Gather round, women, if you want to know the latest item that the fashion set are turning their perfectly-proportioned noses up at.
The garish style for animal print, perhaps? Those dreadful ‘carrot’ jeans M&S insists on pushing on us, which make you look like you’re cos-playing Clint Eastwood in The Good, The Bad And The Ugly?
No, sadly not. According to the reports, the thing you’re going to need to get rid of this season is … your breasts.
Yep, just when you thought being a woman couldn’t be any more absurd, along comes the news that big breasts have ‘fallen out of fashion’. And while this might initially seem like good news for the smaller-boobed among us, the truth is, it’s terrible for any woman who’d like to live her life without her body parts being referred to as though they were accessories from Zara.
We have the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons – appropriately referred to by their acronym ‘BAAPS’ – to thank for this information. According to BAAPS’ annual audit, breast reduction and implant removal surgery has overtaken enlargements for the first time.
On social media, people are talking about ‘Ballerina Boobs’, which surgeon Patrick Mallucci describes as a ‘smaller, lighter and more delicate breast shape, often associated with a leaner physique and a natural aesthetic’.
Meanwhile, president of BAAPS, Nora Nugent, noted these Ballerina Boobs reflect ‘a broader shift away from exaggerated curves towards a more natural silhouette, one that better complements active lifestyles and the continued rise of athleisure fashion’.
‘I’ve never had back pain because of my breasts, but I do find it a pain in the behind when people think they’re entitled to comment on my body,’ writes Bryony Gordon
When I read this, I wanted to rip off my bra and burn it in protest. Because we all know the real ‘broad shift’ going on here, and it has nothing to do with breast size.
Instead, it’s part of a full-scale return to the objectification of women, where we’re encouraged to think of ourselves as ‘silhouettes’ rather than actual three-dimensional human beings with feelings, personalities and other purposes beyond merely looking nice.
It’s obvious what’s behind this: weight-loss jabs, of course. Mounjaro and Ozempic have turbocharged a movement initiated by the likes of the Kardashians, whereby if you don’t like your body, you can simply pay to change it. Pick it out of a catalogue – like a dress – and then swap it for something new when the fashion changes, as of course it will. When you’re a woman, the goal posts are always moving.
And when you’re spending £300 a month on weight-loss jabs, is it really that much of a jump to plastic surgery?
We’re now officially at a point in time where it’s easier for many females to spend money on a new pair of breasts or a drug that shuts off their appetite, than it is to interrogate whether this really makes them feel better about themselves.
I gasped when I read a quote from a ‘fashion psychologist’ called Carolyn Mair, who explained why so many women are opting for ‘Ballerina Boobs’: ‘Strength training for women has become more mainstream … Larger breasts can create practical constraints during exercise and draw unwanted attention which can be psychologically uncomfortable.’
Why is the onus here on women to remove their breasts, rather than on men to address their inappropriate behaviour?
‘Mounjaro and Ozempic have turbocharged a movement initiated by the likes of the Kardashians, whereby if you don’t like your body, you can simply pay to change it,’ writes Bryony Gordon (picture posed by model)
And what is this nonsense about women with big breasts being unable to exercise? I’ve run four marathons with mine, and am delighted to say that there are plenty of brands who now make comfortable, supportive sports bras if you’re a 36JJ, like I am.
The sad truth is I’m not surprised by any of this, just saddened that it is still going on in the year 2026.
From the moment I got breasts as a young teenager, I’ve been made to feel ashamed of my body, responsible for it somehow, as if I wished my boobs into existence. As a child of 14, I became used to grown men staring at me in the street, leering at my chest without shame or embarrassment.
I also became used to other women asking me if I would consider a reduction, my mammaries deemed offensive for simply existing under a T-shirt.
If I didn’t wear a polo neck, I was told off by strangers for showing too much cleavage; and if I did wear a polo neck, I was told off for looking frumpy.
I’ve never had back pain because of my breasts, but I do find it a pain in the behind when people think they’re entitled to comment on my body, showing faux concern for my shoulders, or telling me I’m wearing the wrong size bra. They think they know my body better than I do, and can’t believe I wouldn’t want to blow my savings on a lengthy operation that requires six weeks of recovery.
Has everyone lost their minds? There’s only one thing that needs butchering, and it’s not my breasts. Instead, it’s this dreadful tendency to see women as disposable fashion items, rather than the magnificent, varied humans we actually are.
Happy rebirth of ‘five-star lesbian’ Christine
Christine McGuinness admitted in an interview she’s now looking for a wife and has long enjoyed relationships with women
Isn’t it glorious to watch Christine McGuinness step out of the shadow of her ex-husband, Paddy? The former beauty queen was only 19 when she met the TV presenter, but this week she admitted in an interview she’s now looking for a wife and has long enjoyed relationships with women. From trophy wife to ‘five-star lesbian’, as she now describes herself, it’s a delight to watch her blossom.
Russell Brand has been appearing on YouTube shows to promote his book about converting to Christianity, released before he stands trial for rape and sexual assault later this year. At moments like this, it’s important to remember that Brand makes a living as a performer, but his latest role as a man saved by Jesus doesn’t fool me.
It’s time for MPs to stop voting tipsy
Newly elected Green MP Hannah Spencer has pointed out the weirdness of the drinking culture in Parliament
Say what you like about the double standards of the Green Party, but you can’t fault newly elected MP Hannah Spencer for pointing out the weirdness of the drinking culture in Parliament. Spencer told an interviewer she can often smell alcohol on colleagues while they vote.
Why are elected officials making decisions about crucial issues late at night, after they’ve had a few drinks? It’s time for something in Westminster to change, even if it’s simply the time that voting takes place.
You can’t part a gal from her gels
Millie Bobby Brown as the lead character in Enola Holmes 3, a new Netflix film set in the 1800s
Millie Bobby Brown’s gel nails were seen in promotional shots for the movie
This column’s award for Best Supporting Role goes to actress Millie Bobby Brown’s gel nails, which featured in promotional shots for a new Netflix film set in the 1800s. Internet sleuths pointed out that her almond-shaped acrylics are not strictly speaking of the period. Poor Millie has now been pilloried, but I don’t blame her: you can take the girl out of the 21st century, but you can’t take the 21st-century gel nails out of the girl.
My mortifying marathon meet-up
Bryony Gordon, circled right, ended up starting the marathon next to Daddy Pig and Joe Wicks, circled left
In last week’s column I wrote about Joe Wicks’ ill-advised comments on running 26 miles without water, and said the runner I felt most sorry for on the start line at Sunday’s London marathon was Daddy Pig, who’d been trained by Wicks. In the end, the person I felt most embarrassed for was myself, after I ended up beginning the race next to… yep, you guessed it: Daddy Pig and Joe Wicks. Oh well, at least it motivated me to run a little faster, and got me a PB.
