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A few rings and my old mate Kath picks up the phone. She is panting. ‘I am obsessed, obsessed with my new dog, I can’t put it down.’
None of our usual ‘Hi, how are you’s’. That new puppy must be a cutie. Is it a rescue? I ask, readying myself for an enthusiastic single middle-aged lady chat about pets. ‘Nooooo!’ she hoots in delight. ‘It’s my new vibrator. It’s unbelievable.’
Kath’s new ‘dog’ is a Beta Rabbit 3-in-1 Sucking, Swing Vibrator made by popular brand Tracy’s Dog. Its website describes ‘a modern pleasure brand’ that makes ‘sophisticated tools for self-discovery and self-care’.
With ten ‘come-hither modes: the ridged shaft strokes your internal hot spots just like your lover’s fingers’, it has three suction options – more than my Dyson vacuum – plus ten vibration settings, from pulses to full-on.
Crikey! This is no discreet ‘wand’ stuffed at the back of the sock drawer.
Meaningful discussions about women’s use of sex toys are rare, and until feminists started presenting them as tools to empower female sexuality, they were gruesome medical-looking prosthetics or sex-shop monsters. Then they started popping up occasionally in popular culture. In 1998, in the first season of Sex And The City, prudish Charlotte buys a Rampant Rabbit vibrator and cancels dates because she is so addicted.
We’re a bit more open now. Artists like Miley Cyrus and Lily Allen have talked about sex-toy use. One report on the ‘sexual wellness device’ sector from accountancy firm PWC notes sex toys are now viewed as ‘part of overall wellbeing’, with product innovation broadening appeal. And they’re a moneymaking goer. One analysis of the global market estimates it will be worth £55billion by 2030.
How did I miss this? The sex wellness tech ‘revolution’, as Berlin-based sexologist, Elisabeth Neumann calls it, ‘has made pleasure accessible to women for whom other sex toys didn’t work and opened societal conversations again about de-stigmatising female pleasure. It has completely changed the market.’
One analysis of the global market estimates the ‘sexual wellness device’ sector will be worth £55billion by 2030
This revolution refers to the pioneering Womanizer range with its Pleasure Air technology. Designed by a German inventor, it uses air to create a sucking action that stimulates the estimated 8,000 nerve endings in a clitoris (double those in the tip of a penis).
The Womanizer aimed to close the ‘orgasm gap’, the term used by academics to describe the mismatch between the number of heterosexual women who experience an orgasm during sex (65 per cent), versus men (95 per cent). ‘There is no biological reason why that number should be so low,’ says Neumann. ‘Lesbian women orgasm 86 per cent of the time.’
The description of vibrators as ‘wellness devices’ might sound as euphemistic as when they were framed as medical treatments for female hysteria over a century ago, but the orgasm as a health benefit has real meaning. Eva Longoria told Self magazine, ‘I didn’t begin enjoying sex until I started masturbating.’ The actress also revealed that she gives sex toys to all her friends. ‘The best gift I can give them is an orgasm.’
There is scientific evidence for their stress relief benefits, too. In one small study on menopausal women, those prescribed daily use of clitoral stimulators showed signs of improved ‘vagal efficiency’ and heart rate variability, both physical signs of being better able to handle stress. In the same study, 93 per cent reported improvements in at least one menopausal symptom, including vaginal dryness, difficulty falling asleep, night sweats and mood swings.
This growing body of research on older women suggests – like lifting weights and eating fibre – masturbation and sex toys are a useful addition to a healthy lifestyle. Another study linked frequency of masturbation in older women with better cognitive health and word recall.
Dr Jessica Hille, assistant director of education at the Kinsey Institute and lead author of a study on women aged 60+ and sex toys, published in last month’s Journal Of The Menopause Society, says, ‘We knew that sex-toy use is associated with increased orgasm and this can contribute to health benefits like stress reduction and improved sleep.’
Another friend, Mel, 52 and divorced, credits her six-month obsession with her Womanizer vibrator for breaking her out of a midlife slump and reminding her, ‘that I’m sexual.’ It led her to stop dyeing her hair and having her nails done. ‘I felt a deeper kind of confidence. It was really good for me.’
Mel owns one of the over 11 million Womanizer sex toys that have been sold worldwide since launching in 2014. Other big names include Swedish brand Lelo, whose Sila clitoral stimulator combines air with ‘gentle sonic waves’.
In the US, May has been National Masturbation Month since 1994, when surgeon general Joycelyn Elders was forced to resign for suggesting masturbation be taught as part of sex education. Over 30 years later, the response was not dissimilar when Samantha Niblett, the Labour MP for South Derbyshire, launched her ‘Yes Sex Please, We’re British!’ campaign to encourage a healthier, less porn-based culture of sex education and pleasure. She spoke of bringing sex toys to parliament as a way to remind people that sex and masturbation are normal. She is ‘not available’ for interviews now. And no amount of requests would change that. A brave, if brief, move.
I wish I’d grown up with more knowledge about female sexual pleasure – I was taught sex education at three different schools and there was never any mention of it. My embarrassment around sex toys made me avoid all those Rampant Rabbit convos in the late 90s. It seemed ‘icky’ to discuss the subject. I think some of the old stigma about female sexual pleasure endured in me and other apparently liberated Gen Xs.
‘Many older women have a deeply imprinted shame,’ says Neumann, 33, who is also user research manager at the Bath-based sexual wellness company Lovehoney (which now owns the Womanizer brand). ‘They grew up in a time when masturbation wasn’t discussed.’
Lovehoney sold 1.75 million products in the UK last year, one in five from its bestselling clitoral suction category, a range well over 100-strong. The booming menopause economy has necessitated something called the MTick, a certification that products have scientific evidence to back any claim of helping menopause symptoms. Several of Lovehoney’s products have one, including the Womanizer Mini. A spokesman tells me that the softer, more natural effect ‘resonates with an older age group’.
Coming a close second behind the air-driven tech are orgasms powered by Lelo’s air and sonic waves. And minimal, chic designs by brands such as Dame and Maude circumvent anything remotely phallic. The new sex toys are far from the old flesh-coloured ones modelled on a phallus. ‘They weren’t attractive and women didn’t identify with the product,’ says Neumann.
The origins of the sex toy go way back. The earliest stone dildo was found in Germany: an eight-inch piece of polished siltstone from about 28,000 years ago. Stone wands are still in vogue. This is ‘sensual minimalism’, which leans less on silicone and more on dildos made of crystals. Chakrub sells ‘wellness tools’ made of clear quartz for ‘post-orgasm clarity’, and rose quartz, which is ‘deeply validating’.
‘Masturbation is not a replacement for sex, it is not a compensation,’ says Neumann. ‘It’s its own thing.’ And if my mates’ response is anything to go by, it would be menopause madness not to click that link.
