the Build-Up,
Girl, you are not alone. In fact, it’s a complaint I hear often from many single women.
Somewhere along the line, a lot of men seem to have confused good sex with vigorous sex. They arrive full of enthusiasm, which is lovely and flattering, but they charge towards the finish line as though they’re trying to set a personal best.
My theory is that easy access to porn has done us no favours. A generation of men have grown up watching scenes where women appear to be having life-changing orgasms from frantic thrusting and little else. It’s hardly a masterclass in real-life intimacy.
Porn stars, for the love of God, can we please stop doing that?
The reality is that most women don’t want sex to feel like they’re being tenderised. We like anticipation. We like tension. We like kissing and fondling that lasts longer than a loading screen. Half the fun is the build-up.
The frustrating part is that many of these men genuinely believe they’re delivering an Olympic-level performance. Bless them. They’re not being selfish; they’re often just working from a bad playbook.
This means that some retraining may be required. The good news is that most men are surprisingly receptive when you tell them what you enjoy. A well-timed ‘slower’ or ‘don’t stop’ can work wonders.
And if a man takes offence because you’ve suggested foreplay shouldn’t be treated as an optional extra, then take that as the red flag it is and kick him to the curb.
Because life’s too short for bad sex, and celibacy should never feel like the more exciting option.
Never.
Dear Jana,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and there is one thing I just can’t seem to get past: his female best friend.
They’ve known each other since university and he insists they’ve never slept together, kissed or had any romantic feelings for one another.
The problem is that their friendship feels a lot more intimate than any male-female friendship I’ve ever had. She sends him selfies constantly. Not just group photos or life updates. Selfies.
If she’s had a bad day, she calls him. If she’s had a good day, she calls him. If she’s had a break-up, she calls him. If she’s bored waiting for a flight, she calls him.
A woman who is feeling threatened by her boyfriend’s female friend asks Jana for advice (stock image posed by models)
One night she rang at 11pm crying because she’d had an argument with a guy she was dating and my boyfriend went outside for nearly an hour to comfort her.
Meanwhile, I once called him during work because my car broke down and he sent me a thumbs-up emoji and a link to roadside assistance.
I’ve tried to be the cool girlfriend and smile through it. And I keep telling myself that if he really wanted to be with her, he would.
But it all just seems a bit too much. Like, she recently posted a birthday tribute to him calling him her ‘person’ and saying she didn’t know what she’d do without him, alongside a picture of her hands around his waist.
Now I’m wondering whether I’m the girlfriend or just the woman currently borrowing someone else’s boyfriend.
Trying to Be Cool.
Dear Trying to Be Cool,
Can we finally retire the whole ‘cool girlfriend’ thing?
Women have spent years convincing themselves they’re being irrational for feeling uncomfortable in situations that would make almost anyone uncomfortable.
Somewhere along the way, we decided that having boundaries was being jealous and having feelings was insecure.
Enough with that. We’re human beings and we’re allowed human feelings.
As a single woman, I’ve been the female best friend to plenty of men over the years, and I’ve always operated under one simple rule: when a serious partner comes along, I take a respectful step back.
Not because I’ve done anything wrong, and not because men and women can’t be friends, but because relationships change things. The girlfriend should never feel like she’s competing for emotional real estate with someone who isn’t in the relationship.
The thing that jumped out at me from your letter wasn’t the selfies or even the birthday post. It was the fact that your boyfriend spent an hour outside comforting her after a fight with a man she was dating, but didn’t even come close to a response like that when you were in a dilemma.
Red flag.
That’s a clear-as-day priority problem.
Now, before everyone starts shouting that men and women can absolutely be platonic friends, I agree. Some of my closest friends are men. But healthy friendships have boundaries, and they don’t leave a romantic partner feeling like they’re standing outside the relationship looking in.
The truth is, it sounds like they both have emotional dependence on each other, rather than a simple friendship. She’s treating him like her primary source of comfort and support, and he’s allowing it.
Whether there’s a romantic history between them is almost beside the point.
The real question is this: Does your boyfriend understand how his behaviour is making you feel, and is he willing to make adjustments?
I’d be sitting him down and talking through all of this in a calm, measured way. (No tears or tantrums – that never works!) These conversations tend to go much better when both people feel heard rather than judged.
Sometimes people don’t realise how their behaviour looks from the outside until someone points it out. Give him the opportunity to see it from your perspective.
If he listens, takes it on board and makes some adjustments, great. If he dismisses it entirely, well, that tells its own story. Then you have to decide if you’re comfortable with her being this much in the picture… forever?
I know I couldn’t do it, so I don’t blame you for feeling the same way.
