The United Kingdom announced Tuesday it will place a lifetime ban on tobacco products for anyone born in 2009 or after, in a major power-sharing agreement struck between government euthanizers and migrant knife-attackers.
“الحمد لله، ورمضانٌ مباركٌ دائم — [cough, cough] — I mean … My fellow Britons,” Labour Prime Minister Keir Starmer began. “In conjunction with our nation’s pride, the National Health Service, and our most cherished friends and neighbors, the knife-wielding community, we have determined to ban tobacco products for all British young people.”
“This has been years in the making, and we’re extremely proud of the result. Now, under a new leadership structure, the NHS will share its proportion of eliminating British citizens by injection with our diverse population of knife-attackers, many of whom have deep and sincere religious beliefs that are contingent upon these sorts of activities,” Starmer added.
The move comes after knife attacks have reached a fevered pitch of more than 50,000 per year, and the U.K. Parliament paved the way to achieve untold levels of euthanasia, perhaps in line with British commonwealth country Canada, where government killings are now the fifth-leading cause of death. The United Kingdom was already on a warpath to deem its citizens unfit for life by government fiat if their illnesses were too inconvenient.
While studies show cigarette smokers generally have a longer lifespan than knife-attack victims, another study out of the United Kingdom showed that the share of knife attacks is not equitable across all age demographics, particularly at the top end.
One apparent motivation behind the tobacco ban is to allow more British people to live longer so both the NHS and the attackers have enough individuals to satisfy their baseline murder needs over time. For the NHS, it means an average of 10 more years in which they can identify and target older citizens for death.
Meanwhile, as knife-attackers will have increased access to elderly pensioners as victims, the tobacco ban also allows the NHS to focus more on euthanizing older British citizens, leaving the 10- to 25-year-old demographic to be hacked apart in undeterred and lightly punished blade-violence events.
The deal was struck after multiple jihadi-friendly mosques lobbied the Starmer government for reforms, raising concerns over tobacco-related deaths and “government overreach” that threatened a monopoly on untimely deaths.
“This is a momentous occasion — Muslims and infidels coming together to do what’s right, inshallah,” Mahmoud Sultan Abdul-Fattah bin Saddam bin Mohammad, Shadow Secretary for Homeland Security and Cultural Affairs, said in a statement. “It’s poetic. The British government is euthanizing its own people, while we euthanize the West.”
King Charles III gave his final seal of approval by shrieking his unmistakable zaghrouta from the balcony at Buckingham Palace.
Breccan F. Thies is the White House correspondent for The Federalist. He is a co-recipient of the 2025 Dao Prize for Excellence in Investigative Journalism. As an investigative journalist, he previously covered education and culture issues for the Washington Examiner and Breitbart News. He holds a degree from the University of Virginia and is a 2022 Claremont Institute Publius Fellow. You can follow him on X: @BreccanFThies.
