Gone are the days when jetting off felt glamorous. Modern flying now means tracksuits over tailoring, frazzled families with bored offspring and out-of-control hen parties. All cooped up together in a metal container hurtling through the air at 500mph – and with an unlimited supply of alcohol.
Indeed, earlier this month Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary revealed his airline has to divert an average of nearly one flight a day because of bad behaviour onboard, up from one a week ten years ago.
And, of course, who has to deal with the tantrums, drunken behaviour, and even – infamously – the performance of sexual acts in cramped cabin loos? The weary, seen-it-all air stewards and stewardesses.
We spoke to one woman who has been flying for 20 years to get the real inside track on what cabin crew think of us passengers . . .
BOOZY BOOMERS
You would think every crew member would be racing to sign up for the Barbados route, but the reality is we are not. Why? Those flights are hard work. They’re always full of the Barbados Boomers – older, well-heeled travellers off for winter sun or summer parties – and it means we are busy throughout the nine hours we’re in the air.
On first inspection they are respectable. He’s sporting a crisply-ironed shirt with a pair of red slacks, she’s wearing a floral dress. You’ve probably spotted them at the airport – they’re also the ones with goldfish bowl-sized G&Ts at the departures bar.
In fact they’re among the rudest customers we have. They hammer the bar and refuse to take safety directions because they ‘know best’. Already well-oiled by the time they fasten their seatbelts, after roughly three hours – regardless of how many litres of gin we have on board, and Barbados flights are stocked excessively for these passengers – they’re still asking for more and our spirits stock is running low.
In fact, they never ask for one drink when I’m going through the cabin; they always insist on two. Any time I walk through the galley, I know I’ll get tapped on the shoulder with requests for another one because their first one ‘drank itself!’
Two hours into one flight I refused to serve a woman who was already cross eyed and marinated in gin, whereupon she offered to prove her sobriety by walking up the cabin aisle – and fell face first into her husband’s lap.
Happily, she fell asleep not long after, but unhappily her snoring meant no one around her got much sleep on the flight. You might think it’s the odd one or two, but at least 80 per cent of the passengers on these flights behave like this. On this same flight another (entirely unapologetic) sixty-something woman was also refused any more alcohol. When she finally drifted off, she suffered with the most awful flatulence too.
They’re entitled and ungrateful and are the passenger profile I least love. At least on flights to Vegas, you know that the passengers will take direction and are much better behaved.
You would think every crew member would be racing to sign up for the Barbados route, but the reality is they are not
CABIN CREW’S ‘BOB.’
‘Where’s Bob?’ If you hear a cabin crew member ask this seemingly innocent question, she’s actually referring to ‘Best on Board’. We’re only human and – guilty as charged – we do have a rating system regarding the most eligible passengers on a flight.
On one trip to JFK in New York, one colleague noted the presence of a well-known actor, minus his famous girlfriend. So what did she do? She upgraded him and then went to his hotel that night. It’s fair to say that crew – me included – always give Bob preferential treatment.
BOARDING BLOCKERS
We then get the ‘nesters’ who travel in pairs and take over a two-seat row. They take ages to sit down and hold up boarding with their mooning about and dithering over who sits where. It doesn’t occur to them there are 400 passengers waiting to board while they ‘move in’ and organise their seats.
One woman – just after the pandemic – insisted on cleaning every part of her seat, tray and the area around her window. I didn’t have the heart to tell her she’d be breathing the same recycled air as the other passengers for the next ten hours to Delhi.
LOCKER PRINCESSES
Thank goodness for health and safety because it means we can justifiably refuse to lift anyone’s baggage into the overhead locker space. Some women do try it on, but why should I put my back out? One – clearly over 50 – had the front to insist she was pregnant and I needed to help her. She was speechless when I replied, ‘Sorry, I can’t. I’m pregnant too.’
If it’s too heavy, then check it in!
You need eyes in the back of your head. Middle class men and women think nothing of pinching items from the duty free trolley
ONBOARD PILFERERS
Be warned: if it’s not nailed down, passengers assume they can help themselves. I watched one man on a flight landing at Washington grab every (grubby) blanket around him and stuff it into his carry-on bag. Why would you? They’re synthetic and barely cover anyone over average height.
He gave me a filthy look when he noticed I had spotted him, but I went one better and alerted Customs to his identity. I very much hope he had had a thorough search on arrival.
The same goes for during the flight. You need eyes in the back of your head. Middle class men and women think nothing of pinching items from the duty free trolley or helping themselves to anything they see in the galley.
FLORIDA FAMILY FEARS
Always a difficult flight. If we’re not calming down wedding parties (someone is always in tears), then we’re rolling our eyes in private at the well-meaning middle-class mummies who try to bribe their offspring into good behaviour with screens and sweets.
And what a surprise, they’re then annoyingly hyperactive throughout the flight, sending passengers around them bananas. Of course, the children fidget, kick the seat in front of them and shout when they’re playing a brain-frying game on the iPad in the middle of a sugar rush.
On these types of flights mothers used to be routinely issued with baby bassinets and life jackets. This policy was stopped when the airline started to get tagged on social media accounts by mothers showing off their little ones in their Orlando pool. What safety device was the baby bobbing about in without a care in the world? Their stolen Virgin Atlantic life jacket.
