Dear Caroline,
My husband and I retired five years ago and are financially secure. Yet our lives have become a routine of shopping and housework, with no time set aside for enjoyment. I feel as though my life is slipping away.
My brother and his wife are also retired, but they spend their time travelling and meeting friends. I have a social circle, while my husband has no friends at all. He spends most of the day staring at his phone. His lack of effort is bringing me down and I don’t know how much longer I can cope.
He was once gentle and even-tempered, but now he makes cruel, spiteful remarks. Two years ago, he began redecorating the house but left every project unfinished. He has plenty of money saved, yet the house is gradually falling into disrepair.
Caroline West-Meads replies: Could your husband be suffering from depression? His withdrawal, loss of interest and change in personality are all issues worth raising with your GP.
At the same time, you can begin taking back control of your own life. Arrange trips with friends, pursue activities that appeal to you and plan holidays, even if your husband chooses not to join you. Nor should you feel obliged to accept his hurtful comments. Make it clear that his behaviour is unacceptable and that, unless it changes, you may have to reconsider remaining in the marriage.
Caroline West-Meads says our reader should make clear that her husband’s behaviour is unacceptable
I am also concerned that he appears to control all the financial decisions. You could contact survivingeconomicabuse.org for advice on whether this may be a form of controlling behaviour and on the steps you can take.
Dear Caroline,
I am an 83-year-old widower. My wife of 50 years died in hospital just over two and a half years ago. Her arthritis meant that we slept in separate beds, but we remained close and enjoyed a loving physical relationship. I was a tender lover, and sex was never the central focus of our marriage.
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I now feel ready to start living again and would love to take a holiday, perhaps a cruise, but I am nervous about travelling alone. Since my wife died, I have travelled with family, although I often felt like an outsider.
I wonder whether I could share a holiday and cabin with a woman of a similar age, with separate beds and no expectations or pressure. I would not be opposed to something developing, but that is not what I would be seeking. Would that be pervy?
Caroline West-Meads replies: After spending 50 years together, it is entirely natural to miss not only your wife’s companionship but also the warmth, affection and physical closeness you shared. So no, I certainly would not describe your feelings as ‘pervy’. They are deeply human.
However, I wonder whether you are trying to move from one stage to the next too quickly. I can see why the idea of sharing a cabin with a woman your own age, with separate beds and no expectations, appeals to you. But if a stranger suggested that I go straight on a cruise with him and share a cabin, I would probably feel surprised and uncomfortable.
Caroline West-Meads says the desire for companionship, affection and physical closeness is entirely natural
You may have greater success by first meeting women and forming friendships, without deciding beforehand what the connection must become. It could lead to friendship, companionship, romance or physical intimacy—or none of these. The key is to let trust and attraction grow naturally, rather than placing either person in a situation that could feel pressured or difficult to escape.
You also do not necessarily have to experience cruising alone in the way you imagine. Several cruise lines offer single cabins, meaning there is no single supplement, and cater to older travellers with organised opportunities to meet others who are travelling alone. This could be a comfortable way to ease yourself back into holidaymaking.
You have spent more than two years grieving and adapting to life without your wife. Perhaps you are ready to be courageous—but take things gently. Look for companionship rather than specifically seeking a cabin mate, and allow events to unfold.
You could also explore dating websites such as ourtime.co.uk or silversingles.com. Both are aimed specifically at people over 50 and include members looking for companionship, friendship, travel partners and romance.
