Dear Bel,
I have no idea whether you can help or advise but I am writing anyway because I so want to get this off my chest. My darling husband has gone through a radical prostatectomy which has saved his life. He is now in remission. As a matter of fact, I am too, after being treated for non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. It was a relief to know this condition is treatable, if not curative.
Since my husband’s operation intimacy is not possible as he doesn’t have any sexual desire any more. He has been offered pumps, injections, and other things – but none of all that is appealing to him – and honestly, me neither.
The thing is, he has been my one and only partner in life. I was always raised as a ‘good girl’ – and so that was my way of being. But he had several sexual encounters before our marriage – and one since.
Now we come to my question to you. I am absolutely smitten with a local chap who is single. When we meet briefly, it was a shared kiss on cheeks. That’s it. But I have never experienced a feeling like this, ever. He says the same.
I care very much for my husband, but I want to experience more – for me. I need more. Is this so wrong?
I will always be at my husband’s side and my marriage vows still have meaning. That is real and true. But so is this new feeling.
So is my longing to pursue a relationship with this man who lives locally. Do you think I am deluded to think it could work?
– Susannah
Susannah asks Bel: ‘I care very much for my husband, but I want to experience more – for me. I need more. Is this so wrong?’
Bel Mooney responds: You and your beloved husband have been enduring a burden of illness that would make most people question their daily lives and perhaps want ‘more.’ Think about it – you have a serious condition and he has had radical treatment for his – and so each of you has faced all that anxiety and pain separately as well as together.
It’s a triple whammy of stress, as well as a lot of confusion and fear. Such experiences can put a massive strain even on a long love, and it’s touching that you begin by calling him ‘darling.’
But now something has happened to profoundly unsettle you. You describe ‘a shared kiss on both cheeks’ which has acted like an electric shock to your system.
I’d love to know how you met this man and what conversations you have had – for him to admit he feels as ‘smitten’ after those chaste cheek-kisses. How did it happen? Was that truly all there was?
No matter. Let’s be clear about what you are suggesting. You think it should be possible to remain married to your (now-impotent) husband, while at the same time having some sort of affair with the local man. Both wishes are strong and you believe in their truth.
Believe me, I do understand that feeling, and the sudden passionate longing that has so unsettled you. It’s something I have known in the past. Many long-married couples are surprised by the intensity of a new yearning after somebody outside the marriage, and the restless longing for ‘more.’
You have been a patient and a ‘nurse’ as well. You know what it is to feel absolutely exhausted and terrified at the same time. Inevitably you have sensed what mortality is, and how near it could be, and how precious life is.
That longing you feel is both a wish for more life (please God) and a desire for the life that’s left to be new and exciting.
I want you to realise how understandable such feelings are and how many people will share them. So please don’t feel guilty. There are days when each one of us will look at our life and whisper, ‘Is that it? Is this all there is?’ At such moments you want to grab any joy that flies past.
The question is – how much happiness would pursuing a relationship with the local man bring you? I need to be truthful here and tell you that, far from bringing you joy, it is likely to make you very unhappy. The man is single but you are not. If you were to start an affair (and I understand that physical longing) you would be lying to the husband you love, sneaking around, feeling torn up inside every single day, overwhelmed with guilt, tortured by insomnia, and sick to your soul because of the mess you created for yourself.
So yes, I do suspect you are ‘deluded’ to think it would bring the joy you seek. Sometimes affairs lead to people starting new lives with the soul-mate they should have met in the first place. But I’m afraid I can’t see that happening here.
So all I can do is urge caution. Being ‘smitten’ by those powerful longings is like being hit by a sledgehammer, isn’t it?
But please be careful this impulse doesn’t smite you and your poor husband down.
Dear Bel,
My wife and I are in our early sixties and thought we were entering a quieter phase of life. The phase we had always looked forward to.
Our mortgage is paid, our health is decent, and we looked forward to freedom with our grown children – a son and a daughter – having ‘flown away’. But two years ago, our adult son came home after a relationship breakup, saying it was temporary. Two years on, he’s still living with Mum and Dad!
He contributes only sporadically, has no clear plans, and seems resistant to independence. He says he works ‘freelance’ as a ‘content creator’ but often just seems to be lounging around scrolling on his phone. It drives me mad. Increasingly his mother and I have to tiptoe around his moods, avoiding conflict, and it’s become emotionally draining.
He doesn’t pull his weight in the home and at times it’s like having a teenager again. My wife says I’m being too harsh but I worry our kindness has become enablement. Some of our friends say this is normal now because adult children are driven back into the nest because of high rents and the tough employment situation — but surely adulthood means taking responsibility?
How do we support him without letting him stay stuck? How do we set boundaries without seeming cold or losing him forever?
– David
Bel Mooney responds: A little story. Many years ago I acquired a sheepdog puppy for my first husband, in the vain hope that it would turn into a controlling whizz with our flock of Lleyns. When the friend who’d bred him arrived for a visit, bringing Sam’s mother, our puppy ran delightedly across to greet them, as if to bark, ‘Hey Mum, good to see you!’
But oh dear. He was growled and snapped at – and fled, whimpering, from his unfriendly mother. Although he never learnt to herd sheep, he did learn a lesson that day. Animal mothers have to get on with their own lives.
You will appreciate the point I am making. In a similar position to yours, much as I love my adult children, I would be thoroughly frustrated if one of them moved back. It might be fine for a few weeks but after that – no.
I think your suggestion that ‘kindness has become enablement’ is spot on. At the same time, I do understand your wife’s loving nature. Family is family, after all.
But how true it is that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Your son is doing himself no favours, let alone you. With hindsight, I’m sure you agree it was a bad mistake not to set down the boundaries as soon as he came back. The behaviour you describe isn’t bad or harmful but it is very selfish and exploitative.
He is taking advantage of your kindness, lazing around, annoying you, dominating the home, and (I bet) upsetting his mother. I bet she is doing his washing! The situation can’t be allowed to continued, for his sake as well as yours.
The social realities your friends describe are certainly true, but it’s wrong to make them an excuse for thoughtless behaviour. You have every right to enjoy this time in your life and live the life you have worked for – and expected. The cuckoo needs to leave the nest. But how?
You need to call a family ‘meeting’ – the formality of that expression necessary. He needs to know you mean business. Lay out your position very clearly and school your wife to do the same, having briefed her that this is the best way of conveying real love for your son’s future welfare.
After all, he’s not likely to start a new relationship if the future partner discovers he is living with Mum and Dad. That’s not very appealing. All this needs to be laid out seriously.
You’ll be giving him formal (well, sort of) notice of eviction because of your needs and wishes, but also (this to be stressed) because he’s not shown himself to be helpful in any way. He needs to know you feel let down. Of course, you could offer to help him search for accommodation – and what about a proper job, too? But please don’t look as if you are weakening because you’ll never get rid of him.
There may be readers who think I am harsh. But you don’t want him to be ‘stuck’ and therefore you will need to be clear.
Of course, if he can’t find anywhere to live you might find yourself letting him stay – but in that case the boundaries are surely obvious. He must contribute financially and in terms of helping as much as possible with household chores, and so on.
Tough love is needed – and if he sulks (or worse) remember that sheepdog parent and try a wee growl right back.
…And what I didn’t know or couldn’t say then
was that she hadn’t really gone.
The dead don’t go till you do, loved ones.
The dead are still here holding our hands.
From Darling by Jackie Kay (Scottish poet, playwright, and novelist b 1961)