On your next flight sneak a peek towards the rear of the cabin and it’s likely you will see the rest of us cabin crew doing something very naughty…
MEAL-TRAY MOANERS
Oh the sulks over food! I’ve seen hundreds of grown men and women kick off because the chicken risotto has run out or the vegetarian lasagne contains aubergine or so-and-so got two rolls and I only got one. You wouldn’t believe the fuss.
One woman told me she had ‘dairy allergies’ so could she swap a cheese-laden pasta dish for beef… when I’d seen her eating ice cream at the gate not an hour before.
One brave friend on a flight now says: ‘You have two choices. You can have the meal I’m offering you or you can have nothing at all.’
HIGH-ROLLER STAGS
This is the time of year to work on the Vegas flights. The money in First Class is astounding – and the groom and his party always invite us cabin crew out with them. I’ll typically only spend $5 (£3.50) on a weekend stopover.
They travel with an abundance of cash and offer to pay us crew to attend pool parties with them.
During one stopover, I got to see the DJ Calvin Harris perform thanks to a generous groom-to-be and his party asking out all of the cabin crew working in First Class. I didn’t snog the groom – but my colleague did.
When I was assigned to the Manchester-Vegas route, I got used to seeing women from Liverpool board with their hair rollers still in.
FIRST-CLASS TRY-ONS
You’d be surprised at the number of celebrities who travel in First Class and leave their families in economy. I recently had a former girlband member on board and a dozen of her relatives were in premium. She didn’t try and get them upgraded, but they gave it a good go. My go-to response now is ‘I’ll just find out how much it will cost for you.’ It soon shuts them up.
NERVOUS PILL-POPPERS
Just like the Kristen Wigg character in the Bridesmaids movie, we always get fliers (often female, I’m afraid) drinking too much and popping pills to calm their nerves. One such woman sat opposite me once. I was in my jump seat for take-off and immediately realised she was so out of it, she didn’t understand the plane was about to be airborne. As we taxied at speed down the runway, she started to yell at me accusing me of being a stuck-up bitch. All from nowhere! I genuinely looked for a sunflower lanyard which might explain Tourette’s or another non-visible disability. But no!
Her best friend was mortified, and mouthed to me out of her eye-line that she was a nervous flyer and had popped some Valium. But she hadn’t just taken pills, she’d clearly had too much to drink as well.
The flight to Miami was a transatlantic one and fortunately, after a sleep, when it was time to land, she came around and apologised profusely.
In fact, we always keep an eye on female passengers asleep on long haul flights. They all pop the sleep aid melatonin – which they’ve got online from goodness knows where – because they think it helps with jet lag. Quite often we have to shake them awake at the end of the flight.
SNEAKY VAPERS
The days of smoking might be thankfully in the past but that doesn’t stop passengers thinking they can sneak a vape in.
On a flight to South Africa I clocked one guy vaping in his seat, but when I went to tell him off, he looked me in the eye and swore it was his inhaler. We both knew it wasn’t.
MILE-HIGH CLUBBERS
Yes it goes on. I’m not stupid and have interrupted dozens of couples attempting to join the club in our loos. If they’re gone for a long time I have to knock on the door. It’s all about health and safety. What if one of them has passed out? They know it’s not allowed and the excuses I hear. ‘Oh, she felt sick so I came in with her…’ They think I was born yesterday.
ENTITLED INFLUENCERS
I love Los Angeles but I hate the flights to LAX airport because of the number of influencers typically onboard. Their bum hasn’t hit the seat before they’re filming a reel of themselves settling in. They usually get us in on the act too, meaning we have to smile and pose through gritted teeth.
The problem is they’re so used to freebies and people bending over backwards for them, they assume if they snap their fingers we’ll come running. On one flight I hadn’t sat down for three-and-a-half hours. When I finally did for a quick coffee, a well-known influencer walked up to me, physically took my coffee cup out of my hand and put her rubbish into it.
FAT SHAMERS
You dread sitting next to an obese passenger in economy? Trust me they dread flying. Honestly, I’m #teamfattie. On one long haul flight I had a bigger lady in my economy cabin. Her thigh bulged beneath the armrest and was clearly wedged against her neighbour’s thigh. The man (I refuse to call him a gentleman) was so bloody rude about it. He was bent on humiliating her at full volume.
The whole cabin could hear him telling her, ‘You should have booked two seats!’ She was in tears and so embarrassed. I knew we had a spare seat in First Class, so I cleared it with the onboard manager. I approached the obnoxious horror and said, ‘Don’t worry, I think we’ve a spare seat in First Class.
‘I’ll make sure you’re much more comfortable.’ As he started to gather his things to move, I went off to ‘check’ and then came back for her, not him. I explained I was escorting her to a much roomier seat so that he could have the space he’d paid for. He was utterly speechless. You could practically see the steam coming out of his ears.
SAFETY FLASHERS
Most passengers follow the rules and attentively watch the cabin crew explain everything from where the emergency exists are located to how to fasten your seatbelt. Have you ever noticed that they’re smiling or giggling as they do so?
Well on your next flight sneak a peek towards the rear of the cabin and it’s likely you will see the rest of us cabin crew either flashing our boobs, hitching our skirts or even dropping our trousers and mooning at them. What can I say? I’m a respectable married mum of two, but it’s not just passengers who misbehave.
