Dear Jana,
I’m 39 and for the first time in years, I feel like I’m finally embracing who I really am. A few months ago, I stopped dyeing my hair and decided to let my natural grey come through.
I was inspired after seeing the fashion editor of British Vogue rocking the most chic long silver hair. She looked elegant and stylish, and I thought, ‘Why not?’
To my surprise, I actually love it. I feel more ‘me’ than I have in years. Friends and colleagues keep telling me how sophisticated it looks, and I genuinely feel proud of myself for not giving in to the pressure to chase youth.
The problem is my husband hates it. He says it makes me look old and ‘not the woman he married’. He’s hinted he might even divorce me if I don’t go back to dyeing it blonde.
I think he’s being ridiculous, but he’s quite serious, and it’s making me question everything.
Am I being selfish for wanting to keep my hair natural, or is he out of line?
Going Grey.
A woman tells Jana Hocking that her husband is turned off by her naturally grey hair at 39
Dear Going Grey,
I’m well aware of Sarah Harris from British Vogue and agree she looks like an absolute rock star with her naturally grey hair.
But here’s the thing: while women may look at her and think #hairgoals, the devil on my shoulder can see why your husband isn’t exactly thrilled.
Men are visual creatures. A hot blonde wife is his fantasy. Grey hair – as chic as it may seem to you and other women – to him simply screams ‘grandma’.
While making vague threats of divorce over your hair colour is absurd, I don’t think he’s trying to control you in any sinister way.
I suspect he’s going through a mourning process of sorts. He married a blonde, and now you’ve gone grey several decades sooner than he had probably expected.
Imagine if you married a gym junkie who suddenly turned into a fat couch potato before turning 40. It’s a harsh comparison, but you get the idea.
And let’s be fair here: my inbox is full of women complaining that their husbands let themselves go after marriage – skipping showers, gaining weight, putting zero effort into how they look. It cuts both ways.
‘Men are visual creatures. A hot blonde wife is his fantasy. Grey hair – as chic as it may seem to you and other women – to him simply screams “grandma”,’ writes Jana (stock image)
So here’s what I’d say: if your silver locks make you feel like you, stick to your guns.
Give him time and space to get over the shock and show him that grey can be just as sexy as blonde.
But also ask yourself: are you really sure about this? I personally could never.
Dear Jana,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year and lately I’ve noticed something that’s starting to gnaw at me.
Whenever we’re out together, whether it’s at the gym, the beach, or even just walking down the street, I catch him sneaking looks at other men.
At first, I thought I was imagining it, but it’s become too obvious to ignore.
He doesn’t do it with women, which makes me wonder if he’s secretly attracted to men and just not admitting it. He’s never said anything to suggest he’s gay or bi, and when I bring it up in a lighthearted way, he laughs it off or gets defensive.
It’s left me confused. Am I reading too much into a harmless habit, or could it be a sign that he’s repressing something about his sexuality?
And if it is the latter, where does that leave me in the relationship?
Watching Him Watching Them.
Dear Watching Him Watching Them,
My instincts tell me to trust your gut, and if you’re noticing his sneaky looks at blokes, it could mean something.
However, it could also just be a case of ‘red Ferrari syndrome’. You know, when a flashy car drives past and you can’t help but stare? It doesn’t mean you want to own it, it just means it’s impressive.
Same goes for people. I consider myself 90 per cent straight, but when an attractive woman walks past, I stop and look. Not because I want to sleep with her, but because attractive people are like rare birds – you can’t help but clock them.
Another possibility is he’s caught in the comparison trap. Plenty of guys size other men up – checking muscles, height or even style – not out of desire, but insecurity. Think of it as a silent game of ‘how do I measure up?’ rather than ‘I want him’.
Of course, there’s also the middle ground: he could be a little more fluid than he’s comfortable admitting. That doesn’t automatically spell disaster for your relationship, but it might explain why he gets defensive when you bring this up with him.
So where does that leave you? Well, you’ve got two options. You can decide this is harmless people-watching and let it slide.
Or if you can’t let it go, you can have an honest but gentle conversation. Not accusing him, but asking how he views attraction and what it means for the two of you.
His answer will tell you a lot more than his glances ever will.
Dear Jana,
I’m pregnant with my first child after years of hoping and trying, and while it’s still early days, I’m over the moon.
Because of everything we’ve been through to get here, I asked my husband to keep the news private until I reached the second trimester. I really wanted to protect this little secret until I felt ready.
I often get readers’ letters about ‘work wives’. Most of them are harmless, but sometimes they cross a line (stock image posed by models)
‘I wanted to protect this little secret until I felt ready… so imagine my shock when I got a text from his so-called “work wife”…’ (stock image posed by model)
So imagine my shock when I got this text from a female colleague of his: ‘Congratulations babe xxxxx’. Bear in mind, this is a woman he’s previously called his ‘work wife’ as a joke – which I didn’t love.
I haven’t told my family yet, or even my closest friends, and somehow this woman from the office knows before they do.
He swears it ‘just slipped out’ in conversation, but I can’t help feeling betrayed.
It’s not that I see her as competition, but I dislike how overly familiar she is with him – and now she knows something I’d asked him to keep just between us.
Why is he confiding in this woman about one of the most intimate moments of our marriage when I specifically asked him not to? Am I overreacting?
The Real Wife
Dear The Real Wife,
Jail. Straight to jail. That’s where your husband belongs. And while we’re at it, his so-called ‘work wife’ can join him.
If it really did ‘slip out’ during conversation, then she should have had the good grace to keep her mouth shut – not act like part of the inner circle by firing off a text.
You’re right to feel furious. I feel furious for you. And I understand why you feel so rattled: this isn’t just gossip. It’s a boundary violation.
You asked for privacy. He ignored that. Psychologists say that when a partner dismisses your clear request, it chips away at trust just as much as bigger betrayals do. It’s not about the news itself, it’s about the respect you didn’t get.
Anyone with half a brain knows that pregnancy news is sacred. You wanted to protect it until you felt safe. By letting it out early, your husband stole a moment from you – the right to tell your family, and your closest friends, your way. Firsts matter, and he gave that first to someone who shouldn’t even be in the equation.
Now, you can’t shove the secret back in the box. What’s done is done. But you can decide how this plays out from here. This is the perfect moment to set boundaries – not just about who gets access to your personal news, but about how much emotional weight this ‘work wife’ is allowed to carry in your marriage.
He needs to understand this is about respect – respect for your wishes and for the family you’re creating. If he is serious about being a good husband and father, he’ll stop brushing things off and start proving he can be trusted.
Forgive him this time, but use this opportunity to set some real boundaries about what he tells that woman from the office about your private lives.
